Undiagnosed Ptsd Or Not.. I Am So Lost

[MMac]

Upfront, since English isn't my native, I appologize for the grammar “errors” that will be in my story. It will be a long story but I really feel like I need to get it of my chest now. I so want to get my story out there and finally talk about it all.

This is the first time I ever showed my true “face” and felt safe enough to talk about my life and the way I feel now. Maybe not talking is that's part of the reason why I am struggeling and not knowing what's really going on. Roaming around on this forum gave me the feeling of safety I needed to open up.

I am 42 years old and of those I spent about 20 years on and off seeking help. I have been seeing a couple of therapists but none really managed to help, guide or point me in the right direction. All I know so far is that I am “labeled” as being High Sensitive. With that said, that is what I have been thinking for the past years and blaming certain behaviour on being High Sensitive. I do completely fit the description so I was not surprised about it. However, reading everything here and being in a relationship with a combat PTSD sufferer, made me open my eyes and wonder if there is more to it then just being High Sensitive.

At the age of 13 I have been raped by an adult guy I had a teen crush on. I never really talked about this and just put it aside thinking it was me causing this due to my crush. Two years later my dad was doing some sort of photography class and asked me if he could take pictures of me half naked. He said he needed them for class. Naive as I was I wanted to help him out and so I did. Half a year later he tried to do the same with my sister. She told me about it and I told her that I had done that, begging her not to, thank god she declined. Except that one conversation, I never talked about it again. A year after this I found out my mother has been abused by her father for most part of her growing up years. This made it even harder for me to even try talk about what happened because I didn't want to make things even worse for her. So basically I moved on with my life and tried to deal with it all, thinking I could deal with it myself without any help.

Half way my twenties I became a prison guard and after 3 years I became what my dream was, a police officer. During the 15 years I have been with the police force, I have seen a lot. Good things but also very bad things. Things I don't want to get into detail about at the moment. Meanwhile I quit with the police and it feels like a big weight fell of my shoulders.

After being in the force for about 5 years, I was in a car accident with a suspect of a robbery, he drove in to the police car to get away, which he managed to do, leaving me with a lifelong whiplash. After three years they finally caught him but justice system failed on me big time, showing me how much police officers really mean in my country. He got away with a couple of month prison and since already served those before trial, he was out right after. I felt betrayed and free as a bird to harm from suspects as a cop.

The whiplash made it hard for me to stay on the streets so the years after I have been an investigator. The weird thing to me is, that even though the cases were more severe and horrible at times, it's not those that “haunt” me. It's the ones I got called to when still working outside

But even with that feeling in me, I stayed for another 10 years with the force. My resignation wasn't completely of free will but in the end it was for the best. 2011 and 2012 have been pretty rough on me emotionally to a point where I almost ended my life in 2012, the morning smile of my baby niece brought me back to earth. This wasn't the first time I had strong feelings about suicide. But as always, I picked myself up and continued with my life.

I am in a happy relationship with a combat PTSD sufferer, and trying to understand certain aspects of his life and the way he acts and reacts, I came upon this forum a while ago. It gave me so much insight and bit by bit I started to put some puzzle pieces in place. But still, I have so many questions that seem unanswered:

-why do I always get over emotional when dealing with a lot
-why are new, big things (like a job/relationship etc) putting such a drainer on me, emotionally and physically
-why is it certain images keep popping my mind at the weirdest moments (things I have seen during my work on the street)
-why do I tend to keep people at a distance
-why do I “explode” for no apparent reason at times
-why do I feel like an emotional roller coaster (others see me like that also at times)
-why do I tend to pull people close but push them away again but yet am so scared of losing them
-why do I just lock myself from the outside world completely at times while not realy wanting to do so
-why do I feel like an emotional wreck one second but the next I feel okay
-why do I feel like defending myself to everyone (making me emotional again. And it's not because I feel sorry for myself)
-why can't I seem to let go

So many questions pop my head while typing my story. Is it just me being High Sensitive and not dealt with my past, or is there more going on. So many things I read here I can relate to, and exactly that made me think and feel more might be to me than just being High Sensitive.

I am sure a lot of you have their thoughts about my dad, which I can completely understand. After the incident with my sister and me, nothing like this ever happened again and he has been a good dad besides this. I am not making a wrong right here, don't get me wrong.

Thanks to all taking the time to read my story. I am sorry it became such a long one but I am hoping to get some questions answered.

 

[Nebulustrix]

It sounds to me like you most certainly are suffering from PTSD, especially after reading your questions. Those all sound like the behaviors of a PTSD sufferer. I am sorry to hear that you've gone through so much, but also glad that you are on the path to recognizing the source of your symptoms. Knowing is half the battle, because we cannot work on overcoming a problem we do not fully understand.

I think it would help you immensely to explain this to a professional, seek out an actual diagnosis, and get some therapy/counseling to help you work on overcoming your trauma and regulating your symptoms.

 

[scout86]

Your grammar was excellent and I never would have suspected you weren't a native English speaker.

I'm not in a position to offer advice. I started therapy a few months ago, after a lifetime of trying to convince myself that "something" was actually "nothing". I think I found a pretty good therapist. I'm totally convinced that all therapists are not equally capable, and it's GOT to be better to work with one whose interests and expertise are in the areas you need help with. So, you might want to keep looking. "Highly sensitive" isn't a diagnosis. Speaking as someone who spent a childhood hearing that I was "over reacting".... There are some problems that can cause you to react in ways that seem appropriate to you, but look like an over reaction to someone else. You view the world differently. I wouldn't think of it as "right and wrong" as much as differently. As far as your dad goes...that sounds a little weird and I might question his judgement, but it's the RAPE that seems like it might be the bigger issue. You have a law enforcement background. That was a crime, right? It's a big deal, whether you "want" it to be or not. You can't make something go away just by trying to minimize it to a point where it disappears. It won't. I know. I've tried. I'm pretty good at it too. I figure if I can't minimize things into oblivion, probably no one can. LOL

Anyway, a lot of what you said sounds familiar. Maybe that means we both found a good resource here. Good luck on your journey!

 

[MMac]

Thank you for taking the time to read and respond :). This is excalty why I felt safe enough to come forward and share my story. Last night, after again a night of a mind running highwire, it struck me I might be a sufferer myself. I think the fact of not really wanting to see it kept me from that. But as we al do, I am searching for answers, and that's where it sunk in and I decided to write it down. Noww it's time to start my journey in overcoming and sharing it with the people that need to know. That is one thing I am not looking forward to do, sharing it with loved ones.

@scout86: Thanks for your compliment :). I know it's a big deal. But happening to others isn't the same as it happening to you. But the rape and the abuse of my mother made me chose the path of being an officer of the law. I think that way I tried to make ends meet about what happened. The overreacting part is so my "thing" also. People have been telling me that for a long time. But I just get overwhelmed so easy when new things happen or appear and as hard as I try to hold back (even picturing other people naked during the conversation, a ti I once got), nothing seems to work.

But I hear what you are saying, both of you. So yes, It's time to face what's going on and try work this out so I can finally breathe and be the free spirit I am deep inside.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Read up on the stress cup explanation. I think it will explain a lot of why you react the way you do.

Welcome.

 

[madmax]

What is PTSD personified!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[LEMMING]

Hi, I'm Lemming, newby. The questions you put so reflect my own, it's enlightening to know I'm not alone in thinking these thoughts. Making a new appointment with my GP to ask for fresh diagnosis, have been treated for last 4 years with antidepressants but offered no counselling apart from CBT which I feel won't help me address and confront my issues. Maybe confronting one.

 

[intothelight]

Welcome to MyPTSD forum!

 

[rightkindofme]

I feel really angry about how often generic people want to say that we are "over reacting" to events. Grrrr. I'm not over reacting. There might be Highly Sensitive people in the world but if you went through ten year of being an active police officer I'm not so sure that you qualify. But I'm not a professional.

I would think that seeing a therapist who specializes in police officers would be a good idea. I suspect it will be hard to find but I bet you could call around therapists in your area. People have very different kinds of lives. Different therapists "handle" different kinds of issues better or worse depending on their own perspectives. Police officers probably have a whole set of experiences that I can't even wrap my head around.

Thank you for serving your community. That is a very wonderful thing.

I'm sorry you are suffering. Welcome to the community.

 

[MMac]

Thanks everyone for the replies and kind words. I am, on one hand, scared for the answeres I might get, but on the other hand know I need them. I will try work to the point I need to be to see a therapist even though my faith in them is not all to great...

 

[BLHutch]

Mac,

I'm a fellow police officer, or at least was until three months ago. And I, like you, experience many of the same issues. I left due to a back condition and though I've had PTSD for quite some time, it didn't really kick in bad until I handed in my badge for good. I will second what someone said above, try to find a therapist that specializes in public safety types. There are precious few out there, but if you look hard enough, you can probably find one. PTSD is the dirty little secret in law enforcement that agencies don't want to acknowledge, thus making it hard on those of us who suffer from it to get help. It took me a long, long time to decide that I needed to talk to a therapist. Too long. The lengthy delay in seeking treatment has made it very hard on me to begin to recover. Honestly, I'm just in damage control mode right now.

Just know that there are other law enforcement types out there who do understand what this can do to a person. Though it may feel like it at times, you aren't alone in your struggles. There are those who are willing to walk alongside you done the path to recovery.