Ptsd Parenting Crisis

[rosey]

Every time one of my children has an issue I always link it to my ptsd and feel awful. My 9year had a 2 hour meltdown yesterday over some school work worries and it is one of many times when i wonder how different my children's life would be if they had a standard mum. They are great girls in the main i know I do my best but am so frightened sometimes that i am going to damage them. I would hate for them to have issues like me.

I have read every parenting book on the market thanks to my ocd and many of my friends come to me for parenting advice so why cant I just trust myself?

So frustrating to be constantly question what I do and say all the time I never feel like I get it right. I want to be a good role model to my girls but I dont think I will ever be that.

 

[Malaenis]

I completely understand how you feel. I think the same with my son sometimes. How much more I could be for him if I didn't have ptsd.

Firstly, children have meltdowns, normal children, children with normal parents. I think we sometimes spend so much time panicking/worrying about how we're being with our kids we don't notice how other kids and parents interact. Children are learning how to process emotions and how to express them the right way. It's hard for adults to do that. Meltdowns can be normal.

As far as your parenting, you're checking in with how you're doing. I've noticed with how I handle my son's adhd, having ptsd actually helps me better handle it. Because I've been there, I can understand where he's at, what he needs, better than a parent who hasn't been through trauma. And I constantly check myself to make sure I'm handling things the right way, not like my mother would have basically. That's what sets us apart(if you did have abusive parents), they don't think they're bad parents, if they do they certainly don't look for help. They blame their child(ren). So I think any parent that first looks at how they're parenting, questions it, asks for help, before saying it's the child's fault, is a good parent.

I completely understand the struggle though. I get the anger side, and can be level-headed, just not constantly. And I scream at my son. I'm never abusive, but I feel like a bad parent for even doing that. One thing I do that his counselors/therapists and my own say is good, I will explain to him in a way he can understand, when it's my fault. Or say "when you did this it was not ok, but how I reacted was not ok either." I constantly tell him how much I love him and show him that whenever I can. I explain that sometimes I need space, and that isn't his fault, it has nothing to do with me not wanting him or loving him, it's my own stuff that I need to work out. Then make sure to give lots of hugs when I can handle being close again.

Hope this helps. :)

 

[rosey]

Thank you @Malaenis just what I needed to hear. Certainly check up on myself constantly, it is exhausting but I am so paranoid about repeating my parent's cycle even though I know I am a million miles away from their parenting. I use the bad example they set as a 'how not to guide'

Like you I am constantly explaining to my children and my older daughter especially even at 12 is very empathetic and nonjudgmental towards others so I am glad that my children dont seem affected in a negative way. I just have to remind myself that a bad day in a child's life is not the same as trauma.

thanks again