Ptsd poetry anyone?

[frogthroat]

Painter of Dead Girls

You're the irony of a suicide near Halloween. You look like a decoration hanging from a big oak tree. A spell is words you write that have no meaning - metallic taste of blood and lucky pennies.
I smell the weakness in you - a werwolf werewolf. I am an android made from real little girls.
Cock-eyed and sodomized, I render you in old lead. You're a twisted caricature of victimhood. Define purity. Are you a ghost or are you wearing a burqa? Tell me. Are you a barbie or are you a machine? Real parts replaced with adipocere. I am painting all that is tragic, melting into the canvas in a satanic panic. I deflect all of your pain. My throat is sore from screaming nonsense into your empty sockets. I smell the weakness in you - a werwolf werewolf. I am a mannequin made out of real little girls.

 

[frogthroat]

Incest

I was broken on the wheel before I could utter strings of useless sentences. I did not know. The warmth of your embrace - the warmth between my legs, I was from you and I became you in sapphic malaise. You hurt me in the tenderest of ways. I was your little paschal lamb sheared and naked. You created me and burnt me like an effigy. My ashes had no god to ascend to. I lift my nightgown up. I spread my legs. I am good. I am listening to you. And everything is all about your needs. You're all consuming - crushing, swallowing me. I cry about everything. I am sad but I don't know why. I am empty but I don't know why. Mommy, press my button, the one that only girls have. I ask you and ask you like a little whore but I can't really talk about it because it's bad and I don't understand what it is. Don't tell anyone what we do at home. Don't tell anyone what we do alone. You exhaust me. It's supply and demand. I gladly humiliate myself to win your affections.

 

[shatter eyes]

I am Naughty auti, autistic, Nauti me.

They thought I was "difficult" naughty, read-y, in-my-own-world quiet, stubborn, aloof, perhaps.
A solitary figure, hiding behind books, in nooks and crannys, preyable-on, inside tortured, drowning, frightened, alone in my suffering, dependant with no-one-to depend-on, alone, so alone, so alone.

I wondered aimless, hopeless, overwhelmed, terrified and not-caring at the same time. I thought I was useless, unlovable, obviously discardable, not-acceptable, not-valuable, empty of social value, not-wired-for-worldly-pursuits.

I didn't know what to do, sick of rapes, being someones else's discardable puppet that won't play, won't participate, believe me, I couldn't, even, if I tried, I am naughty, auti, nauti, Autistic Neri, a very disturbed girl.

Aspergers, brilliant in some ways, delayed in others. No social skills, clunky, learns by intellectualizing, devising ploys to blend in, odd and a little "off", a deep thinker, poetic, fanciful, romantic in the genre sense, an arty, weirdy, wired-differently, oddly pedantic, yet, strained-at-connecting, niave, younger-than-her-years, naughty, auti, nauti Neri, that's me.

Aspie to Aspie. Hellloooo.
I am Aspie too.

 

[frogthroat]

Sadistic Pedophile

Don't tell me that love is real and time heals all wounds. Don't tell me about a positive mental attitude. Don't tell me I'm capable of anything I want to do. You know this isn't true.
Yes, I can take care of myself. I don't need anyone else. I can't feel joy but I'm not a victim. I know my limits. You can unlearn sadness but what do you replace it with? Do I become another broken person with a fake personality - smiling with an empty gape, eyes staring blankly at me as if they were watching paint dry. How do I survive one day and then another when I know what people do to each other? Nothing's for free and there's no true empathy. Stop bullshitting me.
I am alive and that is fine. I can't be wasting time when I should've been dead years ago. I don't want any sympathy from anyone and I don't need love. There is nothing that's interesting to me anymore but I'm not bitching and moaning about it. This is just how it is. I don't tell anyone how I feel lest I be punished, dismissed, or locked away. We are all insignificant and my pain is meaningless. I just don't have much to say anymore.

 

[frogthroat]

Untitled

One day the sun will come up.
The birds will start to sing.
The flowers will be blooming
and I will not be here anymore.
You'll pass people on the street.
They'll be laughing and talking.
The smell of coffee and breakfast will fill the air and I will not be here anymore.
The radio will be so soft the people speaking will just be noise.
The breeze will be gentle.
You'll flip through mail while you make arrangements and I will not be here anymore.

 

[frogthroat]

Mommy
I don't really understand what you need.
I'm not really into that at all.
I could tie you to the bed post and call you names.
Does that do it for you?
What planet are we on?
We're so disconnected I might as well leave my bra on.
I could go home but I have no home.
If I wanted a dick I could get one made of silicone.
Explore me.
Destroy me.
I've been a whore for you. I've let you in.
I piss the bed.
You stick your fingers in me.
I am the living dead.
Spread me like surgeries.
I am a tulpa.
You disgust me.
Yet I cum for you and you're everything.
I'm so lonely as an adult.
You've f*cked up everything.

 

[lovak]

I'm actually trying to write a song. I have the following lines, and think I'm going to work with the piano today to find the proper chords and see what comes up when I'm playing it to finish it. I still need to think of a proper title and some way to end the song without ending it to abruptly. The song is about my tendency to go in denial, try not to feel anything, and then the inevitable mental breakdown.


[verse 1]
Waking up to another day
Habit, push the pain away
Nothing there to feel
But the world just dont seem real

My body keeps the score
Of what my mind will not explore
Nothing in my head
Keeping things unsaid

[pre-chorus]
And then the switch just flicks
There is no controlling it
The waves come crashing down
No place for hiding now
Gotta stop the memories
From consuming me
The pain is way to real
I dont want to feel

[chorus]
Swallow some pills
swallow some rum
Anything to make me feel numb
Swallow the food
And throw it back up
Anything to make this stop
Get the razor
Make me bleed
Anything to break from the prison in me

I can’t think about anything else
To stop you from hurting me
I have to hurt myself

[verse 2]
I can’t deny the things you’ve done
I just deny what I’ve become
Can’t the past stay in the past?
Why does the torture have to last?

I just take the easy road
Deny there’s anything to unload
Nothing heavy on my back
Just patching up the cracks

[pre-chorus]

[chorus]

 

[littleoc]

That’s really good! Thank you for sharing it!

 

[419can.dance]

I’m really in no mood to write
My brain is stuck on fight or flight
Sitting here just trying to make sense
Of what in the world has me so tense
I’ve tried deep breathing with no luck
Deep in my bed I wish I could tuck
Except there all I see is you
Causing the panic and fear to brew
Only one way in but no way out
You have brought to my soul a blackened drought
Oh my coping skills play in the mix
Still my mind is blinded by your tricks
I can see the sun peeking through
One day soon I will heal from you

 

[bellbird]

I know, 419, you'll find a way,
To break through this dreaded illness one day.
It may be tough, but you've got support,
So tuck up warm in that blanket fort.
Through your words I see your strength and power.
I know you WILL get through this,
If not in this hour.
And while we can't get out the way we came in,
This thing will still not beat you: you will win.

 

[419can.dance]

Sometimes I wonder what it is like outside
Yes I have been there but I try to hide
Wearing my clothing in my hair so well
You would have never guessed how deep fell
Sometimes I wonder what it is like outside
I simply go along for the ride
Hiding my woes and feelings too
The anxiety and fear start to brew
Sometimes I wonder what it is like outside
Outside of my mind where I have suffered and cried

 

[419can.dance]

I know, 419, you'll find a way,
To break through this dreaded illness one day.
It may be tough, but you've got support,
So tuck up warm in that blanket fort.
Through your words I see your strength and power.
I know you WILL get through this,
If not in this hour.
And while we can't get out the way we came in,
This thing will still not beat you: you will win.

Thank you! You have brought on the tears. I know I can make it past these fears. One day at a time. Hour by hour. I will make it blossom like a beautiful sunflower!