Ptsd Preventing The Development Of A Relationship

[Nebulustrix]

Hello, everyone.

I suffer from PTSD, a result of a life-threatening abusive relationship which I left approximately four years ago. Upon leaving, I received counseling and was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder. It was, initially, very severe and took quite a bit of working through. After about a year, I felt confident in saying I had my symptoms under control and had recovered from the trauma, and I was told that it was no longer considered necessary for me to receive counseling.

I knew, however, that whenever the time came that I was ready to start pursuing another relationship, that more issues with this would surface, as it would be impossible for me to address all my triggers outside a relationship - because my trauma came from a relationship.

Now, there is a guy who has expressed an interest in dating me, and while I don't necessarily feel all that interested in him, I didn't exactly turn him away either. We only met about two weeks ago now, and I didn't want to reject him flat out without giving him a chance and an opportunity to get to know each other. Only two weeks into our first meeting though, and I'm already thinking I'm leaning toward rejection because he is coming on too fast and too strong for my taste. But how much of that desire to reject him is based on normal observations of legitimate concerns, and how much is my gut reaction due to my PTSD?

I had a panic attack yesterday over texting. I hardly use my phone at all, and after giving this guy my number, he's been texting me every day - just checking up on how I'm doing, asking what I'm up to, etc. However, within the texts he's commenting that he wants things to "work out" between us, that he "loves" me, and resending messages I haven't responded to as if wanting to reassure himself that I received them, then commenting that I don't answer him. All these things set off warning sirens in my head - that he is trying to move to fast, that he is emotionally immature, needy, desperate, insecure, etc - and caused flashbacks.

After receiving several messages I had not yet been able to respond to and seeing a final text simply stating, "You don't answer", I chewed him out for pestering me too much and taking things too fast, then turned off my phone as I was having a panic attack. Couldn't breath, crying, distraught, nausea, headache, and my mind kept flashing back to the ex.

Now, I don't want to talk to this guy. Can't work myself up to send him any more texts or offer to get together to explain my issues in person, and if there was even a spark of interest there when he initially asked if I'd like to go out, it is completely gone. I've talked this through with a couple people and their opinions on the matter differ greatly:

One feels that if I'm reacting like this, it is a sign that I'm simply not ready for a relationship yet, or at least not with this guy. My warning bells are likely legitimate concerns raised by my gut instincts to protect me from another possibly unhealthy relationship. If this guy makes me so uncomfortable and anxious, just let it go and don't worry about it any more.

The other feels that I'm over-reacting due to my PTSD and I shouldn't reject the guy off-hand. Treat him as a friend for now and if he can't respect boundaries and take things slowly, THEN reject him, but the PTSD is going to crop up no matter who the guy is or how he acts, and I'm going to have to figure out how to deal with it - whether with this guy or a different one further down the line.

Talking it through though doesn't seem to have helped much, as it's been stuck on my mind all day, and I've now sought out this site in the hopes of finding further advice from others with experience with PTSD, as I find myself stuck up in the middle of the night with insomnia.

Thoughts?

 

[Purplemunchkin]

In my opinion your concerns are legitimate, although possibly magnified by your PTSD. Never dismiss your feelings as 'just the PTSD'.

If you feel this uncomfortable and anxious I would say you should call it quits. It doesn't matter why you feel this way, but it's not the basis on which a healthy, happy relationship should start.

To be honest, as a supporter not a sufferer, from what you have said I would find his texts suffocating and OTT.

Yes you will need to deal with the PTSD in any future relationship, but that should be with someone you feel comfortable enough to confide in, not someone you feel pressured to communicate with.

 

[franciemarnie]

Trust your gut. This guy isn't the right one for you. Your body is screaming No!

I talked myself into so many relationships that weren't right for me and wasted years.

Then I found the right one. I still had PTSD, but none of the old gut reactions like you are having. Just plain old PTSD and a good guy who I liked being with and whose love and understanding made it all so much easier.

 

[Nebulustrix]

Thanks guys! :) I think it helps to have others with experience with PTSD to confirm it's alright to trust my gut and that my PTSD is not the only reason for wanting to turn this guy away.

And I'm wondering now, is this stressor (excessive texting) something I should really focus on desensitizing myself to, or would it just be a better idea to ensure any future relationship is with someone who will not excessively text? I want to be able to separate it from the flashbacks so it doesn't cause panic attacks, but it seems to me like a legitimate relationship concern as well, as it can be a sign of neediness, controlling behavior, insecurity, etc.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

RUN.

texting "I love you" after two weeks is not good. It doesn't give a chance for a true relationship to develop. He can't love you after two weeks. He doesn't even know you. So either he's lying to get sex or he's really out of touch with what love is. Either way, not a keeper.

I stopped reading after you mentioned the love thing. Nothing else mattered after that statement!

 

[Nebulustrix]

Solara -

Exactly what I was thinking! The "I love you" text sent up a HUGE red flag, and I couldn't tell whether I was just getting panicky or if that really was abnormal. I've heard of people falling head-over-heels for someone within the first few moments of knowing them, and I've known some people that came away with successful relationships after marrying when they'd only known each other a month or so. So I wasn't sure how put off I "should" feel about that.

I just figured he believes in the whole "love at first sight" concept, and had infatuation/lust confused with love. Either way, it really threw me off and made me immensely uncomfortable, and when I mentioned that saying "I love you" after only knowing each other a couple weeks was too fast, he reiterated that it was just how he felt and he couldn't change that, but he didn't mean to pressure me. So that reinforced my thoughts that he's just not understanding what love really is, and he's feeling infatuated/lusty.

 

[anonymous]

Solara -

Exactly what I was thinking! The "I love you" text sent up a HUGE red flag,

So that reinforced my thoughts that he's just not understanding what love really is, and he's feeling infatuated/lusty.

That can also be a red flag for an abuser or a crazy stalker unhealthy emotions person.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Neb,

I had a guy say that to me after only knowing him a short while. I just laughed! Love is when you've seen all (many) sides of a person and you feel the same regardless. It takes time to build. It doesn't just happen overnight. I don't doubt that people do have instant connections and end up marrying that person, but I still don't think that is love either. Well, not in the initial stages, if you know what I mean. I see it as lust that ends up building into lasting love.

 

[Nebulustrix]

anon- That was definitely one of my concerns, having come from an abusive relationship and my only other attempted dating experience was a rebound immediately after the separation, and the guy was very stalker-ish. I seem to have a habit of attracting those types. Sigh.

Solara - Sounds like you and I are thinking on the same page. Now if I can just get the guys that express interest in me to see it that way! :)

This is all a great help. Thank you, everyone, for your comments! I forsee more issues coming up that I'll need to hash out and discuss as I delve back into the dating world, because I am a very inexperienced dater. It just has never been a priority for me, and I have not actively pursued relationships with anyone, so it has only come up when a guy has expressed interest and I've accepted the initial offer -agreed to at least give it a try. So my relationship experience has been-

1. First love turned abusive, resulting in life-threatening situation and PTSD.
2. Rebound during separation phase, turned stalker and had to forcefully give the "NO WAY" to end the relationship.
3. Current attempt with interested guy claiming love after only knowing each other two weeks.

I will probably end up frequenting this site for relationship advice along with the PTSD coping, since these will both be tied so hand-in-hand with each other. I have no good relationships of my own (my parents have a very strong healthy relationship, and I tend to rely heavily on that but it's not quite the same) to fall back on for comparisons, so I can't tell what is normal or where to draw the lines. I don't want to push a good guy away by overreacting to something normal, but I also don't want to let things slide that I should be holding my ground on.

 

[TLight]

I totally agree with what the others are saying. Especially if he's saying he 'loves' you after two weeks, then guilt trips you when you don't immediately respond to texts. I'd actually be headed the other way fast.

Plus, it's taken me 20 years to figure out that 'yes' I have ptsd and have extreme reactions to triggers. I used to not trust myself, blame myself, and ignore myself and find myself in terrible relationships that turned out to be trigger nightmares. I lost my physical health due to the stress and my suffered horribly in and out of these triggering relationships.

Now I figure if I'm triggered, it's for a pretty good reason. May not be a good reason for someone else, but it's good enough for me and there's only more triggering to come and, personally, it could get to the point where I finally commit suicide. Now, I look at my triggers as super bright neon red flags and I'm gonna trust them and pay attention and move away quickly. Period. No more not trusting myself simply cause I have ptsd.

 

[Deleted member 20978]

Neb --

I am a guy who has abandonment issues and can certainly be needy and clingy. I've been in a relationship with my wife for 7 years so its been a while since I was dating, but just wanted to say, I find the behavior you describe creepy and would steer clear. As others have said, if you don't feel in your gut that you are *comfortable* and desiring intimacy with this person, then don't waste your time. Good to get input and sanity check boundaries, but trust your gut as far as what *you* want. Sounds like you aren't attracted to him even if he weren't being so fast and desperate.

He may be an okay guy who's just emotionally needy or whatever (i.e. may *not* be a total loon, just bad at dating or as you say not mature about love). He may not. If you see him as friend material, try for very explicit, very clear, and sensitive but not too sensitive telling him "I am sorry but I'm only interested in friendship here." If that's too hard to communicate, I'd tell him more like "I'm sorry I am just not feeling this way."

Also in my experience, needy or not, guys don't generally shift well from romantic interest to completely platonic. Add to that this guy's desperation and pushiness, and my advice is cut him off and wait for someone who makes you feel comfortable to move at the pace you need to. For someone recovering from PTSD from abusive relationships, you probably need someone who is very attuned to how you're feeling, not someone who blindly texts what he feels and needs without waiting for a response, right?

 

[Nebulustrix]

Tlight-

That's a great way to look at it and makes sense. Frequently getting triggered by something can very well be a warning sign and even if the guy may not necessarily be bad, he would be bad for me as the constant triggers would be very stressful - and who wants to be in a relationship that's all high stress, right? I just worry that I'll be constantly triggered no matter what, and then never have a relationship. I don't want to end up using my PTSD as an excuse to avoid all relationships. So, not sure where I should make the separation?

Getting triggered this early on when I'm not even all that interested obviously isn't a good sign, and I'll be letting this guy know it's not going to work out soon as I work up the nerve to reply to him again. But what about the next guy, or the next? What about someone I'm genuinely interested in? If I get frequently triggered even with a good guy, I don't want to hide behind it.

Jemini -

Your last paragraph really hit home. I felt like jumping up and down - "Yes! Yes! That's EXACTLY what I'm looking for!" .... but.... Are there even any guys perceptive and sensitive enough that would be interested in a relationship with me? That's this little worry that constantly nags in the back of my head. Will I ever find a guy like that? And if I do, will he want to be with me?