PTSD "Qualification" Issues?

[blackwool]

Hi, I'm new as of today and am NOT currently diagnosed with PSTD. (In my registration I ticked "PTSD sufferer" because it seemed more accurate than "other") I am unsure as to whether I "qualify" (for want of a better word) for this type of forum, as I am aware that most of the users here have had experiences which are undoubtedly more traumatic than mine. However, when reading lists of symptoms of PTSD, I find it relates very closely to what I am currently experiencing.

Help?

I recently had a very upsetting experience upon finding out that my boyfriend of seven years had sex with a close friend of mine on two occasions in the past. My partner and I have been very close for most of our formative years (we met at age 13, we are now 21)

Before this incident, we have had a number of other issues in our relationship, most of which are connected with his struggles regarding his gender identity. He has always had trouble with this aspect of his personality, the severity of this ranges from intense self-hatred, and hatred of his body, to suicidal thoughts.

These feelings have gradually lessened to a much more manageable level now, and most aspects of our relationship are healthy, he is a regular crossdresser, and our sex-life is perhaps a little more exotic than your average. However it was a very long and difficult process to get where we are now.

When we first met, I had no idea that these issues were present in his life, and when he first explained it to me, I was very confused and didn't know how to deal with it. I felt unsure of my "role" in the relationship. If he was the girl, dis that mean I was the boy? What did I need to do? How should I give him what he needed?

For a good couple of years we struggled on and off with this, several times I attempted to forcibly change my sexual desires and appearance, in order to conform to what i thought he needed. This was spurred on by his clear happiness when I wore a boyish shirt, or behaved in a masculine manner.

A few major incidents stand out in my memory, firstly his attempted suicide at age 14, which I was unaware of until several years later, and his mutual attraction to a male friend of his, which at several points threatened our relationship.

It was during one of my periods of attempted self-alteration, that he had the above mentioned sexual encounters with our mutual close friend. From his account of the event, I gather that he was seeking a certain kind of sex which i was having trouble providing (i.e. forced feminisation/objectification etc.) This was about two years ago. He told me about a month ago.

Since then I have been suffering from many of the symptoms listed under PTSD, namely:

intense reaction to triggers such as words, names, dates which connect with the time of their involvement. (nausea, sweating, trembling, crying)

avoidance of triggers.

obsessive "people-pleasing" particularly with my partner, but also others. Going ridiculously above the call of duty, cleaning his room while he's out, making food for him, buying him gifts, giving him plenty of the sex he likes, trying not to talk about my "bad days" for fear of worrying him.

sudden, invasive and debilitating thoughts and visions

difficulty concentrating on a task

bad eating habits (swinging between eating lots of bad food, to not eating anything and enjoying the feeling of being hungry)

controlling behaviour.

etc etc etc blah blah blah.

So I suppose my question is: has anyone experienced similar symptoms from a similar cause? Any insight would be greatly appreciated. :)

 

[bluecat]

Hi Blackwool,

welcome to the forum. I don't know if you have PTSD, you'll need to talk to a psychologist about that. But some of the things you're talking about, some of the feelings and confusion you're describing, sound familiar to me. I just recommended this book to someone a few minutes ago and I think it might be helpful for you too. It helped me make sense out of a similarly confusing situation, even though the specific 'issues' in my relationship had to do with different things. Its called "When Love Goes Wrong" by Ann Jones and Susan Schechter.

Getting a psychologist might be a good thing to help you through this time too, regardless of your diagnosis.

Take care,

Bluecat

 

[TLight]

I ditto what Bluecat states.

It sounds like a very confusing and instable relationship. You really don't want to have PTSD. I have CPTSD from early childhood sick abuses and lifelong revictimization. Really, life is tough and we all go through things that make our minds spin endlessly trying to 'make sense.' But you really don't want to have this. I've had it since 29 and I'm now 45. It is very very serious and debilitating. I can not work a 'normal' job, barely have a decent life, a little stress and I'm ready to be hospitalized and I'm medicated, likely for the rest of my life.

So, get some help. Work through your feelings, try to move forward and I hope it isn't too painful to you. Don't go to the place that you have PTSD until you receive a diagnosis. It is a very devastating disorder.

 

[cdnleaf]

Concerning PTSD, I believe you should really work through this through with a doctor who can refer you to a psychiatrist. I have read elements of the DSM-IV, but generally do not go through it. Other people can probably expand on the dangers of self diagnosing. With respect to your actual experience and trauma, I believe it is more important to gauge the impact it has had on your life. That to say, I believe your reaction to the trauma and coping during this relationship, is more important than someone else would in similar circumstances. You can obviously find a great deal of strength, support and commonality perhaps in someone else's story. But, in my view it is what the trauma/situation means to you. Hope this helps, Dan.

 

[Nishkaa]

Hi Blackwool,

I agree with others here, definitely see if you can seek out some counselling for yourself, find a good therapist to help you through this.

Don't trouble yourself with self-diagnosis, trust me, it will just add to the anxiety and also take you off track of the healing and recovery work you'd be better focussing on. Leave the diagnosing to a trained professional-- let them worry about that. Also, just to let you know, PTSD does take time to be diagnosed. I saw a psychiatrist for six months before he came up with a diagnosis for me. So, my advice to you is to not stress to much about diagnoses.

I think it's better to learn how to re-tune into your own feelings and making your own decisions.

 

[Nishkaa]

As For The Relationship Part: Your Significant Other. . .

As for your relationship, I can see that a lot was going on there for sure.

It seems like your boyfriend has been struggling with gender issues, and sexual identities and that's definitely not an easy struggle at all. Some people go through something that's clinically described as "gender dysphoria", where they just don't feel right in their own bodies, it feels like they are in the wrong body for them. Confusion about sexual preferences is likely to occur as well. I know someone very close, a born-into-a-male-body who has struggled with this, has experienced suicidalness, depression, panic, social alienation, fear, shame, huge confusion, among other things.

Your significant-other (keeping it gender neutral for now ;-) ) could probably benefit from counselling himself, that would probably be a really good thing too. There are some ways to search for therapists on-line, he'd want to make sure he finds a therapist that is GLBT-friendly and experienced, there are sites on line for this, to put in a specific request for what's needed, and they can email or phone you back with a list of the most appropriate therapists in your area.

But, it's probably better to put worries aside for your significant-other and re-focus on how this relationship has been affecting you?

My post was way too long, so I have divided it up into three parts, I'll be back in a minute. . .

 

[Nishkaa]

Relationship Part and You: Seeking Counselling Might Really Help You

It seems like the relationship of what you were expecting went through some sudden and fairly dramatic changes and yet you loved this person and so much so, that it seems like you put a lot of your needs aside to please him and maybe submitted to doing things for which you felt really uncomfortable about? Feeling 'forced' to change gender roles in order to please him, but what about yourself and about what is comfortable for you-- that matters too, you know.

I had some earlier relationships, same age as you back them (I'm 40, if you can believe that!), I didn't realize how harmful it was to me, to abandon my needs and wants, and it got so bad, I feel like I was pretty much a servant, a slave. He didn't really care about where I was at, where I was at didn't figure into the equation-- but this is coming from a 'jaded 40- year old" now ;-)

I learnt later that relationships should be about caring and sharing. Even though you two have had this is other aspects of your relationship, the sexual realm and equality of respect is also very very important, and without that, it can be quite damaging.


Part of my problem is that I couldn't speak up for myself, what I needed from a relationship. Another part of it was afraid of change, afraid that this relationship breaking up when he was suppose to be "my own and only" sort of idea (he was my second, or third as I recall, the guy I'm thinking about now ;-) ). But the idea was that I should be committed to him for life, because we were sexual, but therefore staying in a relationship that was really bad for me? Not healthy. We're allowed to make mistakes and learn from them. We're allowed to learn more about what we actually need from relationships and to seek out those relationships that best fit our wants, desires, needs, compatability.

I think counselling could really help you out in defining and discovering what is actually healthy for you; what do need in relationships-- and fidelity is a very valid need, loyalty, sexually safe (especially these days). I think counselling can help you sort out what you want to do; what changes you would like; how to ask for what you want and need; how to find more happiness and serenity with it all.



One quick story. I dated a guy in university who wanted to start cross-dress. I said "well, I don't know. . . how bout we just start with a kilt", so I got him a kilt (Scottish tartan things) :) I don't think he was dealing with gender dysmorphia, I think he was just enjoying his freedom to the maximum, in getting out of small town and being free to explore his identity and where's at with it all.

Something strange was happening, he still had a very strong attachment to his ex-girlfriend, whom he was still living with (!), but they had been "broken up" for a year. The "ex" was okay that I was dating him, and we later became friends (I discovered I liked her more, but not in a sexual way, but she was a really decent person). But the boyfriend, he'd been together with her for so many years, and their relationship had become really "co-dependent", "super enmeshed dependency", e.g. great difficulty figuring out "where one ends and the other begins"-- way too much "we", not enough "I" in his thinking and relating to the world. It got more complicated as he discovered that he was attracted to his ex's new boyfriend. He was really angry, because "he saw him first" and he felt really, really betrayed. I let this boyfriend go, obviously, because he had another journey to do of his own and I wasn't really fitting in with that.

He was not a bad guy at all (he didn't hurt me sexually, he was super respectful re: consent, and patience and that was really healing for me at that time)-- we were only about a year together (it started as a frienship), maybe 6 months in a more intimate form of relationship.

I just learnt that thing that if I love a person, truly love them, sometimes I have to be willing to set them free, so they can move on in their journey and towards what they need to discover for themselves. We keep in contact from time to time, he actually wound up getting married, settling down with a woman he met in a foreign country (Europe, where he taught English there). It worked out, it turned out to be a the best decision that was equally good for both of us. I have a peaceful heart about it, no regrets anymore.


I just thought the 'kilt' part was kind of funny :)

I think you would gain a lot more personal power from counselling and if you take care of this now, it will benefit you many years into the future. You are still very young, you've got youth on your side; you're obviously a very caring person as well, and so you deserve the same, in all realms of a relationship.

Take Care,
~k

 

[blackwool]

Thankyou all very much for all your advice and help. :) I will indeed heed it and go seek out a counselor or similar. I think it's all going to turn out okay, I'm just freaking out a little at the moment. I get very panicked when I don't understand what's going on in my own head! And yes, perhaps I have a tendency to self-diagnose because of that. (bad habit)

Thanks again everyone, your thoughts really helped. I shall go get myself sorted out and I'll recommend that my partner does too. You're right, I'm sure it would do him some good.