Sorry if the sentences I'm typing out are not coherent - English is not my first language and my mind is really "foggy"(=only way I can describe it) right now.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So I'm a 20 year old guy. When I was a kid(6 years old) my sister got brutally murdered, the murderer swore that the day he got free he'd come and kill her whole family; he was released 1 month ago. Since I was very young I promised myself that I'd become the toughest guy around and be able to protect my family. In my "pursuit" for "toughness" I grew up in a violent environment which caused me to see multiple stabbings and murders. One person died in my arms after being stabbed multiple times and being driven over by a car. I myself had two stabbing attempts on my life but nothing major.
I never really bothered to go to a psychologist or even talk to people about the things I've seen.
However I think these events might have caused some issues in my life I just didn't want to see. Since the age of 12-13 I've been having these violent nightmares multiple times per night where I'd get murdered in which caused me to be inable to sleep. I'd basically have a nightmare, wake up, realize I need to train myself to be able to protect myself, went to sleep, nightmare, and the cycle continues. This has caused me to hate sleep.
Throughout my teenage years people were worried about me because of my cold behaviour and because of my inability to have "feelings" for other persons. I'd have these violent outbursts triggered by seemingly stupid things, which has caused me to isolate myself.
I didn't have my first girlfriend till I was 19. Most girls annoyed me, however one day I met this girl that just had something special about her. Normally people are not even allowed to touch me, if people touch me I get annoyed and mad.
However the first couple hours after meeting this girl she grabbed my hand and for some reason I didn't feel any anger at all, I actually felt warm inside. When we hugged for the first time I almost cried. When I realized I was falling in love with her and that I was basically failing my promise I had made to myself to ever feel warm towards another human being, I tried to break things off.
However she told me she doesn't care about all my problems and that she was going to love me and care for me until the day I could finally open up to her and that we would be happy together for ever. Each day, for months she told me that it's true love between us and that nothing would come between us.
The first months of our relationship was turbulent, I'd have my anger outburst(= I've never hit her, and I'll never ever hit a girl) whenever she tried to talk about feelings, I was too scared to sleep with her because I was scared I'd hit her in my sleep during a nightmare by accident,.. But she always kept saying she'd keep loving me until I was able to love her back.
After a couple of months I noticed that step-by-step things were going better, I was able to tell her that I loved her etc.. Things that I didn't imagine possible.
However a month ago the murderer of my sister got released.
My nightmares started getting worse, I started getting hallucinations, my anger outbursts got more and more frequently.. The last 4 days I've woken up multiple times in random places in my house, where I'd see blood everywhere etc and I'd feel like I was dying however it'd disappear after like 30 seconds.
The moment I was finally able to open up to the girl I love shit went crazy.. She decided that she can't handle my shift in behaviour every 20 minutes anymore and after in an anger outburst I told her I didn't want to see her again she got her stuff and left.
I haven't felt so hopeless and weak since the day my sister got murdered.
I tried calling her and she told me she can't live with me anymore and that I need to get professional help before we can get things good between us.
I'm sitting here with a knife next to me the whole f*cking day with urges to slit my own throat but for some reason the moment I want to do it I just barely can't.
She said she thinks that it's PTSD that I have but I don't know I'm just mentally so f*cked up at the moment I can't think straight I can't even make some food for myself at the moment.. That's why I'm posting this topic because I want to do everything possible to get her back
Someone please help me.. I can't think clearly and I want her back.. I need some advice.. Sorry If I'm sounding melodramatic but I don't know what the hell is wrong with me at the moment, I've barely slept in weeks and the nightmares and anger outbursts are getting worse and worse
---
The one moment I'm back cold like I used to be and 5 minutes later I'm crying like a little baby. This is the worst day out of my life
nvm, I don't want help anymore. mods please delete topic I can't find the button ty
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So I'm a 20 year old guy. When I was a kid(6 years old) my sister got brutally murdered, the murderer swore that the day he got free he'd come and kill her whole family; he was released 1 month ago. Since I was very young I promised myself that I'd become the toughest guy around and be able to protect my family. In my "pursuit" for "toughness" I grew up in a violent environment which caused me to see multiple stabbings and murders. One person died in my arms after being stabbed multiple times and being driven over by a car. I myself had two stabbing attempts on my life but nothing major.
I never really bothered to go to a psychologist or even talk to people about the things I've seen.
However I think these events might have caused some issues in my life I just didn't want to see. Since the age of 12-13 I've been having these violent nightmares multiple times per night where I'd get murdered in which caused me to be inable to sleep. I'd basically have a nightmare, wake up, realize I need to train myself to be able to protect myself, went to sleep, nightmare, and the cycle continues. This has caused me to hate sleep.
Throughout my teenage years people were worried about me because of my cold behaviour and because of my inability to have "feelings" for other persons. I'd have these violent outbursts triggered by seemingly stupid things, which has caused me to isolate myself.
I didn't have my first girlfriend till I was 19. Most girls annoyed me, however one day I met this girl that just had something special about her. Normally people are not even allowed to touch me, if people touch me I get annoyed and mad.
However the first couple hours after meeting this girl she grabbed my hand and for some reason I didn't feel any anger at all, I actually felt warm inside. When we hugged for the first time I almost cried. When I realized I was falling in love with her and that I was basically failing my promise I had made to myself to ever feel warm towards another human being, I tried to break things off.
However she told me she doesn't care about all my problems and that she was going to love me and care for me until the day I could finally open up to her and that we would be happy together for ever. Each day, for months she told me that it's true love between us and that nothing would come between us.
The first months of our relationship was turbulent, I'd have my anger outburst(= I've never hit her, and I'll never ever hit a girl) whenever she tried to talk about feelings, I was too scared to sleep with her because I was scared I'd hit her in my sleep during a nightmare by accident,.. But she always kept saying she'd keep loving me until I was able to love her back.
After a couple of months I noticed that step-by-step things were going better, I was able to tell her that I loved her etc.. Things that I didn't imagine possible.
However a month ago the murderer of my sister got released.
My nightmares started getting worse, I started getting hallucinations, my anger outbursts got more and more frequently.. The last 4 days I've woken up multiple times in random places in my house, where I'd see blood everywhere etc and I'd feel like I was dying however it'd disappear after like 30 seconds.
The moment I was finally able to open up to the girl I love shit went crazy.. She decided that she can't handle my shift in behaviour every 20 minutes anymore and after in an anger outburst I told her I didn't want to see her again she got her stuff and left.
I haven't felt so hopeless and weak since the day my sister got murdered.
I tried calling her and she told me she can't live with me anymore and that I need to get professional help before we can get things good between us.
I'm sitting here with a knife next to me the whole f*cking day with urges to slit my own throat but for some reason the moment I want to do it I just barely can't.
She said she thinks that it's PTSD that I have but I don't know I'm just mentally so f*cked up at the moment I can't think straight I can't even make some food for myself at the moment.. That's why I'm posting this topic because I want to do everything possible to get her back
Someone please help me.. I can't think clearly and I want her back.. I need some advice.. Sorry If I'm sounding melodramatic but I don't know what the hell is wrong with me at the moment, I've barely slept in weeks and the nightmares and anger outbursts are getting worse and worse
---
The one moment I'm back cold like I used to be and 5 minutes later I'm crying like a little baby. This is the worst day out of my life
nvm, I don't want help anymore. mods please delete topic I can't find the button ty
