General Ptsd Sufferer Relationships With His Children

[discarded]

My PTSD partner and I separated 2 1/2 years ago. Prior to the separation he had withdrawn from family life. If our older children visited with the grandchildren he would withdraw to another room on his own and drink and watch tv. Since our separation he has had very little to do with his children and their families, as well as his youngest dependent child who has just turned 14. He would go for months with no contact, no response to attempts to contact him. He would see his 14 year old daughter sporadically, although by his agreement he would see her once a fortnight.

In the lead up to Christmas 2014 he announced he was in a new relationship which it turns out he has been in since before we separated. He wanted the older 3 children and their families to meet his "new family" as he called them. His new partner has 2 children. This has deeply upset our children who feel he excluded them from his life for over 2 years and now sudenly without explanation wants them to meet his partner and children. Our 2 adult sons are refusing to have anything to do with the situation. Our eldest daughter has met them and is very distraught that he traded a our family for another, when he said he wasn't coping in ours.

Our youngest daughter has not been invited to meet his new family and does not wish to. She is devastated that he has seen little of her and has never suggested her spending anymore than a couple of hours a fortnight with her and yet lives with a complete other family.

I don't understand the whole thing either. I can acept he wants nothing to do with me but I don't understand why he suddenly out of the blue wanted them all to meet after so much time. I don't know how to explain to them either.

 

[Sweetpea76]

He's being a selfish (fill in the blank).

When my ex took off on us, and stopped seeing the kids, I told them that grown ups don't always do the right things. They make mistakes too, and their dad was making a mistake that he will regret someday by not seeing them. It was all about him being selfish, and not about anything they did or didn't do. It didn't make him a bad person because everybody does make mistakes and has selfish phases. He just was not making wise decisions.

They then got older and formed their own opinions. I didn't talk bad about their dad to them. I didn't have to. Their feelings are 100% on the ex, and not anybody else. It sucks to see your kids in pain though.

 

[discarded]

Thank you Sweetpea. My older children, 29, 27 and 23 respectively have found it the most difficult to cope. They knew their father long before PTSD. The youngest has just turned 14 and has really only known him with PTSD. I have tried to explain to her that this is not what most fathers are like and he really needs our love and support more than ever. It is just a shame we don't get to give it.

 

[Justmehere]

Oh this is so heartbreaking. I'm so sorry for what you and your kids are going through.

I want to caution you on one thing: It isn't really appropriate to blame all his behavior on PTSD or excuse his behavior because he has PTSD. Cheating on your wife, abandoning your children to build a family with someone else, is more of a symptom of being an cheating a--hole.

The youngest has just turned 14 and has really only known him with PTSD. I have tried to explain to her that this is not what most fathers are like and he really needs our love and support more than ever. It is just a shame we don't get to give it.

It's not that he needs your love and support more than ever. He need boundaries and to get the clear message that this is not ok. Period. No matter the cause of his behavior, such chronic abandonment of and his children and his cheating on you is awful and mean. If it is due to PTSD or some other mental health condition, then all the more reasons to hold bright and clear boundaries against this behavior so he realizes it is wrong and hurtful and he needs to get help. That is the best way you can love him.

The nonsense about inviting different children to meet new children and not others and all of this - he is setting up his kids to have a higher risk of their own serious issues later in life with confidence and relationships and attachment. Your kids anger is a normal and natural response. Instead of trying to love and support your ex-husband, by excusing his behavior or encouraging your kids to love and support him more than ever now, I suggest focusing your attention on helping your kids get therapy and support, and telling them their anger is normal and what their father is doing is not ok, not their fault, and not something they deserve. Period. PTSD or not.

 

[discarded]

Thank you for response Justmehere. It is so good to hear you say what you have said. I am tired of defending him and him blaming everything on his PTSD. I am tired of him never being held accountable for anything he has done and continues to do.

Where his children are concerned, the older ones are adults and can make their own decisions. The youngest needs more guidance. Unfortunately I am continually bombarded with relationship advice from so called professionals that insist I should only speak highly of my husband to our daughter and encourage a relationship between them. I find it very difficult to do this.

As for me, when I started to set boundaries and stand up for myself, he behaved even worse. "if you don't like who I am now and the way I behave then leave". So evetually I left.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Unfortunately I am continually bombarded with relationship advice from so called professionals that insist I should only speak highly of my husband to our daughter and encourage a relationship between them. I find it very difficult to do this.

I used to buy into that garbage too... eventually I realized that he was a grown man and more than capable of maintaining his own relationship with the kids if he wanted. I stopped bending over backwards to help him. It was like banging my head on a wall. Now I don't help, but I don't hinder either. I'm enough people's momma without being his too.

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