Hi Butterfly:) ,
Good to hear from you. I'm sorry you are going through a very painful phase. I'm here for you whenever you need to vent and I will not judge because I have been through what you described and the initial effort for you to break it off is very sad and hard. There doesn't seem to be alot of compassion for people going through this phase...all we hear is "get over the jerk" or "your an idiot for still talking to him"...none of which help our mood or self-esteem. The last thing we need is someone telling us we're an idiot...our men have already done a good job of that. :unsure:
I initiated my own breakup to my Fiance 4 months ago and it was BRUTALLY hard. Just know it does get better with time. I am 4 months into my breakup-get-back-together phase, and it's been a solid 4 weeks now since I've completely broken off communication. This is by far the longest we've ever gone without speaking...usually in touch every day. It is very hard, I'm not going to lie to you...but at the same time my mind is finally recovering from all the mis-treatment.
As much as our men seem to have in common, they definitely differ in the commitment arena. I'll tell you that it might be better that he has not built your dreams up just to let them fall. I know it's still a struggle either way because if they don't give more then we want more, but in my case my man DID offer me the WORLD. Six months into our relationship, he got on a kick about having a baby together...wow! This meant the WORLD to me! He was the first guy who ever initiated a conversation about wanting to have a baby together. I was so excited at the thought of having my life-long dream of having a baby. I was 40 at the time so I thought maybe it wouldn't happen for me. After 3 months of me jumping through hoops with my gyno Dr to test fertilization, etc, I was ready to get pregnant (=what he said he wanted). Then without warning one of his ptsd episodes hit and he suddenly went from saying he couldn't wait to have a baby to he didn't want a commitment, and having a baby together simply never was brought up again. Talk about being built up just to be let down???! I would have rather him never have said a word about a baby because it sure hurt me and made me look like a JERK to friends, family, and coworkers to be saying we were going to try to have a baby and then 3 months later never speak of it again.
I told you the story of the recent time he cheated (he's done it twice), but here is the story of the 1st time he cheated 3 yrs ago. After his ptsd kicked into gear (this was the 1st episode I experienced...before that he was nice, normal, attentive), not only did the baby topic go out the window, but he started saying "I don't want anything serious" and he would have absolutely BIZARRE behavior. He still wanted to see me all the time, and would toggle back & forth from "I have never loved anyone as much as I love you" (which I truly felt) to "I don't want anything serious".
Then strangely we'd be out at a bar at night and he would go to the bathroom for like 5 long minutes! Then would come back and act like things were fine. I saw many men walk in and out of the bathroom in the timeframe he was in there so something was definitely weird. Then when he got back to our table his phone was blowing up with text msgs. When I asked who it was he said "ah nobody, don't worry". So it turns out he had been texting in the bathroom! We got back to his apt & he passed out, so I decided to look through his phone. I have never been the type of woman to do this, but I had also been with trustworthy boyfriends up to this point, and I felt I deserved to know what was going on. There were multiple texts from different women! And one in particular that he named "art" on his phone.
I had to act like I didn't see his phone (because liars/cheaters don't like to be caught! lol), but at least I was equipped with the knowledge. I watched closer for more strange behavior and he continued with his secretive phone texts. I was so horrified and in so much shock I didn't know what to say or do. I was so in love with this man at this point, and had so much fun with him. I rarely find someone I'm attracted to, so this feeling became my own worst enemy because it was hard for me to leave.
A month or so later, I broke it off because of all the weird behavior. I didn't even know what ptsd was back then, boy have I learned! He was in such a mental 'funk', that I called his family (who I had never met) and told them that he was suffering badly from ptsd from the war, he could not tell them. They did not know. We bonded over this and his family loved me from the 1st moment...because someone loves their son/brother enough to go through all of this. One of his brothers flew out here shortly afterwards (from NY to Cali) to help out. Bruce and I were pretty much broken up at this point because I was adament about not dating someone who talks to other women, and I definitely would never date someone who cheated on me.
His bro came out with a friend. His bro is a good man, and helped my Bruce out alot and also helped our relationship while he was in town. Then at dinner one night, it came out that some OTHER woman had picked them up from the airport when they arrived!!!! Talk about slap in my face, talk about humiliation! Can you believe the nerve of Bruce? It turned out to be "Art"...the one on his txt msgs, which I'll explain below. I could not believe it. I was DONE at that point...but his brother (also not understanding ptsd) talked me into staying with him and try to work it out, that he knew Bruce loved me and that he's just 'sick right now'. So I decided to work it out with him. He was not on meds up to this point so we got him on meds and he seemed to change 100% for the better like night and day. I thought everything would be ok from then on.
He was so greatful to have me back that he was open (to a certain degree) with his phone and his weird behavior stopped. He was back to the loving, attentive, wonderful, fun man that he was before who I fell in love with. He asked me what it would take to be together, I said clearly NO OTHER WOMEN. He said ok. He said he wanted to grow old with me. He proposed to me. We moved in together, he built an expensive addition onto my house. We started planning our wedding. We got 2 puppies together. I felt secure and totally trusted him. Nine months of pure joy and bliss followed. I have never been happier. He was not secretive at all. All of his behavior was good and made me feel confident that we were settling down together. I had finally found the man I wanted to marry and that we were finished with the rough stuff. Again...I was very naive about ptsd at that time. As I was planning my wedding, his 18 yr old kid was planning to move here from Germany to attend college. I never knew this would be the start of the end of our relationship! I was so happy to have his child here and help him through college. Little did I know what was to come!
Two weeks prior to his kid moving here, his Ex Wife (who he had gotten along fine with the entire 1.5 yrs I had been with him then) decided to turn from a nice person to an evil jealous witch, & threatened my Man almost daily that she was going to sue him for 1/2 his retirement and all kinds of nasty things. He showed me all of her emails and text msgs because he and I were very close and in love, we were best friends. She continued to drill him for 2 weeks prior to the kid moving here. Then one day, Bruce and I were walking our puppies over to my brother's house for a nice dinner, usually a fun event for us...when he changed INSTANTLY from the nice, wonderful man he had been for 9 months to a mean JERK, and I mean JERK! And when I say instantly, I mean instantly! The stress from his Ex wife had sparked his ptsd, and boy that would lead to alot of emotional pain which would change my life forever. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
Of course, as luck would have it, his kid was arriving (another unforeseen major stressor!) here from Germany right after my fiance Bruce snapped and his ptsd triggered. Just great! We went from a blissful 1-1 relationship to a teenager living with us in a war-zone, and I was left scratching my head wondering how we had just gone from planning a wedding to living in HELL. To give time perspective, this was about 2 years ago from today. We went from joyfully planning our life together to him shutting me off emotionally and becoming verbally and emotionally abusive towards me (for the 1st time). If his Ex wife or his kid stressed him out, then he took it out on ME. I did not do anything to him, not one thing...yet I was getting a daily dose of his wrath. I think the real term for it is Uncontrolled PTSD.
I felt stuck, because he had just put alot of money into my house & he and his kid were living in my house. I didn't feel I could kick them out because of the investment. I also thought his ptsd would eventually get back under control, so I just walked on eggshells for a long time, thinking it would get better. It never did. Then my Mom was unexpectedly diagnosed with Stage 4 breast cancer, and this was devastating to ME. This was the 1st time I actually needed the focus to be on me and my family, not on him and his ptsd. I needed him to support and love me as I grieved over getting the news that my Mom likely would only live a few more months. When a tragedy like this hits, you will quickly prioritize relationships in your life. My fiance did his best to help me, but ultimately he was still extremely self-centered and mean. His verbal abuse led me to just go into my room and not talk to him when I came home from work each night. He took offense to that and started to become secretive again, and hiding the cell phone again! Yep, that's right! The nightmare that I thought was long over with was rearing it's ugly head again...at a time where I desperately needed someone to help me through the news about my Mom. Nope, he added to my trauma by making me re-live him cheating on me again. So everytime I left the house to care for my Mom I had to worry what he was doing. Talk about stress!
Six months after the diagnosis about my Mom, 1 year after his kid moved here and his ptsd/verbal abuse toward me, I had had enough. The final straw was him disappearing all night 2 times in 1 week. He walked in the house in the morning and when I asked where he was, his answer was "out". I said "that is not an acceptable answer", he said "I'll do whatever the F*** I want whenever the F*** I want to". That was it, I kicked him and his son out of my house. My dream was crushed. We were still seeing each other but were taking much needed space. I thought he just needed time to get his anger/ptsd under control. It was 6 months after this time that I got the call from a strange woman claiming that she just had a 6-month affair with him. This is the recent affair that I have already described.
So, in summary...after hearing my story...maybe you are glad your man did not get any more serious with you and instead kept you at a distance? That doesn't feel good either, but imagine having your dreams being built up so high just to have them destroyed in front of your eyes? Imagine coming home from work everyday to a house that you and he shared together, and it being a constant reminder. It is the hardest thing by far that I've ever dealt with. I am still grieving and in pain, and there is always that little voice that wonders if we could ever get back to the good place we were at before his kid moved here. But then reality hits me and I realize there will always be life stressers, and if this is how he deals with his stress (cheating and being mean), then FORGET IT. I never ever want to be in that situation again.
Like you Butterfly, I am exhausted and emotionally unavailable to a new guy. I've attempted to date recently and I literally have no interest. I'm 43 and not in the mood to start all over again, especially given what I just went through for the past 3.5 yrs. Maybe in a few more months I'll be ready...stay tuned! :giggle: The thought of living alone the rest of my life is not very pleasant either. I'm happy to say I'm at least feeling at peace and able to sleep through the night for the 1st time in a long long time. I look rested and my skin shows it.
Ok, let me tell you who "Art" is. Her real name was Amy...so what's up with the code name Art? Who knows! Anyways, she worked with him. I was not engaged yet, instead we were 'boyfriend/girlfriend". One night his coworkers made a plan to attend a Lobster Fest. He brought me. I felt so happy that he brought me as it made me feel special to meet his coworkers. We sat across from Amy and...get this...her fiance! She was engaged to someone! So of course, meeting his coworkers in this dynamic, I never thought I would have to worry about Amy trying to steal my man! But she did! She pursued him HARD. What a ho. To know that not only she was in a relationship, but that she had met me and was very nice to me...all the while she was figuring out how she was going to cheat with him behind my back and try to steal him away from me. I hate cheaters! Her plan backfired because she thought she was going to have a relationship with him and I'd be dumped but after using her for a short while, he dumped her like trash. He told her he loved me. She became a stalker for awhile and threatened to sue him at work. Another stresser! Wow, see how he creates the stuff in which he stresses about which cause his ptsd to go nuts which just seems to keep going in a circular cycle?
If I were in your shoes in that you are trying to separate yet still have to work with him and try to be friendly...that would be impossible if it were me. Maybe you are stronger than me, but it's hard to remove your emotions & feelings towards this guy if you love him. I think being around him on any level will make it hard for you to move on.
Bless you, my friend!:) The road is hard but will come out better on the other end.
