Relationship PTSD - The Impact On Relationships Continued

[Tinyflame]

Dear Nicolette-

-I agree as you said, above. As a "sufferer" I have lived (not having a clue why I felt the way I did) for many years being very afraid that I would cause pain to others (those I loved), and oftentimes did. I am learning now however, that I, as well as other sufferers and carers, didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it. However, that does not mean that I should (or can afford to) not take responsibilty for my actions. I think communication helps immensely, and concentrating on what role you yourself (not the other person) has to play in an interaction.

I know for myself personally that I have enough to work on to address in myself that I cannot in good conscience blame a carer for how I feel or react, or what they "don't understand". Heck- I don't understand it, most of the time! In fact, I know for myself I would prefer they don't walk on eggshells around me most of the time because the "real world" is like that out there, and I think I also feel as though I am being treated (and therefore am) more "normal" when they don't. It's up to me to learn how to live "here", not the carer in "my world". We need a bridge.

-(Don't get me wrong, it's a big challenge!) :eek:

But abuse is not acceptable for either party and it sends a very bad message.

I myself am very, very thankful when a carer can just be patient and/or accepting/kind and give me a chance to process my million and one thoughts and feelings - it always helps me to come around, and I think that some of us sufferers (unfortunately) cannot find the words to express the gratitude we feel when our carers do not over-react to us and forgive us - I know I certainly do. In fact, I can't really believe such kindness and I thank all carers from the bottom of my heart for being patient and loving towards "us". I know I can speak for myself that it may not appear so and I usually can't find a way to say it, but the support of carers keeps me going.

Thank you for being direct and helping us "sufferers" to understand.
:Hug_emoticon:

 

[Nicolette]

We need a bridge.

-(Don't get me wrong, it's a big challenge!) :eek:

But abuse is not acceptable for either party and it sends a very bad message.

Thanks Junebug. Its nice to hear from a sufferer. We do need a bridge and both sides needs to help build it. :rolleyes:

For clarification, I was not saying carers should abandon sufferers (as heck I stand by mine through thick and thin) but I am saying when a sufferer continually abuses a carer and shuts them out.......well, a carer has a responsibility to themselves in what they do and don't allow. Complaining about something gets you no where - there needs to be action.

 

[Tinyflame]

You are so very, very right.

 

[Frankie]

After being married for almost 30 years with a "healthy" man that was verbally abusive, rude...etc.. I FINALLY decided to divorce him...something I should have done way before. But being from the old school, I thought marriage was forever ! How naive I was !!

Having met my bf (now exbf) a sufferer with PTSD, which I still love more then anything, he never shut me off, never abusive, always caring and giving.....but left 2 months ago.

I know I would take him back....be his partner and help him cope with his PTSD....but would I accept bad behavior from him ? constant withdrawls ? verbal abuse ? over and over again ? And lose myself in the process like I did in my marriage ? NO !

I adore my exbf...still love him and miss him....but there are limits to what I will take ! And I can't and won't use PTSD as an excuse nor will I use love as a reason to stay if it means ruining my life and losing myself in the process.

Like Nicolette says

I was not saying carers should abandon sufferers (as heck I stand by mine through thick and thin)

I also would never think of abandonig him, if he ever would come back :) but ...I do have my limits !

And to be very honest, he truly, truly hurt me by leaving, more then I thought possible ! How many times would I be able to relive this pain?

 

[Nicolette]

That's right Frankie. We can all give and take but there are limits and you must enforce them for your own well being. Love on its own is just not enough.

Like others here I have done my time being in a relationship and putting up with abuse that I should never have allowed to happen. At times I even made excuses for it and tried to rationalise it in my head. Today, it's all different. I hold Anthony accountable at all times (even when sick with PTSD) for making sure he does not mistreat me. I accept he may be sick and for that I am sorry but its also not my fault nor should I carry the price for the illness.

At the end of the day, if we don't look after ourselves how can we ever expect others to?!

 

[Zaphara]

Nicolette,

It isn't that I am objecting to what you posted, its the fact that I am VERY new to these boards and didn't feel all that welcome when my purpose was to find some comfort from people who are experiencing the same thing as I am.

Like I said about my family or any other family, they see the carer hurting therefore they say things like leave him and move on with your life. This is something that you just can't do. And how much abuse you put up with is your choice. Setting boundaries is a great idea, because PTSD is an explanation it is not an excuse to be treated like crap. Good for you, you don't want to give people warm and fuzzy feelings for spilling their hearts out to you, its as simple as just not responding. We still love these people very much and that is something that just doesn't shut off the minute we walk away from them. If someone wants to come in here and find comfort several times a day, because of how they're feeling then so be it. Some days are good days and some are bad days. We never know from day to day how our sufferer will be. There is a lot to learn about this. And if at some point they don't have the will to fight for them anymore or the energy to be in the relationship, then it is up to them to end it.

You have a great, loving, happy relationship! Good for you. But, some people do not know the first thing about PTSD, the sufferer or being a carer. They make HUGE mistakes at the beginning and some never get it right. Sometimes we need to vent to make us feel better. And if venting on an open forum is what they wish to do then so be it. You don't have to respond to them, because as you said, you won't be any different than their families. But, there are some on here who will actually take the time to repeat themselves to the carers. Its called support. And it may take a month, a year or three years before they figure it all out, whether its a relationship worth saving or a relationship that they need to walk away from.

You and a few others may get sick of the complaints and the constant whining as you call it, but I for one don't. It makes me feel relief that I am not the only one out there going through this. I didn't take anything you wrote out of context. You simply don't like to see the same whining, the same questions that the carers have. We want our loved one back, the person we fell in love with is in there somewhere. And we have to ask questions and vent out how we're feeling to keep us from going completely insane. If anyone out there has it as rough as me, then his whole family is in denial including himself. Yes, he ignores texts, yes he ignores phone calls, yes he ignores emails. It happens. Its all done for a reason. And for that very reason, I just can't walk away from someone who has my heart and is the father of my child. I come here to get support on how to support him and how to deal with my feelings so I don't lash out at him. I come here to find ways to be more patient and understanding. Its difficult to swallow sometimes, but knowing that there are people experiencing the same things as I am, and coming into a forum where people have asked questions and had the same complaints over and over and over again, really makes me know that I am not alone. And it is such a relief. It really is.

Don't bother responding, because I won't be back to these forums. I have found two other forums where I can ask the same questions have the same complaints and they don't put up stickies to make people feel as if they're not worth your time and effort.

 

[Nicolette]

Zaphara....I agree with some of what you have written. You have however missed the purpose of this thread. If you want to post over and over on this forum saying the same thing then go ahead and I will not stop you. You can get support from anyone here if they wish to give it. But, in my world there is a difference from support and letting yourself wallow in a fruitless situation complaining about it. Short term it is normal and I would give you empthay but there has to come a point where what you think in your head and reality become one. In that I am saying if someone repeatedly ignores you for a long period of time, no matter what the reason, at some point you need to come to terms with "they are not demonstrating any desire to have you in their life". Saying what I am saying and living it are two different things....I know. I started this thread after observing a pattern. This is just one thread amongst a whole lot of them. If you decide this one thread or a few stickies makes you feel unwelcome well I am sorry you feel that way as it was not the intention.

 

[Frankie]

You are so right Nicolette, and I truly believe that some have missed the purpose of this thread ! It is not that you or anyone else don't want to offer support...but it is more like, you don't want to offer "false hope" and that we all have to realize that this is a very serious mental disorder that won't go away !

In reality, there comes a time in everyone's life, when we have to say to ourselves "enough, I have done everything I can, and I can't handle it anymore" !! Yes, we acknowledge that the person is sick, but will we stay and risk getting sick ourselves?

How long and how much can we take, if the person won't or can't change? or even won't make the efforts to change? Love can only go so far ! We can only love so much...but we have to also get something back in return ! And if we don't get something in return, love slowly fades away!

If our sufferer constantly shuts us off, constantly gets angry, abusive..doesn't want to stay with us, etc.....we shouldn't always excuse it ! There comes a time when we have to say to ourselves "he will never change, or get better"...Is this the way I want to live my life ?

 

[Nicolette]

Frankie you understand my point and if it helps only one person well then I am happy.

Anthony and I discussed this issue the other day. Some of what Zaphara was saying she was getting from other forums may be a form of enabling self pity rather than action to make life better.

 

[Frankie]

Again, I have to agree with you on this. Some will post only to get sympathy and pity. It seems harsh, but it is true.

It is too easy to complain and vent and want replies that go something like "I am so sorry for you, poor you, it must be so hard" or "you must be so strong and courageous, etc..."

The majority of us are not here to receive sympathy and pity but to get information, support, understanding, to know we are not alone in this situation,and to share thoughts and ideas. But the majority of us here will also accept the harsh and cruel reality.

This forum is a vehicle to share our good and bad moments and mostly to help improve our situations.

So when one of our replies seem harsh or seem as we don't want to understand....well, then it is really taken out of context.

I, for one, am truly happy that you have been able to create and maintain a great relationship ! It gives us hope and make us see that it can be done !

 

[lori763]

Hello,

I am new to this forum so I will introduce myself. I am a graduate student in mental health counseling - so I do not claim to be an expert but I have read a lot. I also suffered physical and emotional abusive in a 20+ year marriage (ended 5 years ago) - so I know all about "hanging in there" for all the wrong reasons (super carer).

I have gathered from the posts that there is a sense of responsibility that needs to be taken by the sufferer (and in some cases AKA the abuser). I can tell you that from my studies this is true. In order to change, a person must take responsibility and commit to change - or else it will never happen. With that said, I want to emphasize that I never said that change could be "willed" (with super will power) or that it would be easy (change never is and especially not for PTSD). The person needs to take responsibility for the steps taken forward (and back because it is a back and forth process).

When there is commitment to change, then the family members can be most beneficial in their support. Studies show that family members who are able to support these individuals will greatly help the person with PTSD.

The problem is that when a PTSD spiral of hell exists, the family is in extreme danger of getting secondary PTSD too. In this case, everyone gets worse.

So...... it goes back to the responsibility thing. You can only help someone who is willing and wants to be helped - even if that process is hard and there are set backs - these people will benefit from the support of a healthy carer (that means the carer definitely needs to attend to personal needs for stress relief, socialization etc.)

Hope this makes sense.

 

[mandyuno]

Nicollette

I understand what you are saying but it is hard for me to tell if its relevent to my situation. He was fine and virtually symptom free for the first year. He always treated me with love and respect... never would so much as raise his voice at me. He did have nightmares but no rage or uncaring was directed at me.

Now all of a sudden he snapped... says he loves me and its not my fault. Says he wants to do things on his own and not be in a relationship anymore. I know that our relationship was healthy and very symbiotic. He even admits that if he was going to be in a relationship it would certainly be with me.

Is it co-dependent to wait around until he gets his head on straight? He is attending therapy (although its at the VA :::BOOO:::) He has been diagnosed and recognizes his PTSD.