Sufferer Ptsd With A Young Daughter.

[Ellie]

Hi all.

This is my first post, so a bit nerve racking to write, as I've never written on a forum before, but everyone here looks very supportive so here goes!

I decided to join this forum as I have been struggling with complex PTSD for years, although symptoms only escalated to the point things became unbearable after the traumatic birth of my now 23 month old daughter.

I'm wondering several things. Firstly, are any of the rest of you mums/dads out there parenting and trying to cope with PTSD at the same time? At times it feels like an impossible task, and I get so anxious at times that my PTSD has an effect on my daughter. I don't have difficulties with anger so its not that I worry I'll hurt her physically, but when I'm suffering badly with symptoms then I often have to take a step back to calm down and feel better again, so that I can be more present with her. I feel terrible guilt around this as of course as my daughter she is completely reliant on me. I am fortunate enough to have a loving husband and dad, who is a huge help, but I often feel like PTSD has taken so many moments away from that bond I so desperately want to keep growing between my daughter and I. It's heartbreaking at times.

Secondly, does anybody else have extreme anxiety as a symptom? My PTSD mostly shows itself as severe, debilitating anxiety (my personal triggers are feelings of abandonment, trust, being rejected and feeling like I've done something to upset/anger someone). When its bad, as it is currently, I'm talking: constant hyperventilating, sweaty, heart racing, dry mouth feeling, ALL the day. Every day. From those few seconds after waking, to the last minutes before sleep at night... It's exhausting. At times, like today, I often don't know to keep going with it. As I'm sure you all know, its like being trapped in a miniature hell inside your brain 24/7. Not fun!

Anyway, I'm glad to say hello to everybody on here, and perhaps I'll have a chance to catch up with some of you at some point :)

Best wishes,

Ellie x

 

[Hope69]

HI Ellie, I raised 2 daughters as a single mom with PTSD. It was not ideal, but they are doing great. I can say, I wish I had more help. It would have been good for my kids to have other adults more active in their lives because even the best mom in the world can't to it all! So its OK to be overwhelmed and if you can step back that is great. In a sense, doing so models that self care is healthy.

 

[sedna]

Hi Ellie, welcome to the forum.

I had anxiety like that also and bad insomnia because of it. I believe that some of the intensity is genetic, some people are neurologically
wired to respond to extreme stress that way.

If its possible for you to manage, physical exercise helps enormously.It often feels like the last thing you want to do, but it will really help burn off the adrenaline and cortisol in your system and you'll feel better right away.

I raised kids with ptsd and it's hard when you think they know you cant connect with them. They feel the love you have whether you can be emotionally present in the moment or not, dont be too hard on yourself. Judging yourself too much over what you can manage day to day just makes the anxiety worse.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

Hi Eli - Welcome!

I'm not a parent, and so can't speak to that aspect of your post, but I am greatly heartened to hear that violence is not a part of your syndrome. You are keeping your daughter safe, and that's the most important job of any parent. Kudos for doing your best!

Regarding anxiety, yes, I have a lot of anxiety, although it doesn't flood me, most of the time, as you describe - but it did, once upon a time. Given good therapy and a lot of hard work on your end outside of therapy, this anxiety will become more tolerable as you learn and practice coping skills. Eventually, the anxiety will greatly diminish. So, for instance, years ago I needed Ativan to cope with my anxiety. Well, today, I had a serious anxiety attack and so I took an Ativan. I looked at the bottle and realized that, not only was the bottle filled over two years ago, but I still have almost thirty percent of the pills left! And then I realized that, the last time I took an Ativan was over a year ago when I went to the dentist!

So, there is plenty of hope that things will only continue to improve for you.

You said:

... I'm talking: constant hyperventilating, sweaty, heart racing, dry mouth feeling, ALL the day. Every day. From those few seconds after waking, to the last minutes before sleep at night... It's exhausting. At times, like today, I often don't know to keep going with it. As I'm sure you all know, its like being trapped in a miniature hell inside your brain 24/7.

I'd like you to consider trying something: Look for those moments when you are NOT in a 'miniature hell'. Keep a little notebook in your pocket and, every time you experience a pleasant moment, no matter how fleeting, jot down the day and time and what you were doing. This will help you realize that, although it seems that every moment is hell, it's not. Even at the worst of times, there are moments of pleasure. The problem is, the pain at other times is so bad - and we are so fearful of that pain - that we focus on it overly and so 'forget' those moments of pleasure.

As my therapist used to tell me when I was feeling content in the moment, "Remember what this feels like! Plant a memory so that, if you are ever distraught again, you can remind yourself that feelings come and go, and that 'this too, will pass'. No matter how terrible you might feel in any given moment, pleasure could very well be right around the corner."

It's true!

Ben

 

[EveHarrington]

Welcome! :)

 

[Sighs]

Hi there.

My dad has combat PTSD from a war before I was born. He self medicated with alcohol - didn't get any actual treatment until long after I'd grown up and left home. I still turned out alright. :confused:;)

 

[Ellie]

HI Ellie, I raised 2 daughters as a single mom with PTSD. It was not ideal, but they are doing great. I...

Hello Hope69, I think that's amazing that you brought up two young daughters whilst coping with PTSD as a single parent!

It gives me strength to know others out there have and are doing it too :)

 

[Ellie]

Hi Ellie, welcome to the forum.

I had anxiety like that also and bad insomnia because of it. I believe...

Hi coco9. Thank you for your post. That was so helpful to hear! I have been doing yoga which has been incredibly helpful. I skipped it this week as last week the class was overcrowded and it all got a bit too much for me. I regret that now as I always feel better after doing it!

Wonderful to hear that you too managed to bring up kids whilst coping with PTSD. I agree, you have to know when you've reached your limits and trust that they will be ok when you take a step back. I really struggle to do this, but always feel better after, and am able to be more present for my daughter afterwards :)

 

[Ellie]

Hi Eli - Welcome!

I'm not a parent, and so can't speak to that aspect of your post, but I am gr...

Hello Ben

Thank you for your kind post. I am glad to hear you are on top of your anxiety now, that's very encouraging to hear it can be done!

I am thankful to have a good therapist, though she has taken holiday for 3 weeks, which happened just as I was about to enter EMDR treatment with her. Very frustrating, and just after we moved house to a different city... such a build up of stress, so I know it will be better when things are more smooth again I hope.

I really like your idea of focusing on the good moments. It's SO EASY to catastrophize when you have PTSD, as I'm sure many people can relate to!

Thanks,

Ellie

 

[Ellie]

Welcome! :)

Thank you EveHarrington :)

 

[Ellie]

Hi there.

My dad has combat PTSD from a war before I was born. He self medicated with alcohol - didn't...

Hello Sighs

;) Glad to hear you turned out alright :)

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

Ellie, I'm very glad to hear you are going to start EMDR. I experienced dramatic improvement in the anxiety/fear department after only two EMDR sessions! Now, that's not entirely normal - I was lucky - but still....

There is plenty of hope out there for you. :)

Ben