Pulling Away from Friendships

[LeiaFlower]

I realized while visiting a friend that I’m no longer invested in friendships anymore. I still keep in contact with them more so out of obligation. But also it’s this mixing fear that if I stopped talking to everyone I’ll be alone; however, I have this strong desire to be alone. It’s contradicting. This feeling of wanting to push everyone away started after a former friend and I stopped talking. With that it’s hard not to blame myself. Out of fear of being called a toxic bad friend like how a previous poster was called I’m reluctant to explain what happened due to not wanting to be judged in a forum I’m slowly starting to feel safe in. Though even that is contradictory because I seek negative criticism towards myself to confirm that my inner critic is correct. But avoiding stating what happened is avoiding getting outside perspective that are not seen through a trauma lens. I don’t know. I guess I’m seeking acceptance. I am seeking for someone to understand me. I think that is why I’m pushing others away because I know if I get too close to them I’ll end up ruining things. And if I seek that same close affectionate and supportive relationship that I wanted from my former friend that it’ll just come across as toxic codependency clinginess manipulation and inconsideration. I just wish I had someone in my life who didn’t interpret everything I do as having a negative connotation. I just wish to be accepted.

 

[Friday]

Out of fear of being called a toxic bad friend like how a previous poster was called

That poster specifically asked if they were a toxic bad friend, & why. If you don’t want to know “Am I the asshole?” Don’t ask.

Ask instead, what you really want to know. Like how to repair a friendship, or how to stop beating yourself up for having been at fault in a failed relationship, or how to find clarity when you don’t know how much is reality -v- trauma effecting your relationships, or how to manage needing to isolate but wanting relationships, or how to seek close/affectionate/supportive relationships, without coming across as as toxic codependency/clinginess/manipulation and inconsideration.

 

[LeiaFlower]

That poster specifically asked if they were a toxic bad friend, & why.

okay

If you don’t want to know “Am I the asshole?” Don’t ask.

okay

Ask instead, what you really want to know. Like how to repair a friendship, or how to stop beating yourself up for having been at fault in a failed relationship, or how to find clarity when you don’t know how much is reality -v- trauma effecting your relationships, or how to manage needing to isolate but wanting relationships, or how to seek close/affectionate/supportive relationships, without coming across as as toxic codependency/clinginess/manipulation and inconsideration.

okay, thank you for your suggestions.

 

[Bamma]

okay

okay

okay, thank you for your suggestions.

Well, I can tell you one thing: You have the gift of diplomacy.

When I was young, someone once said to me, "You act like every asshole you meet is the first asshole you ever met." It still holds true for me today. I very much wish for you that you, unlike me, will learn to let things role off your back. When people behave aggressively, you are not the problem.

 

[Friday]

okay, thank you for your suggestions.

<grin> They were all pulled directly from the second half of your thread.

Just wasn’t in a headspace to answer any of them, whilst I was in a place to speak to the first half.

 

[brat17]

The self blame leads to your confirming your inner critic is correct. The other than that I often feel if Im sharing and standing up for myself, is that it sounds like I am blaming someone else....So for myself, I have learned to accept disputes and let unhealthy relationships be, just because I have found it counter productive to blame myself or other. Sometimes, friendships run their course. They are all a learning experience though. Something we can seek insight about, maybe critiquing self. Even when the blame is clearly not with ourselves, may tend to question self....leading to self blame. There are times when I may have been too needy in a friendship. I also seem to attract users as friends. Sometimes my boundaries have been weak and when I speak the truth to them, they may be sensitive and leads to an ending....or at least a distancing. Im not perfect, and I would rather be straight about who I am than be run over as well. If we are very sensitive and easily hurt, we are also easy to manipulate. Ah, and for me there lies my my situation often. Like you, I have pulled away a lot with friends. I need time to be more confident in what I want these days. I still care about my friendships, just dont expect too much. I care too much, and have listened to too much drama in my life, so Im liking the peace. If nothing resonates with you, just disregard post. I just know its not all black and white and nobody has to take the blame.

 

[LeiaFlower]

Well, I can tell you one thing: You have the gift of diplomacy.

May you explain this part? From what I searched it means “the art of dealing with people in a sensitive and effective way.” Though this is what I found I don’t want to assume what you meant.

When I was young, someone once said to me, "You act like every asshole you meet is the first asshole you ever met." It still holds true for me today. I very much wish for you that you, unlike me, will learn to let things role off your back. When people behave aggressively, you are not the problem.

Yeah, I say this as a good thing, but you sound like my mother with those last two sentences lol. Since my childhood she has slowly healed certain parts of how she deals with us, her kids, and is very empathetic. She’s the main supporter of our mental health and healing from the shit in our past, especially the parts that she caused. Anyways, she was there when my mentioned friend and I had our last rupture. Honestly she was there for every rupture. Where I self blamed for not only my part in things, but also my friend’s. I noticed that I have a tendency to put others above me even when they are the ones who hurt me, or the ones who act aggressively. My friend and I both caused the downfall of our relationship due to both of our traumas. Though if you ask me when I’m in a negative headspace I would put every issue on myself. “No, I deserved the silent treatment when she told me to do something that caused me to get sick. I deserved for my sexuality to talked about negatively. I deserved for them to laugh as my sibling talked to me aggressively and threatening. I deserved it all.” In this headspace, though I’m still at a low space, I can clearly see that its not the case. However, my familiarity in my fawning, acknowledges that when I’m in front of that person again or anyone else in my support system I lower myself. I say it was all my fault. Not for victim hood. But because I assume that’s what everyone thinks anyways.

This may be something obvious, but how do we take things with a grain of salt? Take the good and leave the rest. Basically, not allow others aggressive words and actions affect us.

 

[LeiaFlower]

<grin> They were all pulled directly from the second half of your thread.

Just wasn’t in a headspace to answer any of them, whilst I was in a place to speak to the first half.

Why? You have no obligation to answer them, but why did you speak to a few words though not address the rest of the post? I mean that in the sense of noticing the questions that could’ve been explicitly posed, but not tackling them. They have a greater value than the few words that you did speak to, though maybe you didn’t know the rest of the text had more value than a few words. I don’t know.

I understand not being in the headspace though, at times I do not have the mental energy to even speak to my support system. Most of time I simply say “Hey, I’m not mentally here right now. I want to give you my attention, so can we meet up a little later when I’m able to recharge.”

 

[SusanPLC]

I had a period of really intense dissociation which was made worse by being isolated in the pandemic as had been put in the CEV group so could not have anyone in house or go out. Unfortunately I’d also had a stroke in my sleep and not realised which made the brain fog even worse . when someone contacted me almost demanding I let them know how I was I was so confused and could not remember who they were. It ended via email with me saying I felt like I was been stalked by someone on the internet . Though I didn’t remember this at all until finding the email months later.
DID can be very hard on friendships . I had a period of switching a lot triggered by the wild swings of hormones going through peri-menopause too. Often some would see some people as ‘friends of the last host’ but not theirs and ignore messages or just leave a note for when the other alter eventually came back out to ‘answer text from so and so’
it’s been a very difficult and disorientating period, nothing was done with malice or ill intent but nevertheless we are seen as someone who ‘ghosted them’ thought they never stopped to question if we maybe ill considering erratic behaviour after being stable for years. (They didn’t know I had this as I wasn’t aware either)
Unfortunatley social media has made people quick to call people out for ghosting them and telling everyone before they have found out the true story and the isolation during the pandemic hasn’t helped either. I’ve read many stories of people losing friends due to the lockdown and isolation from friends etc.

 

[LeiaFlower]

The self blame leads to your confirming your inner critic is correct. The other than that I often feel if Im sharing and standing up for myself, is that it sounds like I am blaming someone else....

all of this is so ducking true for me. I’m so scared of making others feel the way that I do that most of the time I don’t stand up for myself. Then when I do say something and they respond aggressively or passively then I back peddle by saying a self defaming joke or something dehumanizing about myself.

So for myself, I have learned to accept disputes and let unhealthy relationships be, just because I have found it counter productive to blame myself or other. Sometimes, friendships run their course. They are all a learning experience though. Something we can seek insight about, maybe critiquing self. Even when the blame is clearly not with ourselves, may tend to question self....leading to self blame. There are times when I may have been too needy in a friendship. I also seem to attract users as friends. Sometimes my boundaries have been weak and when I speak the truth to them, they may be sensitive and leads to an ending....or at least a distancing. Im not perfect, and I would rather be straight about who I am than be run over as well. If we are very sensitive and easily hurt, we are also easy to manipulate. Ah, and for me there lies my my situation often. Like you, I have pulled away a lot with friends. I need time to be more confident in what I want these days. I still care about my friendships, just dont expect too much. I care too much, and have listened to too much drama in my life, so Im liking the peace. If nothing resonates with you, just disregard post. I just know its not all black and white and nobody has to take the blame.

No, everything resonates with me, thank you for sharing. The part about saying something and that person responding negatively, hits home. I might have mentioned this in another post but one of my friendships that did end was due to me stating that giving me an ultimatum to either get over my trauma quickly or lose them as friend wasn’t an empathic way to address things. They responded by ending things anyways. I too attract the wrong people. I attract people I form a trauma bond, at least the bond where we both connect over the same traumas, then they turn out to be aggressors. Maybe the red flags were every where to be found. I don’t know. I’m too fearful to dive back into those previous relationships at the moment.

lol, I think I said this before too, but I wish there was someone who can observe how I act and present myself in relationships so then I’ll know what I need to work on. I say someone with an unbiased eye because at times even I have blinders to the obvious, if that makes sense.

do you know where to start in growing confidence in relationship?

 

[LeiaFlower]

I had a period of really intense dissociation which was made worse by being isolated in the pandemic as had been put in the CEV group so could not have anyone in house or go out. Unfortunately I’d also had a stroke in my sleep and not realised which made the brain fog even worse . when someone contacted me almost demanding I let them know how I was I was so confused and could not remember who they were. It ended via email with me saying I felt like I was been stalked by someone on the internet . Though I didn’t remember this at all until finding the email months later.
DID can be very hard on friendships . I had a period of switching a lot triggered by the wild swings of hormones going through peri-menopause too. Often some would see some people as ‘friends of the last host’ but not theirs and ignore messages or just leave a note for when the other alter eventually came back out to ‘answer text from so and so’
it’s been a very difficult and disorientating period, nothing was done with malice or ill intent but nevertheless we are seen as someone who ‘ghosted them’ thought they never stopped to question if we maybe ill considering erratic behaviour after being stable for years. (They didn’t know I had this as I wasn’t aware either)
Unfortunatley social media has made people quick to call people out for ghosting them and telling everyone before they have found out the true story and the isolation during the pandemic hasn’t helped either. I’ve read many stories of people losing friends due to the lockdown and isolation from friends etc.

I only have dissociating and some derealization. I can’t imagine how DID might feel for you. To “wake up” so to speak, and parts of your life be thrown around, missing, or taken advantage of due to an alter taking over. DID can be very hard to live with at times, how have parts work been for you? If you don’t mind me asking.

 

[SusanPLC]

I only have dissociating and some derealization. I can’t imagine how DID might feel for you. To “wake up” so to speak, and parts of your life be thrown around, missing, or taken advantage of due to an alter taking over. DID can be very hard to live with at times, how have parts work been for you? If you don’t mind me asking.

it has been difficult through first half of peri..the host at the time was not aware of the others at all nobody had ever mentioned anything to us and there was no memory between different alters coming out.
there was a medical emergency where we needed adrenaline and was t going to be able to get it instantly (due to distance from hospital, time for ambulance to get to us..live rurally) it seems some part of the system decided to send everyone up front at the same time to trigger a natural adrenaline rush in the body ..it was hugely disorientating but we survived the severe allergic reaction we were having. After that all a,tears seemed aware of each other and for the next few years they all seemed to be intent on doing what they wanted!

took about 5 years to get everyone working together then we had a stroke and had to start again! … everyone seemed calmer though as suffered crippling chronic fatigue so basically everyone was too exhausted to argue or fight! ..plus we couldn’t do much physically. Actually it seems to have done us a favour as everyone came together to focus on recovery. ..some then just started to integrate to give a feeling of more strength to get through it. Mood swings have calmed down as get closer to reaching menopause. still have a couple who haven’t integrated yet but do-operation and communication is much better.