Pulling Away from Friendships

[Friday]

Why? You have no obligation to answer them, but why did you speak to a few words though not address the rest of the post? I mean that in the sense of noticing the questions that could’ve been explicitly posed, but not tackling them. They have a greater value than the few words that you did speak to, though maybe you didn’t know the rest of the text had more value than a few words. I don’t know.

Basically? Because I don’t know what someone else finds valuable.

You had a whoooole lotta questions layered with deep concern and emotion in your OP. It’s clearly an important topic to you. But? There was only one question/fear there that I had the headspace to touch on, so I picked that one. If there were 20 replies already? I probably would have said nothing. Or might have teased out this aspect, or shared about that aspect. Another day? It could have been a different question I had headspace for, or a different six, completely missing the one you most wanted answered. Just because there is no way to know, in a complex and layered subject, what any individual values the most. Nor what will help them the most. Or be challenging. Or useless. Or whatever. As reasonable people? Can & do differ. All I can do is share my own experience & opinion. Sometimes that’s helpful. Sometimes not. Depends on the person reading it.

 

[mamachick]

You asked if I know where to start growing confidence in a relationship, for me, it is the confidence in the relationship with myself is where I have begun. I got lost and way off track for years but am making my way back. For me, some balance in how much I am willing to invest in others with how much Im willing to invest in myself (which may be alone time, but more than just alone, its being with my pets, nurturing myself, exercise, meditation, cooking, anything I enjoy) So its being true to myself. I hold space for others. Im paying attention to how I feel around different people. Some people I feel calm around, some make me laugh, and then there or those others that are high strung and make me nervous and feel like pulling my eyes out. I have no obligation (I hold space in my heart-some are family), but avoid or limit time as its not good for my core. So, back to the confidence.....I am becoming more confident that I can handle whatever situation comes up. I have my own sense of what is appropriate and not, and willing to have expectations around that. Always knowing that we can agree to disagree, but intolerable to abusive attacks, manipulation, blame, etc. I will listen, digest, and admit when Im wrong, so any apology is sincere, but I wont apologize for being me.

 

[MnC]

I realized while visiting a friend that I’m no longer invested in friendships anymore. I still keep in contact with them more so out of obligation. But also it’s this mixing fear that if I stopped talking to everyone I’ll be alone; however, I have this strong desire to be alone. It’s contradicting. This feeling of wanting to push everyone away started after a former friend and I stopped talking. With that it’s hard not to blame myself. Out of fear of being called a toxic bad friend like how a previous poster was called I’m reluctant to explain what happened due to not wanting to be judged in a forum I’m slowly starting to feel safe in. Though even that is contradictory because I seek negative criticism towards myself to confirm that my inner critic is correct. But avoiding stating what happened is avoiding getting outside perspective that are not seen through a trauma lens. I don’t know. I guess I’m seeking acceptance. I am seeking for someone to understand me. I think that is why I’m pushing others away because I know if I get too close to them I’ll end up ruining things. And if I seek that same close affectionate and supportive relationship that I wanted from my former friend that it’ll just come across as toxic codependency clinginess manipulation and inconsideration. I just wish I had someone in my life who didn’t interpret everything I do as having a negative connotation. I just wish to be accepted.

The truth is we can't control what people think about us. I'm not saying that to make you feel better. I've tried doing that to myself. It doesn't help. But regardless it's still true. You could do everything right Leia, and still, someone just dislike you for no reason. You could be the kindest and someone still think "ah she's mean" "or meh she's fake". We have no control. Those lies and negativity can sting. Especially when you know the truth of your intentions. It's when we place so much on people's thoughts and words that we start looking at ourselves as less. We are not going to be found in people. Our identity, acceptance, it isn't going to be found in people. I commented on one of your other posts a while back and said I wouldn't be back on here but--I've learned some things about something I'm going through that sounds similar to yours and though I may still be struggling- I don't know-maybe some of this would help. I wanted to be accepted too. Find someone who gets me in the sea of strangers. Find "my people". Now we may find people that support us but they still can't fulfill us. I write poetry from time to time and I looked back at a poem of mine where I talked about wanting to be found or wanting this specific friend of mine to love me or notice me because I loved them. When I wrote that stuff it felt so "deep" or intense really. Now my love was real but the "feelings" intensified behind it, no. Built on nothing real or stable. Whether or not I received what I wanted it would have fallen through because people will fail us. I was trying to place my faith in people. So many of my friends I put on pedestals. Literally just a person like me. But I saw them as more or better. I looked back on thought...man how could I have written that? It was like I was in a different state of mind and maybe I was. I was so longing for people I neglected myself and the truth. I became an insecure shell of me. Who had no confidence in who she was or was made to be. I'm currently recovering and it's been long. We can't be found in people. and as much as we might want reciprocation--that is no promise nor reliable. We can still love people though. Accepting ourselves and that it's okay if I'm not accepted. It sounds easier said...I was the same one that commented about God and Jesus on one of your posts. I don't know if you've ever experienced any spiritual/church hurt before and if you have I am deeply sorry. As much as followers of Christ can try to walk like Jesus--people still make mistakes. Some people even say they follow Him...but...they don't. I'm not big on reading nowadays but this book "When People Are Bigger Than God" has some good things in it about people pleasing and codependency. I apologize if all of what I typed seems like a bunch of things jumbled up. I really hope things look better for you Leia. I do. And I love you. I've also separated from some of my friends for the time being. It's not been the most pleasant thing because of lack of understanding and growth in some areas but you're not alone. I hope even a smidge of what I said means something.

 

[LeiaFlower]

it has been difficult through first half of peri..the host at the time was not aware of the others at all nobody had ever mentioned anything to us and there was no memory between different alters coming out.

You say host, then later us, so is the host not currently in control? Or is there simply no one person that’s the main host.

there was a medical emergency where we needed adrenaline and was t going to be able to get it instantly (due to distance from hospital, time for ambulance to get to us..live rurally) it seems some part of the system decided to send everyone up front at the same time to trigger a natural adrenaline rush in the body ..it was hugely disorientating but we survived the severe allergic reaction we were having. After that all a,tears seemed aware of each other and for the next few years they all seemed to be intent on doing what they wanted!

That must’ve been frightening to process. First the feeling of possibly dying then to be flooded; however, due to the quick reaction you were able to survive. As well as make the other alters aware of each other.

took about 5 years to get everyone working together then we had a stroke and had to start again! … everyone seemed calmer though as suffered crippling chronic fatigue so basically everyone was too exhausted to argue or fight! ..plus we couldn’t do much physically. Actually it seems to have done us a favour as everyone came together to focus on recovery. ..some then just started to integrate to give a feeling of more strength to get through it. Mood swings have calmed down as get closer to reaching menopause. still have a couple who haven’t integrated yet but do-operation and communication is much better.

I’m happy to hear that all the alters were able to come together for recovery, though I’m sure it’s frustrating to have to deal with a physical illness on top of everything else. Thank you for taking the time to answer. Everything you said from your initial post relating your experience during the pandemic to the most recent pos has been helpful in me getting a better understanding of myself.

 

[LeiaFlower]

You asked if I know where to start growing confidence in a relationship, for me, it is the confidence in the relationship with myself is where I have begun. I got lost and way off track for years but am making my way back. For me, some balance in how much I am willing to invest in others with how much Im willing to invest in myself (which may be alone time, but more than just alone, its being with my pets, nurturing myself, exercise, meditation, cooking, anything I enjoy) So its being true to myself. I hold space for others.

It’s weird, how much time I spend with myself. I say this jokingly of course. But I agree that time spent with oneself can grow a sense of confidence in oneself. I think it’s the balance that I need. Though the close connection in a friend has currently been severe, I do have the conscious awareness that it won’t be forever. However, it doesn’t ease the loneliness and emptiness I feel. I do have other friends that I previously and even currently try to build a better bond with, though it feels more hallow. They all individually say they want closeness in the friendship, but even with those attempts I end up feeling more empty. I do enjoy spending time with them, it’s just overall feels like a surface level relationship. I’m happy you were able to find solace in yourself, thank you for expressing everything that helped you. I genuinely appreciate it.

The truth is we can't control what people think about us. I'm not saying that to make you feel better. I've tried doing that to myself. It doesn't help. But regardless it's still true. You could do everything right Leia, and still, someone just dislike you for no reason. You could be the kindest and someone still think "ah she's mean" "or meh she's fake". We have no control. Those lies and negativity can sting. Especially when you know the truth of your intentions. It's when we place so much on people's thoughts and words that we start looking at ourselves as less.

Having others words have such a hold on me, it’s something that I noticed, but I’ve been unsure how to control.

We are not going to be found in people. Our identity, acceptance, it isn't going to be found in people. I commented on one of your other posts a while back and said I wouldn't be back on here but--I've learned some things about something I'm going through that sounds similar to yours and though I may still be struggling- I don't know-maybe some of this would help. I wanted to be accepted too. Find someone who gets me in the sea of strangers. Find "my people". Now we may find people that support us but they still can't fulfill us. I write poetry from time to time and I looked back at a poem of mine where I talked about wanting to be found or wanting this specific friend of mine to love me or notice me because I loved them. When I wrote that stuff it felt so "deep" or intense really. Now my love was real but the "feelings" intensified behind it, no. Built on nothing real or stable. Whether or not I received what I wanted it would have fallen through because people will fail us. I was trying to place my faith in people. So many of my friends I put on pedestals. Literally just a person like me. But I saw them as more or better. I looked back on thought...man how could I have written that? It was like I was in a different state of mind and maybe I was. I was so longing for people I neglected myself and the truth. I became an insecure shell of me. Who had no confidence in who she was or was made to be. I'm currently recovering and it's been long. We can't be found in people. and as much as we might want reciprocation--that is no promise nor reliable. We can still love people though. Accepting ourselves and that it's okay if I'm not accepted. It sounds easier said

I resonate with all of this. I literally wrote something similar when I was younger, about longing for a friend who wouldn’t abandon me. Stepping back and evaluating how unhealthy my previous friendship was is surreal. The times I feel “lucid” I’m able to accept the imperfection of others. Instead of this pedestal I frame them in. Somone recently mentioned how with an unhealthy relationship you hit a point where it brings out the worst qualities of yourself but also of the other person as well. My inner critic only saw what was wrong on my end. But in all honestly my friend was a real *ick some times. Doesn’t mean they themselves or a bad person. It just really was an unhealthy relationship. The thing that scares me the most on whether or not I caused the relationship to go unhealthy. . . if I did how do I prevent this? How do I stop ruining things?

...I was the same one that commented about God and Jesus on one of your posts. I don't know if you've ever experienced any spiritual/church hurt before and if you have I am deeply sorry. As much as followers of Christ can try to walk like Jesus--people still make mistakes. Some people even say they follow Him...but...they don't. I'm not big on reading nowadays but this book "When People Are Bigger Than God" has some good things in it about people pleasing and codependency. I apologize if all of what I typed seems like a bunch of things jumbled up. I really hope things look better for you Leia. I do. And I love you. I've also separated from some of my friends for the time being. It's not been the most pleasant thing because of lack of understanding and growth in some areas but you're not alone. I hope even a smidge of what I said means something.

I not an organized religion person anymore, but I do search for some form of spirituality. I don’ think I personally believe in a God, let alone it being Jesus, Allah, Jehovah, or Yahweh. For me personally none of them sounded very connecting. However, I do agree in the sense of having something bigger than oneself to help separate the fawning and codependency. A lot of what you said means something, thank you for your reply :)