Punishment Of Self

[Hope4Now]

I think one strong belief I have is: it's my fault.

@Justmehere I was just writing in my diary here and in more detail in my paper and pencil journal about my drive to self-punishment...which has been extremely active lately after I managed to shut it off for a long time. It is awful and I empathize. A major part of me that contributes to it is the "I am to blame for everything" core belief that I don't even think I was aware I had until fairly recently.

I wonder how many things that we do are forms of self punishment that we are not even aware of.

Yes. Many, many, many in my case. Mostly silent and insidious inner voices that torture me on a regular basis. Not "real" voices...just parts of myself being particularly nasty.

You may want to look into IFST (inter family systems therapy) because it will get at the root of your feelings behind self punishment.

This is the therapy that I am doing. Oddly enough, this self-punishment thing was THE focus of my very intense session today. It is powerful therapy...As my therapist continues to remind me, I am still in the very beginning stages of it, but it has already helped me in a lot of ways.

 

[Teasel]

I am struggling with this since my partner became really abusive again lately.

I'm also very isolated and fearful.

My T thinka I'm punishing myself for him treating me so badly - taking out on myself the anger 8 should feel at him. I guess that would be like self blame?

 

[Suzetig]

It may be a form of self blame or possibly self loathing. That urge to punish our self can come from a number of places - I know for me it's deeply attached to feelings of shame ie that my very being is shameful and I need to be punished, I then feel shameful about how I treat myself, feel I need to be punished; lather, rinse, repeat.

It's an awful pattern and one I can barely even touch in therapy even now.

 

[Teasel]

for me it's deeply attached to feelings of shame ie that my very being is shameful and I need to be punished

Thankyou @Suzetig

I found it very helpful to think about this this week.

I have been having powerful dreams full of shame, shameful situations etc

And I think too self blame feels right, as a kid it was the only way to have a feeling of any power...

Had a truly awful week, feeling a good bit calmer just now
thanks

 

[Suzetig]

I'm sorry it's been a horrible week - I know how it is to get caught in the shame "thing", if I find a way out I'll leave a trail for you to follow.

 

[Stickler]

@Berlinda i am glad you bumped this thread...I punished myself a lot for my ex-wife going off on me.

Looking back on it, I have a chronic pattern of self injury when people I care about lash out at me.

 

[Teasel]

@Berlinda
I have a chronic pattern of self injury when people I care about lash out at me.

I am sorry you do this too @Stickler But I think you've hit the nail on the head for why this has been such a huge issue for me lately.

Abandonment!

People I thought were friends turned out spectacularly not to be

Recently had terrible trouble with a mobbing situation

Had such a terribly fearful time, reminds me of being a kid. For around 6 years there wasn't a single person with a kind word for me. Was absolutely terrifying. Scapegoated at home, bullied at school.

Poor kid....

And then to top it off my therapy was due to end and my partner ramped up the abuse....

Recently had a nice phone call from someone I think is genuine, just that little bit of acceptance from another human being has been enough to switch off the self punishing behaviour.

Actually got some tears for that kid just now.

 

[Tinyflame]

((((((((((((((( @Berlinda )))))))))))))))

 

[Brenton]

Tomorrow is the anniversary if multiple traumas. (They just kept happening on the same date.) I ran...

I do, almost exactly where you're at. I turn my pain inward, because I can't put it where it belongs, and I get panicky too, like I'm going to freak out.
Like your T said, this is learned behavior, something the people that hurt us, somehow get us to believe is right. Don't hurt yourself over other people's cruelty. We should be the last people abusing us - but I completely empathize and fully understand what you're feeling, and it is hard to just not do it, way harder than people think.
Keep your chin up - Brenton