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Purposefully Triggering Myself

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EmmaDancing

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Constantly, I feel the need to remind myself of the trauma by reading books or watching tv shows that I know will trigger me. I know that it hurts to watch, but I can't stop. It seems like I'm obligated to, like I have to.
I don't know why I feel this way, I don't know why I continually make myself feel even more scared than I usually do.
Has anybody else experienced this?
 
when we've lived with this trauma for a long time, it becomes familiar and we develop a sort of comfort with living with it. than we try and change our lifestyles and become happy, loved, loving etc. and we enter into unfamiliar territory. We become uncomfortable and seek to become comfortable again and return to the pain of our trauma, because it is familiar and comfortable. the trick is to keep bringing yourself back to that new unfamiliar territory until it becomes familiar and comfortable and the returning back to our trauma will be less comforting.

or at least this is the way it is with me.
 
I do it too. I think it is also to do with depression. I also daydream about my abusers on purpose, read books related to abuse and death, both autobiographies and text books.

Maybe It's possible it's not such a bad thing to do. Maybe it is like exposure therapy and the triggering gets less and less with each exposure. Mine has. Except for direct re-exposure to my family, that triggered me big time.
 
I do this a fair bit too, though sometimes I can completely ignore and avoid such things. I sometimes wonder if it's more about hoping to understand or be understood or feeling like I'm not alone rather than wanting to be triggered. I still watch Law and Order SVU - I know it's not real, and I know it's the last show on earth I should be watching but I'm still drawn to it. Similarly, I can't seem to help but click on newspaper articles that I know I shouldn't read. We have a lot of stuff in our papers here in Australia at the moment on CSA and DV and I seem to be reading it all (including some articles with comments sections which seriously make you despise humanity)! I also like @Flossy 's exposure therapy theory - I could see that as being part the reason too.
 
@Flossy I agree; it probably has something to do with depression. I do the same things you've mentioned; and I hope you're right that maybe it's not such a bad thing.

@Jigsaw Puzzle that makes a lot of sense, especially with where I am now. Thank you for that, greatly. You worded it very well.

I guess for me it's kind of like because I'm not being abused right now, I need to make myself relive it as some weird penance or because it's what I deserve; I honestly have no idea.
 
Holy crap @LF1 thats exactly what I was talking about; law and order svu. I can't stay away from it even though it is so triggering; I sit there thinking, why am I going this to myself, why, why.
what you said about understanding and needing to be understood and not feeling alone - I think that's s huge part of it. It triggers me, yes, but in a way, it kind of validates me, because I can see myself in characters or new articles and I can try to understand those characters, and maybe if I do it's a step closer to understanding myself.
Wow you have given me a lot to think about and I feel so received that I am not alone in this. I thought my fascination with stuff like law and order svu was sick and twisted and showed what a terrible person I was...but I'm kinda rethinking that. Thank you.
 
It triggers me, yes, but in a way, it kind of validates me, because I can see myself in characters or new articles and I can try to understand those characters, and maybe if I do it's a step closer to understanding myself
Yep this is what it is for me too I think. And I'm so glad you started this thread because I've been thinking about it lately but haven't been able to articulate it. My T has been asking me what TV shows I watch and I think it's just small talk to try and get me talking about anything but I've been avoiding giving a straight answer. It feels so wrong to be drawn to watching and reading this stuff, especially when we've already lived it and should want to get miles away from it! Maybe it's not so crazy though, maybe it's just another way we've found to try and cope and deal and find a way through stuff.
 
WOW!! I can't watch that show (Law& Order SVU)... at all. I start hyperventilating and tense up readying for danger to leap out of nowhere and all safe reality leaves. That show is nothing BUT triggers. Yet, sometimes once in a blue moon (out of morbid curiosity?), I try, thinking that I can best my own responses... try to endure it and casually watch it like a 'normal' person. I've never seen the end an episode yet.
 
Constantly, I feel the need to remind myself of the trauma by reading books or watching tv shows tha...
Yeah, I do it because it sometimes makes me feel more if I'm having a long period of disassociation. In fact most of the things I watch or read relate to sudden loss and violence. My friend who served in Afghanistan also tends to drink and watch documentaries or footage of the war to feel and process what he expierienced. Think it's pretty normal
 
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