Relationship Pushed Again

[NovemberStar]

I imagine it might be to do with the intensity you have about her. Just a guess. You really do need to give her space, regardless of how 'hard' it is for you - because its not about you - it's about allowing her the space she NEEDS, regardless of how upset YOU feel.

 

[Seaotter]

My sufferer is the same - he looks like the king of the world at our mutual activity, but he is shut-off from only me. My therapist says it's because I'm the closest and he doesn't want me to see him weak (not that it is) and it's just extra stress. He doesn't want to worry me and in my case I'm his trigger because I care. Friends that have been around a long time are safe.

I just posted three articles that may be of some help on attachment, acoa ptsd and drama triangle.

 

[Powder]

I don't know that I can offer anything super helpful because I just don't feel that I can understand well enough to know what to think or write about this.

I do know that it could actually be your love, the actual love, that is triggering to her. You know?

Is it just me, or have others seen on this forum that it's fine for people with PTSD to be in casual and sort of romantic relationships as a sort of psudo-intimacy and diversion from PTSD. Relationships that help sufferers to distract themselves from real feelings can be a way to cope.

Then, suddenly, real love happens. When this happened to me, I felt lost and afraid. Confronted with love, something I always needed but always received with abuse attached to it...Well, I had to push it away!

The fact is, I think sufferers need love like good medicine that is hard to tolerate for years. I pushed and pushed my H. away. It causes me pain to admit that I hurt him deliberately. I thought we'd both be better off apart. I felt I was no good for him. I didn't realize I was toying with men's feelings, because really, I was walking on eggshells around my own my whole life. I didn't like this about me, but didn't know how to tolerate love or any emotion.

Maybe the trick is to keep things in the middle, not too hot or cold, and to hold on.

It took me ten years of marriage to get past the hang ups, mostly. I still have them. I am much better now and don't take everything so personally and don't make life so hard on my wonderful man. I am so glad that when I pushed him away, even though it hurt him (and me) he didn't give up on me, not for one minute. He stayed and took it. He passed every test. Love won.

 

[tsadlerj]

That makes a lot of sense @Muse Thanks for your input

 

[Powder]

I don't think you are doing anything "wrong." It may be that you are the first to be "right" and that's going to be a huge adjustment to her. I feel for both of you. I don't think she wants to hurt you at all. Love is painful to her; it's like staring into the sun.

 

[tsadlerj]

Before she started therapy she warned me that things would get worse beforethey got better. It seems as though she was right. It probably doesnt help that when she sees her therapist on Friday it will be her first session in about 3 weeks. So if we knew it was going to get worse before it got better then it seems pretty silly to give up now considering she warned me this would happen

 

[Snowangel1225]

There is a difference between giving up and stepping back.

 

[joeygn72]

I am in a committed relationship and about to get married in November. I have been suffering more lately and have had suicidal issues lately. I also think my fiancé deserves better than what i have to offer. I know it's difficult for her when I am in the middle of dissociative episodes. She is trying to accept the fact that theres nothing she can do but 'step back' and let it run it's course.

As a sufferer I can tell you that my fiancé has tried to help but the strain of dealing with my disorders and maintain a relationship is too much and she now recognizes that in her effort to even soothe me is unproductive. I had a friend in N.A. that always said " You can love someone to death"... The sufferer/ supporter dynamic is a confusing one. Its difficult at best and takes time and work.

 

[joeygn72]

Maybe you are right @Snowangel1225 . Maybe she isn't ready. Maybe I'm not ready. But love doesn't care whether or not you are ready. Mind you I didn't rush into this relationship. I rushed into dating when my ex and I split up, but this relationship came probably at the perfect time.

Perfect for who??

As a person who suffers and is in the middle of suffering I am very sensitive to others who are suffering. I will attempt to not be offensive or insensitive BUT it seems to me you are trying to make this work regardless of what is outside of your own circumstance. I hear a lot of this is how this is affecting me and how this is making me feel and not a lot of how can I handle this to better her situation...

 

[NovemberStar]

@joegyn72 - your post summarizes what I nearly always think when reading about relationship difficulties on these forums - I just cannot comprehend it when people enter relationships while in the midst of PTSD - personally I find it is a full time job just trying to manage myself and my trauma, much least have the time, energy and mental or emotional stamina to tend to anyone else in an intimate relationship. I would think the first and foremost most important thing anyone with PTSD can do in the early stages and / or when symptoms are really full on, is to focus on getting better, period. But that might be just the way I see it.