Pushing down the anger

[misswonderland]

I'm not sure this is even the right forum part for this.

It comes up in therapy and I know it also. I push down my anger at all times and never let it out. I'm like a pressure cooker. I learned this during my abusive childhood. Don't show emotion as self preservation. I'm 26 now and still can't express anger. My therapist has tried having me throw tomatoes at something. Nothing seems to work. I feel like I'm a little kid half the time because I can't get out of my old patterns. I just don't know what else to do and my anger just ends up making me severely depressed.

 

[MyWillow]

I’m hearing ya. Add 20 years though ;)

My t suggested writing. I picked up a pen and it was like a brick wall. Picked up a thick black marker pen, wrote for an hour, burnt it all, cried. I was so shocked. Not ready to try that again until other things are under better control. I couldn’t believe what a difference a writing implement could make.

 

[Abstract]

Hi!
I had a real problem with anger - the absence and inability to express it - and its still a tendency of mine that I have to watch. I tend to approach things very analytically so once I actually accepted that this wasn't good for me I attacked it from a whole lot of different directions. I not only couldn't let it out but totally separated it from myself and had no ownership of it.

It apparently usually comes from a few possible things. One is self preservation if the child perceives anger as putting them in potential danger. Two if it potentially means the caregivers are less likely to look after the child's survival. Three is if the child identifies anger and its expression as bad usually because of being exposed to negative examples of expressions of anger.

Helpful for me was truly understanding the science and positive role of anger. What healthy and unhealthy expressions of anger are. Learning how to identify anger from physical and emotional signals. Experimenting expressing it in therapy as a contained place to do so. Accepting that it goes somewhere and if its being swallowed is like swallowing poison. Accepting that I was expressing a lot of anger but only at myself.

I still don't really ever loose my temper but I am so different and will say its something that has changed my life and helped me be less triggered by others expressions of overt anger. A processing of sorts. If you haven't read it you might like to read Pete Walkers Four F's article too.

What do you think will happen if you loose your temper?

 

[misswonderland]

I'm worried it wouldn't end. Like just a flood of anger. I can't get past the self preservation of not being angry so I don't get in trouble and get in more danger. Logically I know I'm allowed to be angry and that I can't "get in trouble" but I can't get past it. It just sits in my chest it feels like.

 

[Abstract]

I definitely had both of those and still have them to a lessor extent. When I first did it I had such terrible fear and backlash after and terrible symptoms. But then it started to calm eventually and it was like a light had been switched on in revelation as the world didn't in fact end. If you have a good t then that is probably a good start point rather than the trauma stuff. Just my opinion. I think its hard to express that type of anger when you haven't yet dealt with your relationship with anger in general. Or for me anyway.

 

[Supervixn]

I've experienced both severe suppression of anger and severe expression of anger. I'm happier now that I can actually connect to my anger instead of denying it and suffocating it, but I am nowhere near appropriate in my expression or experience. Somedays I really have to fight to not let it consume me. It's something I am working on.

During the suppression days, I felt very much how you described. Like being angry was some sort of criminal offense and I had no right to it. I'm honestly so happy that I'm past that point now, even though I'm not where I need to be. I had to get in a different mindset to be able to connect with my anger instead of stuffing it down and utilizing self injury as a method of releasing it. I didn't get to that breakthrough point in therapy, instead, I endured some really awful things a few years ago that provoked some deep things in me and somewhere inside of me said: "F$#k it Im not taking this s#!t anymore, people are going to KNOW when they hurt me because I'm taking my power back and ending (whatever made me angry) right now!". My anger swings to the point of overreaction at times, but honestly it feels better than completely repressing it. I'm not physically destructive and always apologize when I've done someone wrong or been hurtful without cause.

Everything will be okay. Your mind has responded how it's meant to respond when traumatized. Every traumatized person is going to require inner work and healing. Don't be discouraged.

It might be time to find a better therapist and focus on creating the environment neccessary to support healing this. If you can't connect to your anger its because it doesnt feel safe or "just" to you right now. That's ok, just work on fixing that belief. You're entitled as a human being to a full range of emotion. Just keep doing your best and trust the process. I know sometimes it seems like you'll never get there, but you will. And it will take as short or as long as it needs to, so in the meantime, love yourself, show yourself compassion, and let the child in you feel the fullest range of emotion she needs to (even if it's just writing things down, which is an EXCELLENT suggestion!). You'll have to parent that inner child but you need safety and a good support system for the best results. Otherwise she will just keep hiding and running away from the anger.

Good luck to you. We know how you feel and you're never alone. Lean on this community for support and encouragement and never ever give up!

 

[EveHarrington]

Hugs.

Just want to lend support even though I don’t have any advice.

 

[Sideways]

Anger is a lot like anxiety in the way it has such a physical presence in our body. And just to get a bit of relief from those physical symptoms? Go to the same types of exercise that you ordinarily use: anything from yoga, walking, running, swimming, rock climbing, tai chi, dancing. Doesn’t really matter.

A lot of Ts used to recommend things like throwing stuff or hitting a pillow. But when you get in touch with your anger (and you will, it will happen for you), it helps to already have in place strategies that you use to manage and shift your anger in healthy and constructive ways. Because when you do finally get really angry on your own behalf? You reeeeally aren’t going to want to turn to hitting stuff!!

The “angry on your own behalf” was the key element for me personally. I really struggled to get angry for a long time, still do. But it’s not all anger. If I come across someone hitting their kid in front of me? Beating their dog in front of me? Rage! Instant rage!

So, there may be things like that which do make you angry???? Try and notice when that happens: notice “hey that just made me angry”, how it feels in your body, and how it decreases with time and distance naturally like any other emotion. That will start to help reassure your brain that anger isn’t such a foreign concept, and that it’s actually an emotion which you can manage quite well. That might help make anger something more safe.

That’s where you start. That’s legitimate anger. Getting angry about stuff on your own behalf? Getting angry when people treat you like rubbish for example? Much harder, because you have to have some concept that you didn’t deserve that, that you’re worth being treated with respect. That stuff was really hard for me. I had to shift some of those beliefs a little before I started to get angry on my own behalf.