Putting All The Pieces Back To A Story

[zaniara]

How brave you are to write all that and dealing with the feelings in it all! And I'm so glad that you have your partner, since I really wish you all the support you can get(and hugs and being held are powerful stuff!)! I get so angry with the injustice done to you, and it was NOT your fault in any way. And he's so very sick! I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. (trying to find my words. but I think Whitney said them all.. ;) ) A warm hug!

 

[snappy_turtle]

He invalidated your friendship. He invalidated you as a human being. He invalidated your body, mind and soul. He invalidated you by luring you to the apartment. He invalidated you by telling his lies to your friends.

@Whitneys story: I need to print this out and stick it on my fridge at home. You are completely right in presenting me with an alternate situation I had not considered: yes, it does not blur lines just because he was a friend before - what he did is the same as if any stranger would have, and I should remember that.

"Protect me from my friends, I can protect myself from my enemy's". I have found this so true in life, it was a hard lesson; however the most valuable.

@Whitneys story another wise line I have to remind myself. Your wisdom is quite enlightening. :hug: Thank you for opening my eyes and for your kind and supportive words.

And I'm so glad that you have your partner, since I really wish you all the support you can get(and hugs and being held are powerful stuff!)!

I am also very grateful that I have my partner through all of this. My biggest fear was that since he and I hadn't really developed a sound relationship when this happened that he would leave me on the side of the road like hazardous material because before I wasn't broken and then all of a sudden I was. But he stuck around, and he helped me, and we grew closer because of it all.

I get so angry with the injustice done to you, and it was NOT your fault in any way.

Thanks, Zaniara, for your compassion. Please don't let this trigger you, as I would hate myself for causing anyone else grief over what has happened to me. :hug: Warm hugs to you @zaniara and @Whitneys story. A warm hug to you @presentjoy for your encouraging words earlier for me to keep writing. I have a bit more to add to this trauma diary: mainly about the repercussions it all caused. I will add it another day as it already took a lot out of me to bring all this back up to the surface of my mind's eye again and put it all back together.

 

[zaniara]

Thanks, Zaniara, for your compassion. Please don't let this trigger you, as I would hate myself for causing anyone else grief over what has happened to me. :hug:

Don't worry! I'm not reading stuff when I'm not coping with it. Getting upset isn't always unhealthy, but a sign that we have a heart that is functioning. I didn't feel triggered by what you wrote, I only felt that you're so brave to share it and I recognize some parts of it too.(Not being as brave as you are: not coping with writing about the thing I've been working with in therapy right now.) I hope you had a good day, and that you're gentle with your self. :hug:

 

[ms spock]

Be kind and compassionate with yourself snappy turtle. It is good to see you writing in your journal and the good feedback that you are getting from other forum members. There is a lot of wisdom in their words.

 

[snappy_turtle]

@Ms Spock thank you for your encouragement to keep writing earlier, and your kind words to remind me that though I may feel hopeless at times, there is a lot of advice out there that can be offered to help me but I won't know until I write it out and share it with those who would understand. :)

I'm extremely grateful for all your support. Warm hugs to you, Ms Spock!

 

[snappy_turtle]

My pre-birthday depression is starting to set in, as per usual. Today I just want to disappear - to go home and lay in bed. Everything feels so demanding when it's no more demanding than usual. The world just feels like it's hitting me with a sturdier bat than the everyday battering I get.

I think I'm going to go home and drink away my discomfort. Let the hermit-like behavior begin again as it usually does.

 

[ms spock]

Snappy Turtle far from it from me to say sit with stuff and deal with. (Yes I am the all time high jump champion in avoidance, dissociation, derealisation, depersonalisation and basically wimping it out.)

So despite having just mildy growing skills in sitting and dealing with things I won't hold back from throwing my self in to make a few comments. How about you spend half an hour writing here about your pre birthday depression so you can start preparing for next year? Write it out. Get it out and then see what people come and say and comment. It might be helpful.

Yes me giving advice is hilarious and I hope you take it with the kindness that it is meant.

If this is beyond you today then please just think that ms spock does care even if she doesn't always get it.

 

[Whitneys story]

:hug: I really like Ms Spocks suggestion! I have been really missing you.

I am the queen of setting myself up regarding dates! I wonder if you wrote your accomplishment's of the past year, instead of what you thought you wanted. Would you feel the same? So often I am not realistic in my planning.

It has been a tough year but you have surpassed in many ways. And that is what does matter. Please try not to be to hard on yourself. :) Whitney

 

[snappy_turtle]

The two of you are right in that I ought to take the time out to write it out instead of suppressing it. And I shall....

I met with my therapist, as it's my once a month appointment with her, and I brought up the point of how I'm sad because during this time of year I always reflect on the year before and each year I feel like I don't really have much. I brainstormed with her regarding this behavior of mine - I informed her that it's not that I am unaware of the things I have accomplished but that I don't feel anything when I list them out or recall the things I've done. It's because I suppress my ability to enjoy my accomplishments so as not to attract any sort of attention from others, good or bad. Most people will suggest that I'm unappreciative or ungrateful of the things I have in my life, but in actuality, it's not that at all. I am extremely grateful to have been given the opportunity to do the things I have and to have earned the things I've earned, but that I wish I would just let myself enjoy these feelings of accomplishments without a concern of how others will view me if they know what I've done.

Over the holidays when I was down south visiting my folks, my family staged a sort of intervention for me, telling me that I need to be more confident and courageous - that the longer I put myself down, the more likely others will continue to put me down, too. After discussing with my therapist today, she said it's not my attitude that portrays a lack of courage and confidence, but that it's my language that portrays it.

I don't know. The more I think about it and the conversation I had this morning with my therapist, the more I just feel like I need to hide from everyone and just dedicate some time to myself to figure it all out. I just feel like I'm getting lost in my train of thought and that my thoughts aren't very coherent even to me right now.
The entire discussion today mirrored one of the first conversations I had with my therapist immediately following my rape trauma - about following my gut and learning to trust it. I know that I've been doing that but I don't feel like I've made enough progress. If I'm still talking about the same thing that I need to fix in myself a year and a half after it caused me so much pain, then I don't feel like I've really even learned my lesson from the trauma.

My thoughts about this are, "well sure, you've recognized an issue, but what the heck are you doing to fix it? how on Earth can you fix that? and why are you spending so much time talking about fixing it rather than just going ahead and fixing it? It's like bushing around the block instead of taking action".

Something else interesting that was mentioned today was that I've spent a VERY large majority of my life focusing on damage control in every regard. Even prior to my trauma. My life has been swallowed up by damage control - so much that I haven't even let myself take the opportunity to enjoy the ride and smell the roses - and every birthday has been me realizing that time has gone by and I have yet to notice or feel the time passing other than the obvious markers like birthdays and anniversaries etc.

I'm confused, and frustrated with my head and heart right now. Maybe these are just growing pains - who knew growing up was such hard introspective work. :(

 

[ms spock]

Keep Writing snappy turtle. It is good to read you. Some interesting insights there.

 

[snappy_turtle]

Before I lose my train of thought, I want to write about my sense of growth today.

I began to make an active effort to really take risks in following my gut rather than always letting logic dictate my actions lately. It's supposed to increase my feeling of self-worth because it forces me to put myself out there rather than me putting myself in a corner to avoid any attention good or bad. Hiding has made me lack confidence in myself and my decisions over the years and it will serve as a detriment to the furthering of my career and lifestyle, as my therapist and I discussed.

Today, I did some meditation and reflection to a time not too long ago…in fact it was only a month ago! How I was essentially letting my anger and rage dictate my necessity to hide from running into somebody that I was wronged by multiple times and humiliated by on several occasions. I thought I was standing up for myself and protecting myself by refusing to put myself in a situation where I might perchance run into this individual. Today, however, I thought "why on earth was I so upset about the possibility of seeing this person. Sure, I don't WANT to see this person, but let's give me a little more credit here, I can control my emotions and behavior better than I give myself credit for, and I know that! What's the worst this person could do to me? I don't give a rats ass if I see them or not!"

This feeling of strength and courage stood out in me for the first time in my life and I felt more impenetrable than I have since my trauma. I'm not sure if my reaction and mentality regarding this is a sign that I'm more empowered now, or that I have just let it go (how this person has wronged me…and by no means does letting it go mean that I've forgiven this individual for what they've said/done), but rather something else. I can't put my finger on what it means if I say I've let it go. More contemplation is necessary...

 

[snappy_turtle]

My gut has been guiding me and for good measure as of late. I'm finding myself surrounded with an individual that when I first met him his mannerisms made me feel cautious - a month or so after he joined my department at work, I figured out why his presence makes me feel like I need to be distant. He reminded me of my abuser, David. His mannerisms are nearly identical is so many ways to those of David. How he presents himself and his mindset are both exceptionally similar to the those of David, as well. I thought that it would give me good practice to learn how to cope with my triggers by being mindful around him and reminding myself constantly that though he reminds me of David, I should remember that I cannot treat him as though he is David - nor should I give him fault for David's actions - as it is much easier to do than one would think, though it is not fair to my coworker.

His presence in our department has definitely helped me overcome my fear of running into my abuser, as according to my therapist, I have already shown major progress in demonstrating that I've started to move on and put it behind me. I also believe that I have started to put it behind me . However, in light of his similarities to my abuser, this coworker of mine has definitely started to rub me the wrong way on his own accord! I've gotten to the point where I can't be in the same room as him and his large ego. His behavior and mentality are pushing him in the wrong direction even in the eyes of the higher-ups as they want to transfer him out of our department back to his previous department in the company. It almost seems that though he is not aware of this information (as I was told in confidence by my superiors), his behavior has definitely escalated in the more negative sense over the course of the last two weeks. In fact, the negativity that surrounds him is so overwhelming that it's started to make me feel ill.

As much as I wish that I could just keep a distance and let him dig his own grave, I can only be so far since his work is very intertwined with mine - and it's gotten to the point that his supervisor has stuck her neck out for him while trying to reclaim his name into good honors that she has started to (whether consciously or not) present our work as a means of directly comparing his work with mine in front of superiors at a hope to bring my name and reputation down. Though my work does not bring any cause for concern in its quality, it seems odd that she would do such a thing for my coworker as it puts up competition in the workplace when we're on the same project team!

Could anyone give me some advice as to how to proceed? What I could do to stop this or whether it's better to just let facts do all the talking? Part of me wants to say something in a diplomatic manner to his supervisor, but I just feel like that's making more tension rather than letting the tension resolve itself. At the same time, the tension is so heavy that it makes the work environment very uncomfortable for many people involved. I am not the only individual who has been walked over by this coworker and his supervisor.

In any case, I will keep a distance and let time tell. I may as well just duck my head down and keep working as hard as I usually do so I can stay out of the drama. It's just difficult to avoid drama when it's been placed on you whether or not you choose to partake in it.

That's definitely something I need to figure out how to deal with. How to remove yourself from drama when others are involving you in it whether even your acknowledgement. I mean, I could even just not be present and those two would probably start trying to make me look bad and smearing my name- though nobody would really listen as the quality of my work thus far has given others confidence in me to not question my abilities in the work environment.

Maybe I ought to talk to my boss? Though talking to my boss might be like firing off a smoke stick just because you've got a low pressure tire rather than a flat one... On the other hand, my direct supervisor is very well aware of this entire situation as he is agitated by it, too, however, he is more of the type to just hope it goes away on its own rather than get involved.