Putting off grounding

[LoveTea]

So, I've been working on grounding to keep from dissociating for around 9 months now, and I'm slowly getting better at it. I've been trying to ground throughout the day instead of just a reactionary thing to dissociating, which does seem to work. But, lately I've started getting a bit stubborn about the whole thing and not always grounding when I need to. I know it's dumb because it only makes my dissociating worse and I will inevitably have to ground. It seems kind of paradoxical to me because I guess it's my way of trying to get some power again and trying to keep my independence and whatnot, but of course by not grounding when I need to, I'm taking these things away from myself.

I'm not really sure what I'm looking for. I guess I'm just wondering if this is normal? Obviously it's something I need to work on and try and get back on track with, I'm just not quite sure how to considering I understand how it is negatively affecting me and I'm still doing it.

 

[New]

I do it too. I think it is all about wanting control.

I am really bad about it when I get so frustrated with it all and start pretending I’m a perfectly normal person with no PTSD.

It always backfires but I still continue when therapy gets so hard.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

Happens here, too.

I know damn well what I need to do and how well it will help...and I know I need to be doing much of it every chance I get rather than waiting for the poo to hit the fan...but does that mean I do it consistently?

Nope. Some of what grounds me the best has become my new lifestyle and new daily habits, but other parts of it remain quite the hurdle each day.

Some days it just isn't going to happen and I have to try to talk myself down from the harsh verbal ass-kicking I often automatically give myself as a result and just try again the next day.

 

[Freemartin]

Right there with you.
It's the weirdest thing. I, too, have grounding tools and other coping mechanisms that really work, and I oftentimes just refuse to use them.

I've yet to reach a proper understanding of this phenomenon, but these are some thoughts I've come across:

• Partly it seems to be a form of rebellion. Every now and then I just get so f*cking tired of monitoring and managing my symptoms and leading this disabled sorry-ass excuse for a life that I want to say no to all of it (check my avatar - there's the sorry ass). Of course, I can't make my symptoms and limitations go away, so I'm left with the option of not monitoring and managing them. That's the thing I can refuse. So, it's a way of exercising my limited self-determination. Okay, it usually comes back to bite me in the butt but at least I had my moment of autonomy.
• I don´t know if you're into the theory of structural dissociation, but in my case it explains a lot. There are these parts of me that don't believe in the treatment I'm in, so they don't participate. Some of them also believe that I've deserved all the problems I'm facing, so it wouldn't be okay to try to alleviate them.
• Sometimes dissociation keeps some real nasty stuff under the surface. Often when I'm having extra heavy derealization it's a sign that something truly dreadful is about to bubble up. Usually it's some realization (N.B. the antonym of derealization) about my traumatic past. Somehow my mind gets that and makes me reluctant to decrease the dissociation.

Just my two cents.

 

[Freemartin]

For some reason, @Friday keeps popping into my head while thinking about this. I might be totally mistaken, but I think we maybe share some inclinations.
So yo, Friday, wanna contribute?

 

[Sideways]

Every now and then I just get so f*cking tired of monitoring and managing my symptoms and leading this disabled sorry-ass excuse for a life that I want to say no to all of it

So true!

Most of the time, I’m pretty diligent with doing all the stuff I’m meant to.

But every now and again, I fully reserve the right to blow grounding, and mindfulness, and self-preservation generally, completely out the window.

Invariably it feels good for a day or so while I bask in the glory of my newfound freedom to just plain old wallow in my own misery. It always ends up backfiring, and my inner-psychologist smirks and says “and what did we learn?” while my symptoms sky-rocket. But sometimes we just need to let our gut hang out. I like to think that’s part of being human.

 

[Freemartin]

So true!

Most of the time, I’m pretty diligent with doing all the stuff I’m meant to.

Bu...

Yes yes yes!
You just described it perfectly. I, too, have a sense of freedom wallowing in my symptomatic misery. I guess it somehow feels like I'm being held hostage to the symptoms, and when I agree to monitor and manage them, some part of me regards that as agreeing to the whole hostage situation. Then, if I refuse to manage them, that's me saying no to the unfairness of this sh*t. Which, as you said, royally backfires.

 

[deeplyloved]

Thank you for this thread. I’ve really been sabotaging myself lately.

 

[AnotherUser]

Grounding is one of the earliest parts of the therapy process I'm currently going through. For me it falls into the 'boring but necessary' category most of the time. So I try and practice the techniques all the time, and it's becoming second nature (not quite there yet though), which is the idea, I guess.

 

[The Albatross]

People prefer the status quo, and initiating a change in habit or behavior is hard - even if someone acknowledges that the new habit/behavior is assistive. Practice, patience, persistence & perseverance. Also, some people really struggle and resist the prospect of a self disciplined life.

 

[Freemartin]

People prefer the status quo, and initiating a change in habit or behavior is hard - even if someo...

Hmm, there's a lot of truth in what you wrote. However, it's more than that. Or an extesion of that. I mean, even when I am motivated to change my behavior and committed to self discipline, I still relapse into resisting those things. And even though I have made the changes a long time ago and try to stick to the newer ways, I get exhausted and just let the guts hang out, as RC so delightfully put it. So, I would say that what is hard is not only the change but the life that follows it, too. Even when the novelty has worn out.

 

[Mushy]

I totally relate to this! It's the weirdest thing to me that I have to talk myself into doing things and routines that I know are beneficial and once I do them...I'm like...why the hell didn't I just do that 5 hours ago.:mad: