Poll Putting Other's Before Yourself

[Lionheart]

I used to put others first out of fear and guilt. I still have that tendency to people-please, but today it is usually a choice that I have made out of love and concern. I have learned to be very careful about letting other people present their problems to me as if they are mine to take care of, but I still do put others first sometimes.

 

[Belle]

I put others first if I think I am taking away their pain or suffering or if they have an issue I can solve.
I put others first if I am frightened that if I don't some bad consequence will happen, do it a lot at work.

 

[DeeDee]

Yes. Always. It's really bad but I can't help it, I can't stand the thought of someone being upset, so I'll protect them, and help them instead of myself. I should stop I know, but I can't. :(

I do the same. My therapist says i'm "codependent", im working on changing that!

 

[Broken]

Yes, I want to please at all costs. I want to see someone else happy and I never want to offend. So I will hurt myself rather than hurt others.

Being strong and setting boundaries, feels very selfish. Selfish, is what I was accused of so many times, that it feels like the ultimate sin.

Plus there are times when I did put myself first, looked after myself, was accused of being selfish over and over because I cut myself off from my abusive family and then my sister killed herself. That is a the ultimate punishment, putting myself before others, led to her death.

The fact that I am told, that I did the right thing, does not overcome that selfish, wrong feeling and the feeling that, when I put myself first, I will be punished for it, someone else gets hurt.

That makes it very very hard to put yourself first.

Thank you for sharing this, I am the same way. If I put myself first somehow I end up punished for doing so.

 

[Invisible-Guy]

I'd like to say 'yes', but honestly, I think I'm still in survival mode most of the time. Yet another addition to the guilt train.

 

[Privateer]

My whole adult life has been about trying to make things better for other people.

I don't say that to make myself sound saintly. To be perfectly frank, I don't believe that I deserve to live and I see helping other people as a way to earn that right. Which makes me a terrible person. If I were a good person I would do the right thing simply because it was the right thing, not for any personal gain.

I used to think that was my motivation, but now I don't trust myself anymore.

Ugh. Basically my entire life can be summed up by words spoken by the Inquisitor, a character from an episode of Red Dwarf:

'You have been given the gift of life. What have you done to earn this superlative good fortune?'

My own answer would have to be 'Not enough. Never enough.'

 

[Tinyflame]

I don't do it for the right, because I don't feel I have the right as I don't 'want' life. It's just important to me, or what matters when other stuff doesn't. But I have been selfish, also.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I remember a time when the word no was not in my vocabulary. I did not know how to say no to others. I also used to apologize for everything. People would tell me that I was apologizing for things not my fault but I could not help it.

I used to feel guilty all of the time.

Not anymore. Now I can and do say not when needed. I have boundries. I do not people please anymore. I take out time for me, and I fight to get my needs met if I have to. I am still learning. Sometimes I still feel guilty about the bad choices I made in my life. I am learning that everyone is responsible for their part. It is not just me.

I used to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. what a relief that I do not do this anymore. I try to take care of myself.

 

[Shellbell]

I have always put others before myself and I do believe in being 'others centred', but where and when appropriate and not at the expense of your own self. Which is where I have gone wrong in the past.

I also have a habit of apologizing for things that are not my fault and feeling guilty about everything.

Now, I am realising that self care is vital - especially with PTSD. Now I am starting to say no to people for the first time.

 

[Invisible-Guy]

Saying 'no' can be very hard to do, but sometimes it's all you can do. I'm still trying to figure out if family members understand when I say no, or do they take it to heart. Hopefully the first of the two.

 

[piratelady]

I am still trying to learn to think of myself, at least occasionally. It is difficult though, I hate to let other people down.