Putting The Pieces Together

[WillowMarie]

Yesterday I had a really hard time at work. There is a new thing where if we are late on fulfilling online orders, everyone working at the time gets in trouble. I have been coming to work feeling anxious because of it. When I arrived at work, the two telxons we had were being used by other associates.

I felt this sense of no control and frustration take over me. I know I can only rely on myself, so if I don't have a telxon, I won't be able to check every 15 minutes for orders.

So I tried to let myself feel the emotions while still keeping busy. I tried to reassure myself that it is okay to have these feelings, and I can understand why.

The feelings kept staying, getting a bit stronger and my head is spinning. I was thinking about a memory where I was being accused of taking my brothers pillow, and I told my dad I didn't, and it was proven I really did in fact not take it. I yelled at him, I told you I didn't take it. And he yelled back, Why don't you just shut up?

I kept hearing in my head the words, I don't give a shit, just shut up. I am pretty sure in my dad's voice.

I finally located a telxon that someone was done with and took it. There were two internet orders in the system. I was able to calm down after that since I held onto the telxon for the rest of the night.

I was just feeling so helpless, hopeless, alone, frustrated. I got through it, but I had that same anxiety today when coming into work, wondering if I will be the holder of a telxon.

 

[WillowMarie]

I was out taking a walk today. At some point I was thinking about my dad and the one good memory I remember from when I was younger. It was playing monopoly with him on vacation.

But I felt resistance, thinking, I don't like to think of him as being nice. That it meant if he was a nice, he was a nice guy, and that means I am lying about him being an ass.

I was kind of surprised, being able to put it into words. I have always felt uneasy when therapists ask me to tell them about a good time. It is as if my brain can't handle thinking of him as wanting to spend time with me or being nice to me.

 

[WillowMarie]

I was watching Glee today and remembered something. It was the episode where Mr. Shoester was getting married. It was the part when the flower bouquet was thrown and Rachel caught it.

I remembered when I was at a wedding when I was younger. I believe it was a relative that we didn't see too often, or was a cousin of a cousin, or something. When it was time to throw the flowers, I was going to go up, but my mum told me I couldn't because I didn't know them well enough.

I felt left out, didn't really understand why I couldn't go up. I felt hurt. I thought it wasn't fair. I didn't understand why everyone else was entitled to go up and have the chance to catch the bouquet, but it was wrong for me to get in on the excitement. I always was receiving the message when I was younger that I wasn't good enough and that I was different. Especially within my family.

 

[WillowMarie]

I guess I should add about my huge trigger in therapy about a month ago, especially since my therapist responded to the thoughts it brought up, a memory.

It started by my therapist asking how my family responded to me when I expressed I was angry. She knows that I don't like to express anger. I mentioned two times that I got upset and how my dad responded.

My therapist responded that she could see why my dad would react that way. It triggered me badly because all I could hear was that I did something wrong. Especially when she used the word "disrespect".

I managed to get out, but he was like that all the time, it made me angry.

Even as a young kid, I was angry with how he treated me. I referred to him as the asshole. It is not like I always talked back either. Of the handful of memories, I have a couple where I fought back/yelled back. The rest I remember holding everything in, trying so hard not to cry in front of him and feeling powerless and having no control.

After the appointment, for the next five days, I journaled and cried a lot. Most of the time my head is quiet, but it was very loud this time.

I felt that everyone blamed me for getting upset and looked down on me for it. Why couldn't I be like my brothers and mom and walk on eggshells around him? That I deserved how he treated me because I should have known better. That I brought it upon myself.

If only I could be an obedient little girl, he wouldn't yell at me. If only I behaved, he wouldn't have hated me, he wouldn't have been mean to me. I was a bad kid and I deserved it. Everyone blames me for being treated that way.




I get so angry when people dismiss his behavior. They think I am lying when I call his anger scary and consider it abuse. They weren't there, he was scary when he was angry and I felt terrified of him most of the time and didn't know when he would be set off. I didn't have anyone on my side, no one to protect me or console me.

Some people even say, maybe that is just how you perceived it.

 

[WillowMarie]

I remembered a memory, not sure if it was totally blocked, or if it just came back to me.

During picture day senior year, I wore this blue longer than half sleeve shirt and my mom wasn't happy about it. It didn't cover all of my arms and I had some self-injury marks on my forearm.

I felt like she just wanted it totally hidden and pretend nothing was there. I think I remember feeling uneasy because I could tell she was embarrassed about it.

 

[WillowMarie]

I have had a couple memories pop up.

One was when I was in junior high, maybe high school and I was sad that my younger brothers friend started dating someone because I was crushing on him. During this time, and some other times I was feeling sad over something, I would put on black make-up. My family would roll their eyes at me. Like somehow it was ridiculous and I was just making a bit deal out of nothing. Like it was silly that I would be upset over things.

I felt hurt when I remembered this because I don't remember a time when my feelings were taken seriously.

Another memory came back. I was in the car with my dad and other family. (That part wasn't clear, who else was in the car) My dad was responding to the fact that my younger brother was being bullied/made fun of at school. My dad said something along the lines of, that my younger brother needs to stand up and take care of it himself, that it will toughen him up.

I felt angry and sad when I remembered this. Angry at the fact that that is how he responded to it.

 

[WillowMarie]

Had an amazing session the other day. I brought up how this strange sensation I get on my feet sometimes happened twice in the past week. This is the first time I brought it up to her as I didn't really know what it was or thought it would be weird to mention. When the feeling hits me, it feels tickley on the bottoms of my feet, this weird sensation. (which I thought as weird since I am almost never ticklish on my feet..) And I feel extremely irritated and want to cry, and frustrated. and I also feel the need to kick my feet, trying to get the feeling to stop.

She asked what I thought it might be, if I had ever hurt my feet or anything. Which I have, but it didn't make sense to be a reminder of when I broke my toe or when I stepped on a toy because it is both feet. But I have a memory where I remember sitting on my bed when I was really young, staring at the bottoms of my feet which were black and also I was crying. I have the knowledge I had gotten yelled at by a neighbor for walking on their new driveway.

She asked what I remember feeling, but all I remember is that I was crying, not any thoughts or feelings I experienced. We did some tapping about it and then she at some point asked me to ask my feet what they are trying to tell me. I focused on that and the feelings started on the bottom of my feet was strong and emotions bubbling up in my chest, making me want to cry and I even shed a few tears. She asked what I was feeling, and I told what I felt and where, she asked what emotions I felt, but I wasn't sure what to call them, but knew it made me want to cry.

She told me to put my hands over my chest where I was feeling the emotions and imagine comforting that little girl. I closed my eyes with my hands on my chest and imagined the little girl sitting on the bed and going over to her and hugging her telling her it will be okay. Out of no where I just feel tears streaming down my cheeks. If I didn't feel the sensation of them rolling down, I would never have known I was crying, it was weird, but I felt really calm and didn't feel scared it was happening.

My therapist said the emotions felt stronger in the middle because I was getting in touch with my emotions, that I had dissociated them before.