Question about people being "charming" (also in the context of grooming)

[Boyd]

I'm not sure if I've put this thread in the right place, so please move it, as appropriate.

I'm still trying to "understand" the abusive relationship I got into.

It was with someone who was incredibly "charming" and who did a love-bombing thing as an adult version of grooming and then one day, that suddenly turned around completely, Jekyll and Hyde style and things became abusive and dark and toxic and weird.

I'm still trying to work out what drew me to this person, why the factor of him being "charming" seemed to give him a "pass" as to all my hyper-vigilance security scanning...

I was just watching an interview on Times Radio between the UK politician and radio presenter Ed Vaizey (who I find very charming and kind of have a crush on) and two political journalists that came on his show and who were utterly "un-charming"... I dunno what the opposite is, but kinda bland/ non-descript. (I don't mean this to be a personal judgement regarding any of them, so anyone who comments, please be polite and respectful. I just watched this interview and was transfixed, because it's such a good example of the issue that I'm trying to understand.)

I should also say that this isn't Ed Vaizey at his most charming... There's lots of videos of him being ultra-charming and kind of flirty (for want of a better word) with whoever he's talking to. It doesn't feel like an inappropriate kind of flirty to me tho - just charming/ attentive/ gaze into your eyes/ cute grin type of thing...

At the same time, I've had to learn by my own shitty experience, that this kind of "charming" thing is something that perp's can be really good at - it can be a trap for something very sinister and broken.

Having said that, it's normal, as a human to respond to someone being "charming", isn't it?

I feel like I've lost all bearing on this topic... I see people being charming these days and think "Oh, a (covert?) narcissist/ a perp!" and while that feels like a crazy over-reaction, it also feels like there's a core of truth to it... I just dunno...

Charm is a Dawwinion thing that all men use to a greater or lesser extent. A shield for all manner of things from general unlikability to far worse. But some men are lovely and genuine beneath their charm.

 

[Tinyflame]

I prefer endearing to charming. Very different things IMHO.

 

[Friday]

I don't think it's as simple as "charming behaviour has become a trigger"... tho I guess it's a part of it.

I think whatever it is that I now find concerning about "charming" behaviour is subtler/ deeper than that, but I can't quite put my finger on it/ can't word it right.

PTSD/CPTSD is really pretty simple/straightfoward.

- Trauma, otoh? And the effects of trauma on ourselves & our lives???

- Relationships? The dynamic interplay between the Identity, ethos, ethics, preference, fears, desires, beliefs, ambitions, personalities & attributes, skills, rights/responsibilities, goals, dreams, schedules, character, etc., etc., etc., of 2 or more people???

Are complicated as hell.

Not everything that rises to the level of being a trigger/stressor is going to be more complicated than that (it existed during our trauma, and is now causes a symptomatic response). The light angled this way. The gravel was crunching under wheels in the driveway. Woodsmoke was in the air. Grease and grit embedded in cracked cuticles stinging. A thousand thousand things can become triggers & stressors. And do. And that’s the beginning and end of them.

OF COURSE there’s more to it… much more subtle & a great deal deeper… than it happened to exist during your trauma, and now causes a symptom spike.

That it’s a personality attribute, or skill set, that also drop kicks certain symptoms into the stratosphere? Makes it even more complicated; as it means needing to ground&center, reality check, blow off stress, and potentially eliminate the trigger/stressor altogether (IE deal with symptoms & rebound) rather than “just” the human thing.

^^^
One trick that can help is to pick 3 personality traits/skill sets that have ZERO connection to trauma that you:

- Adore
- Don’t care one way or the other about
- Despise

And then use those 3 things as a compare/contrast/NorthStar against Charm, in particular, but any trauma-related personality/skill.

It’s kinda mind blowing, the first time. Durn useful tool.