Question for ptsd suffererers: sudden break up

[Sideways]

I'm really not sure why you're hanging onto this 'numbness' thing.

She said she snapped after you guys fought about intimacy. Numbness has nothing to do with that.

She's happy. Time for you to let it go.

 

[EveHarrington]

It could be a switch off her feelings kind of thing.

Kind of a "cruel" trait to have, but at the same time a defense mechanism we developed to stay safe.

 

[rickyduds]

Thanks guys - I guess I have conflicting answers. Either way, her feelings are gone for good and I'm at peace and relieved with that. I'm sorry if I've insulted anybody being so naive about this.

I asked just to understand things better.. she clearly wasn't numb but may have switched things off.. who knows. It's probably for the best this ended anyway. I'm no longer convinced her refusing closure before was numbness either - I was just shocked by the selfish, cowardly and cold-hearted side of her I was too blind to see before. Looking back, there were two times I needed her there for me, and she wasn't, even though she was in love with me at the time. That should have been a red-flag.

On top of that, she has the hardest time communicating over anyone I've ever dated - I know that's related to PTSD though. It really sucks - I think if she didn't have this affliction, she'd be able to communicate, and our fights wouldn't have happened. But that's life. We'll both meet other people - although it's a shame, because those fights are going to happen with anyone she dates that loves her enough to care when she's avoiding confrontation. I really hope she can figure that out in therapy.

Thank you for letting me vent. I'm probably done with this forum - thank you for not only supporting people with PTSD (please, continue), but someone who was really confused and really unsure how to deal with someone afflicted by it in a breakup.

 

[Nessa7]

I'm glad to hear that you are feeling more at peace with things.

If emotional numbing played a role in your breakup, it could have taken many different forms. It is impossible for us to guess what might have happened, especially without hearing her version of events. Someone with PTSD could experience a general numbing of all emotions, only have specific emotions numbed, or have the numbing focused on one specific event.

 

[rickyduds]

I want to update my feelings on what I think from when I was upset the night we had closure. I don't think it was fair of me to call her cowardly, selfish and cold-hearted.. I was just upset.

She actually showed a lot of courage giving me that closure talk, and knowing her difficulty with feelings, it's not fair of me to have expected her to talk it out sooner like someone who didn't have this affliction. I could tell she was upset the whole time, it must have been really difficult for her to talk about PTSD and our relationship. I felt I was walking on eggshells the whole time: saying one wrong thing would have made her end the conversation and I wouldn't have gotten closure. Regardless of whether she was numb or not, PTSD made it incredibly hard for her to talk about feelings, and in the end she did that for me.

Whether she was numb or not doesn't matter: PTSD is what ruined our relationship either way and there's nothing I could have done. Obviously, numbness makes more sense: you can't lose the love of your life and not be disappointed, and go straight to being happy.. but I've come to realize it's irrelevant. Had she been able to communicate that she needed space and told me not to take her distance personally while we were in an argument, or been able to not turtle when feelings came up, our relationship wouldn't have been destroyed in a short few days of fighting. I wouldn't have pushed her for affection, there would have been an understanding.

I think this was the right girl at the wrong time.. the intensity of the honeymoon phase was too much for her when things got stressful for her. I don't know if she'll ever heal enough to be functional in a passionate relationship like the one we had, and I'm not going to wait for her, but it helps knowing we had something real. I really wish the best for her and hope she's able to reflect and see all of this one day to help her find happiness in another relationship. And who knows, maybe in 20 years she'll heal, come to a realization and seek me out to apologize for having to be so cold during this breakup.

 

[Deanna]

I haven't read the whole thread.. so I'll just reply to your first post ( on my way to work) Give her a month. We are pretty much known for "flight or flee". She underwent too may changes in the first post. It happens.. deal with it. I on the on the other hand, I needed another med. It helped me--( or so far) good luck. Also, if my partner ( lover) is too controling..I don't do very well with that. I've gone thru a lot of trauma. It would be one thing to say, "Oh .hello.... I'm Jamie, and this and this took away 2 years of my life." ( but I can't say that) If you love her, than show her with time. There are some places where you're over-bearng and may not realize it. Let her come to you. If you have plans to find someone else, them go for it. Also: She knows when something is real too. Or, I do.. I've been there as flee.

I can get a real attitude about people controlling me. I'll rub their face in it.. but something is different, I like my psychiatrist. She is helping me.

I think this was the right girl at the wrong time.. the intensity of the honeymoon phase was too much for her when things got stressful for her. I don't know if she'll ever heal enough to be functional in a passionate relationship like the one we had, and I'm not going to wait for her, but it helps knowing we had something real.

 

[rickyduds]

I haven't read the whole thread.. so I'll just reply to your first post ( on my way to work) Give...

You're a bit late to the party, but thank you. If it's meant to be, one day she'll come around with a willingness to work on communication and I'll need to decide if it's worth the risk of going through this again.. but I don't see her doing that. I'm moving on, I'm happy on my own and I know I'll find someone else and she will too.

I think at this point of her life, it feels too safe to just walk away and not deal with admitting her condition's role in it to herself. It's easier for her to lay the blame on me and attribute all of these traits from previous relationships onto me. She's used to diagnosing other people's behaviours, so it probably comes naturally to her. I've never had someone feel the need to block me from contacting them, but it's not her fault she feels stress from me and feels the need to do that. None of this is her fault. And I don't take it personally.

Maybe I'm wrong about all of this, and she noticed her feelings change a lot earlier and tried to make it work while covering up her doubts. I'm not sure about that, because I truly felt love from her not long before the breakup. Or maybe she does still love me, but made a logical decision based on a feeling that it won't work long term, and is so definite so I know she's serious. Or maybe she's completely numbed her feelings. Who knows.

I can speculate all I want, but in the end, I know I gave everything I could give to this relationship and trying to save it, and that she's just not able or willing to do that. I still love her and respect her - she's a beautiful human being and a shining light in this world, and I'm grateful for our time together. I can move on in peace, because with help from this forum and time to digest, I've understood to not to take her coldness with the breakup personally, because it's not a manifestation of her true self, but a defence mechanism to shield her from perceived danger. I honestly wish her the best.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

I haven't read the whole thread.. so I'll just reply to your first post ( on my way to work) Give...

I want to thank you @Deanna's Gap because your story sounds familiar to my ptsd sufferer. After going through a two-week flight experience, he's being very kind, sweet and caring. I spoke with him in person and we came to an understanding about our situation. He would like to start at the beginning with being friends and getting to know each other which I really don't mind. I told him we would go at his pace of comfort because I now have a more clear understanding of him. He's been so helpful with me and caring about my well-being, it's really amazing. I told him that I have an understanding of what stressors are and how not to give them to him; and if I see that he's stressed, I won't bother him and I'll give him space. I love him enough to work through our situations when they may surface and I'll do whatever I have to in order to make things comfortable for him. It's no longer about me, it's about us.