Question For Single Parents Who Divorced Abusers:

[Middle of Nowhere]

Thanks Love never fails,

I honestly still catch myself looking at the world the way he wants me to. HIS way
I keep feeling like I'm doing the right thing, but just the wrong way. How mean I am, how in need of him I am....Blah Blah Blah. Heavy sigh:cry:

 

[Loveneverfails]

(((Mid)))
It's a process. I can honestly testify to that. Not too long ago I was doing the same thing. I couldn't imagine life without him, the very thought seemed to send me spiraling into depression. But that changed in time. It got better and I know it will continue to do so. I think the same will hold true for you as well. Even perfectly functional people struggle with divorce and letting go. Give yourself time to process what happened and time to accept it. You'll make it. :)

 

[Queen Boudica]

I used to feel that way too. Sometimes still do. I felt like I would break him by leaving, that he would commit suicide, but that was because he had told me and hinted so many times he would do that.

I kept blaming myself for his violence and believed it when he told me he was just looking after me so that is why I had to do things his way, because his was the best and most logical way of doing things.

When I was living with him I could not see truly how bad it was, because I was in survival mode. I did really think I could not survive without him, that I was so useless, that he knew so much better than me. Because, he would always tell me that, not always directly but in lots of other indirect ways.

Now I have been away from him for 5 months I realise just how bad it was, how repressed and scared I was.

So yes, it takes time to accept and to find yourself. I still fall for his bullshit, I have to go away and think about it, I can't deal with him directly and I find it very hard to set boundaries with him though I am getting there but it is very hard.

Yes, think it takes a lot of time.

 

[unalaa]

When I was living with him I could not see truly how bad it was, because I was in survival mode.

Now I have been away from him for 5 months I realise just how bad it was, how repressed and scared I was.

So yes, it takes time to accept and to find yourself. I still fall for his bullshit, I have to go away and think about it, I can't deal with him directly and I find it very hard to set boundaries with him though I am getting there but it is very hard.

Yes, think it takes a lot of time.

That survival mode makes it so difficult to not only see things, but to formulate any kind of plan to make things better for yourself. I knew that I needed to get out when I got pregnant with my younger son. But it took 3 years and some months and finishing graduate school for me to actually stand up and say that I couldn't live that way anymore.

It's 13 years since our divorce, and 14 years since we first separated. I still fall for his bullshit, too - I'm constantly surprised that no matter how healthy I feel at the time, it happens again. I continue to have to set boundaries with him, although not nearly as often as I once did. As for dealing with him directly - I don't unless absolutely necessary. I figure that's what email, text messaging, etc. is for. I need the time to compose my replies to him in writing, so to communicate with him in that way has been quite helpful.

Oddly enough, Facebook is another way we communicate. When our sons were younger and first got their FB pages, we insisted they both be friends with us as well so we could monitor their activity. Now it's become a way to share pictures of our sons and what they are doing, mostly.

However, I still cringe and brace myself for the worst when the phone rings and I see that it's him on the other end of the line.

 

[Beverly G.]

I have been out of an abusive marriage for 10+ years. The day I left was one of the more terrifying and freeing days of my life. My now adult children have very little to do with their father.

I never quite got away from his controlling ways even when I moved far away he would still call me and give me his "advice" about how to care for my kids. One day my daughter then 15 year old told her dad that he meant no more to her than a stranger and he was to leave her alone. For some reason he listened.

The day does come when instead of feeling intimidated you feel sorry for them because even there own children can't love them. I think if it keeps peace it doesn't hurt for him to think he still has some control but in the end it will ultimately be your children who decide.

 

[sleepy]

I left my sons father 14 months ago, he was awful to live with all through our 8 year relationship. Our son is now 6. At first I let him see my son, until he started coming round really drunk, falling asleep in my house when he was seeing our child, and generally causing us a nightmare. The last time he saw our son, he broke 2 of my ribs and my nose, he also locked us in our house for over 2 hours while he beat and interrogated us. I stopped all contact when I discovered my son had heard it all and was 'all shaky inside' (last straw)

I have had to move us to a new town and no-one knows where we are. He is taking me to court for access to our son, and the only thing I have to be thankful for (except my beutiful child) is he knows nothing of my PTSD. I know no-one where we are now, no mums from school and no teachers. I really struggle to find the confidence to talk to my sons teacher about any concerns I may have and I feel my opinion does not matter as much as everyone elses.

Just thought I would share. It saddens me that we have to go through these trials.

 

[LizardViolet]

I wish you strength as you make this new start. You are doing the right thing for yourself and for your son.