Relationship Question For Sufferers

[shimmerz]

@Glara, that is the point that I learned on here earlier this week. It is me who sees myself that way. For me, in my situation, is that that is the root of it....how I see myself....

Change that picture and everything else changes

 

[Glara]

We'll @shimmerz as a supporter I can tell you that your supporters probably don't see that way either. I'm my case, I see him as he is when he is clear. I can give him space, I'm just wrestling with understanding what he's thinking and feeling when he pulls away. I know what kind of person he is in spite of this brain injury. I'm sure your supporters feel this way as well.

 

[KwanYingirl]

He knows some of what bothers him, some may be repressed as a way to protect him from being flooded with. Traumatic memories. PTSD is about avoidance of any reminders of the trauma.

PTSD affects self esteem, safety, trust and intimacy. I have no way of knowing what his motivations are, and he may not either. Without help he may continue to isolate altogether. Try not to take it personally. When men have been too demanding of me I run the other way.

It's hard enough to meet my own needs, relationships demand skills that are lost on me. We have words that only we understand. Words like triggers, flashbacks, suicidal ideation, self harm, body memories, attachment disorders. It's not like going on a picnic on a sunny day.

 

[Hashi]

I keep reading stress, even good stress and overload etc etc, but I just don't get it.

As a sufferer, I don't get what exactly it is that you don't get. If you separate out your personal interest, ideas about romance, etc etc and read about PTSD sufferers experiencing stress, even good stress and overload - say, someone you don't even know - does it make it easier to understand?

I can't help feeling that you might be bringing some sort of "we're destined to be together", "I just want to lighten his load", "love conquers all", "my love is enough", "soft place to land", or similar ideas to this.

Working overtime, going out and doing things etc is not the same as being in an intimate relationship. I wonder if maybe you're seeing an intimate relationship from a non-PTSD point of view, for example that it's sustaining and someone in one is supported. From a PTSD point of view it could mean a lot of different things that it wouldn't otherwise - demands, expectations, disappointments, unwanted vulnerability, exhaustion, lack of control, lack of much-needed private time, intrusion.... and on and on.

Boundaries can be much clearer with work and even with socialising. Boundaries and open discussion in an intimate relationship can be a minefield, even for those without PTSD. For sufferers these can be huge issues.

 

[Glara]

@Hashi yes when it's someone I don't know or even a close friend I do understand. Before I knew all this a friend said much the same thing to me. She asked if I get upset when she doesn't text and I answered that I don't. But she was never texting all day at work and sexting me at night and making plans for our future together either.

I guess I just need to hear from sufferers what it's like from their perspective. As far as love conquers all and that stuff, it's definately not that. I'm not 20 years old, I'm a little more experienced than that lol. When he and I first got serious he didn't tell me about the PTSD and we were making lots of plans so this is very painful. It's not even like a breakup where I know exactly where I stand. This is someone who very special to me when I was in my 20s and now again. A month ago I knew nothing about ptsd except maybe people get flashbacks. When he started to change I tried to break if off till he figures out what he wanted and he got really upset. He wasn't answering totally appropriately so I just said I was sorry because I didn't know what to make of it. It was few days later that he told me and he's been withdrawing ever since.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Have you read the PTSD relationship book?

I think that both you, @Glara, and @shimmerz are correct. Sufferers often see themselves in a very negative light, and we get so entrenched in a negative way of thinking that we start to believe that PTSD is all that we are, and that there are no redeeming factors. It is SO very, very hard to be on the inside and have to deal with hellish symptoms, and be able to honestly say "oh, we're great people who happen to have a bad disorder" Nope, it doesn't work that way. Our whole worlds become engulfed in PTSD and the bad seems to by far outweigh the good. Supporters on the other hand have the opposite view. Many see that we are great people who happen to have a disorder, but we are awesome people otherwise. That is, the good by far outweighs the bad.

 

[RussH]

Can I ask you what caused your sufferer to get PTSD? Knowing what kind of trauma he suffered might help us give you a more meaniful answer.

My trauma was from an extended period of bullying, emotional abuse, that caused a part of me to"die." That is when I most likely developed PTSD.

As a result of this trauma, I have trouble forming close intimate relationships with people out of fear. I am afraid that if they truly get to know me, then they will not like me and will reject me, so it is easier for me to keep people at arm's length.

Having said that, I am happily married, and have been for 35 years, and in that respect I am truly blessed. However I don't have many close friends simply because I cannot risk the pain close friendships can bring me.

Hope this helps.

 

[Glara]

@RussH it was child abuse. I had no idea and I've known him for 30 years. We were on and off again when we were young but I just figured it was because it was long distance. When we reconnected on FB years ago it took a long time before we talked about our past. I knew he wanted to because he was flirty and sometimes hinted about how he felt. Anyway once we really started talking he came on really strong. We made all kinds if plans. We are still long distance. It was after all that that he told me about ptsd. I also told him very personal things about me. Now he's so distance. I don't joke what I should do. So I come on here and was and chat... And wait. Thanks for trying to help me understand.

 

[RussH]

@Glara Child abuse, especially from a parent, can cause fear of intimate relationships.

However, as you said, you shared some very personal things with him. Maybe it is just taking him a while to process that.
I hope things work out for you.

 

[Glara]

I hope so. I just don't know what to do. There's nobody to talk to. I don't know if I should even talk to him. And I worry about him too. I just don't know.

 

[RussH]

Send him a text: Tell him you know he is working through a l lot of issues, and when he is ready to talk, you are ready to listen.
However this may be a situation where you have to be willing to let him go.

 

[Friday]

I've been reading as much as I can about what sufferers experience but of course I'll never truly understand it. Is there anyone that can try to explain what causes you to withdraw from intimate relationships.

This is currently my background on my tablet... Because it makes me smile. :D
It's also A) True. and B) one of the reasons why I'll isolate. If I'm not able to treat people the way they deserve to be treated, I remove myself from the situation. As a parent, that's simply not always possible. So that's learning to take timeouts, have blanket fort & movie days, and call in babysitters. So that I never act out on my (or anyone else's) kids. Ever. Regardless of what my mood is. I'm a little more lax with adults. Because, frankly, they can take care of themselves. (Goodbye. See ya when I've pulled my head out.... Which can be weeks, or even months later). So that's one reason.

Another reason is simply that I'm tired. The more involved a relationship is, the more energy goes into it. For me, there are different stages.
- Intimate relationships (family & close friends),
- close relationships (work, occasional friends),
- brief purposeful encounters (church, PTA/ other parents),
- hello human (gas station, post carrier, waitress).

I, quite frankly, don't have the energy to deal with everyone all the time. So I make choices, and pull back in order to protect myself. I know when I'm at either end of the spectrum (only interacting with family or gas station attendants) that I'm going off the rails. (If I'm even avoiding my mailman and the gas station Attendant... I've already gone off the rails. Past tense. Toast.).

Ideally, and when I'm doing well, I can maintain all the different levels of relationships in my life. They're part of what makes my life full, balanced, and rewarding.

...

So I've got 2 main reasons : Protecting others, and protecting myself.