@FridayJones That is a very good, reasoned post. You are right, relationships burn energy, and can be difficult, but at the same time they are rich, rewarding and add inmeasurably to our lives.
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Relationship Question For Sufferers
- Post starter Glara
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scout86
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The first time I ever told anyone anything about what had happened to me, I went home that night sure that the world was going to come to an end. (It wasn't much of a "conversation". He had pretty much figured it out. I managed to answer "yes" or "no" to a few questions.) I'm not kidding and I'm not exaggerating. I was sure he (who was the best friend I ever expect to have) was going to hate me and be disgusted by me. That he'd see me as damaged and the most I'd ever get from him after that was pity, which isn't something I want from anyone, ever. Facing him the next day was one of the hardest things I've ever done. It turned out ok, but I had to see him again to know that.
I still feel a lot of that, a lot of times, just like pretty much everyone here has said.
Personally, I think you should talk to him, or not, as you see fit. Don't play games with this. He's not made of china. If you have something to say, say it. But don't badger him either.The people I find easiest to be around are the ones who say what they mean, whether I want to hear it or not, so I don't have to guess at what's going on. I'm not a good guesser and I know it. It's a relief to know where I stand, just like it's a relief to know that I'm accepted just the way I am. That means that even well meaning attempts to "help" can be exhausting.
Everyone wants to know when someone cares about them. But, be prepared to take "no" for an answer, too. You have to respect his wishes, just like you would anyone else. If he says he's not ready for a relationship, for example, take him at his word. But it sure isn't going to hurt to tell him you care about him. It might scare him, and it might surprise him, but it won't hurt him.
@FridayJones , you nailed it!
I still feel a lot of that, a lot of times, just like pretty much everyone here has said.
Personally, I think you should talk to him, or not, as you see fit. Don't play games with this. He's not made of china. If you have something to say, say it. But don't badger him either.The people I find easiest to be around are the ones who say what they mean, whether I want to hear it or not, so I don't have to guess at what's going on. I'm not a good guesser and I know it. It's a relief to know where I stand, just like it's a relief to know that I'm accepted just the way I am. That means that even well meaning attempts to "help" can be exhausting.
Everyone wants to know when someone cares about them. But, be prepared to take "no" for an answer, too. You have to respect his wishes, just like you would anyone else. If he says he's not ready for a relationship, for example, take him at his word. But it sure isn't going to hurt to tell him you care about him. It might scare him, and it might surprise him, but it won't hurt him.
@FridayJones , you nailed it!
I did that to some extent for years, I didn't go out but I was distant from everyone I had dated. I was guarded to the point that the person I was with didn't even know I was burning my skin, a couple times she noticed I made up something and nothing else said, We dated years and those people never did really know me. For me I hurt so bad I didn't know how to express it. I didn't want anyone to think I was weak, the people who said they knew what you were going through seemed so fake because I felt no one knew what pain I felt and couldn't understand why so I just wouldn't talk about it period or any of my feelings for that matter. Long winded response I know but there is no telling why and it could be any reason, you can try to get through to them but its hard to say if they will understand themselves.
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@hlww76692 I posted that thread last year. He broke it off in March. Things got very bad for him. A year ago he set up a suicide plan but stopped himself. He and his therapist decided he should be hospitalized in Feb but he signed himself out. In March I got upset about a Facebook pic he posted of another woman. He said it was a friend he knew since he was 12, but he broke it off. He's checked in periodically and in May he even said he dreamt of me and wanted to see me. Then he went silent for weeks.
I'm trying to move on. It's hard to know what to think about everything. I'm trying so hard to think rationally, with my head. If I were advising a friend I'd say move on, if it's meant to be it will be. I'm the type of person that always plans, thinks ahead, and doesn't act on emotion. Except with him. The other thing about me is I'm the kind of person that sees both sides of things and always tries to put myself on someone else's place. That's where I get stuck.
Right now I'm trying to find ways to focus on my own life. My best friends have distanced themselves from me this year, my daughter moved out and I've been suffering my own health issues. All combined make it hard to movie forward. However, the more time that passes without contact the easier it becomes. And then I feel sad about that.
I've been checking this site everyday but I'm trying not to read so much anymore, or participate. Just another way I'm trying to let go. Thank you though for your explanation.
I'm trying to move on. It's hard to know what to think about everything. I'm trying so hard to think rationally, with my head. If I were advising a friend I'd say move on, if it's meant to be it will be. I'm the type of person that always plans, thinks ahead, and doesn't act on emotion. Except with him. The other thing about me is I'm the kind of person that sees both sides of things and always tries to put myself on someone else's place. That's where I get stuck.
Right now I'm trying to find ways to focus on my own life. My best friends have distanced themselves from me this year, my daughter moved out and I've been suffering my own health issues. All combined make it hard to movie forward. However, the more time that passes without contact the easier it becomes. And then I feel sad about that.
I've been checking this site everyday but I'm trying not to read so much anymore, or participate. Just another way I'm trying to let go. Thank you though for your explanation.
Im so happy I read your thread... My bf has ptsd from being kidnapped... and well he's been somewhat withdrawing from me... (somewhat because my own issues are being insecure and very open about that-- so i question my own mental health before his etc etc) and I guess it's easy to say OK he's having time to himself, but then he posts something on fb and my issues become a WTF!? response ... OK not sure if any of this makes sense, but I figured its because it is basic distraction and not added stress of intimate relationships. I have to assume this or that he really doesnt want to be with me, like any human has the choice to decide.. but yesterday I kind of gave him the option to run away and he didnt.
I hid like that going on 26 years, Ive lived with 3 women during that time and I pushed them all aways, I can remember something setting me off and I used to go outside and smoke, I would burn my skin and I would make myself pay....I used to burn my legs because people questioned the burns on my arms. I could do that and come inside like nothing happened and the women were totally blind to it, I really wanted to love someone and for someone to love me but they never knew it, they never knew the pain I felt. I couldn't admit I needed help. I still cant.... If he is like I was then you will have to find a way to get him to open up, he wont do it up on his own and you may get tidbits here and there but you wont get it all. I never drank because I couldn't hide it drunk so I wouldn't drink. You cant expect him to open up you sort of have to wrangle it out of them sometimes. If he hasn't left I have to assume from experience that he wants you there but he can not express the pain he feels.
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@hlw76692 im sorry it's like that for you and I hope you're getting some kind of help now. My sufferer is in therapy. I think he's opened up a lot by telling me how suicidal he is and about the hospital etc. I don't ask for details about his trauma. He told me the cause and explained briefly. I don't need to know much more unless he wants to tell me.
I also really do understand his pain. I've battled suicidal thoughts since I was 16. Mine aren't trauma related, although I didn't have a very stable childhood. I have hormonal and seasonal depression. But I do understand that heavy depression that makes it hard to get out of bed and just not wanting to live. I know that's not the same as his intense pain and probably flashbacks and maybe disassociation etc. he hasn't told me any of that. He just told me the depression and suicidal thoughts. Some things I know because of this behavior. And we are long distance which makes it hard. In some ways I guess it's good because I have not choice but to live my life separately.
Ironically he just texted me. It's the most conversation that he's initiated in a long time. It's like he has some kind of radar. Everytime I think I'm going to give up and move on I hear from him. I know he's struggling and he's definately not in a position to be in a relationship right now. The thing is, I've known him since I was 19 and I'm 51 now. We dated in our 20s. We were long distance then too and it was an on and off thing because of that.
Anyway I appreciate your insight. Again, I hope you're getting some kind of help. Everybody needs help.
I also really do understand his pain. I've battled suicidal thoughts since I was 16. Mine aren't trauma related, although I didn't have a very stable childhood. I have hormonal and seasonal depression. But I do understand that heavy depression that makes it hard to get out of bed and just not wanting to live. I know that's not the same as his intense pain and probably flashbacks and maybe disassociation etc. he hasn't told me any of that. He just told me the depression and suicidal thoughts. Some things I know because of this behavior. And we are long distance which makes it hard. In some ways I guess it's good because I have not choice but to live my life separately.
Ironically he just texted me. It's the most conversation that he's initiated in a long time. It's like he has some kind of radar. Everytime I think I'm going to give up and move on I hear from him. I know he's struggling and he's definately not in a position to be in a relationship right now. The thing is, I've known him since I was 19 and I'm 51 now. We dated in our 20s. We were long distance then too and it was an on and off thing because of that.
Anyway I appreciate your insight. Again, I hope you're getting some kind of help. Everybody needs help.
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76692
No problem, I do ok theses days this is my help so to speak. Ive self medicated for 20+ years now and if this werent private I wouldnt be so open. Any time you need insight Im here.
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