Relationship Question For Sufferers

[Medley29]

@Yvonne6373 I was in your exact situation 6 months ago, trying to gather information and figure...

Reading this helped me so much. I'm new to the information gathering, as the beginning of our relationship seemed completely normal. Then after a while, things started to change. My sufferer has gone from a laid back, fun guy who hardly ever gets upset about anything to a quiet, snappy man who lashes out at me. From reading, I've realized he can't help this, so I do my best to just let the rough times go. The hardest for me is going from seeing him so much and talking all the time to hardly talking. I miss him, and it gets difficult. I've thrown myself into reading everything I can find, and asking other sufferers in my life who feel more comfortable opening up. Any tips on how to give space without getting so discouraged, or hurting so much without his presence? I'm NOT good at just focusing on myself, but the last thing I want to do is make his struggle worse. But I have so many questions and so little idea of what to do. I wish I could help him; watching him suffer hurts my heart. Does this become more natural with time?

 

[journey31]

Reading this helped me so much. I'm new to the information gathering, as the beginning of our relationship seemed comp...

No. It doesn't get more natural. I still have no idea what to do. Or if he needs space or me to check up. No matter what I do, it seems like its the wrong choice.

 

[medley29]

No. It doesn't get more natural. I still have no idea what to do. Or if he needs space or me to check...

I read a lot that communication is best. But when I point blank ask him if I'm bothering him, I usually don't get a response. I watched the 18 short videos that someone posted on a different thread, and they helped my perspective. I just struggle with not knowing what he needs from me. A friend who also has PTSD told me that

 

[medley29]

No. It doesn't get more natural. I still have no idea what to do. Or if he needs space or me to check...

I watched the 18 short videos that someone posted in a separate thread. They helped change my perspective a lot. A friend of mine who also has PTSD has been trying to guide me, and she says being myself and also working on myself and doing things to build myself up and make myself stronger is important for being able to be what he needs. I'm trying to figure out how to do that. When I know he is suffering and hurting, it's hard for me to focus on myself instead of him. But then I get anxious because I'm trying to focus on him and he withdraws. I've also read many of you say that communication is important. At times I point blank ask him what he needs or if I'm bothering him. Most of the time I don't get any response to that. I'm doing my best to maintain a positive outlook, but I could really use some pointers on how to take a step away when he needs space and work on myself, so I can be of better use to him. The oxygen mask example..... Any tips on self-care for supporters?

 

[Ellabella44]

You can't go by a "textbook" manual of if someone can feel x or y. There are so many factors in how an emotion is felt by any one individual.

Deep wrenching grief (for example in my experience) can make someone feel as if they have nothing left to give someone emotionally. Ragged wretched empty shell, nothing but pain, and feeling like the only thing to protect anyone who loves you is to stay away from them. It hurts to have someone hurting because you are in pain.

For some grief won't be felt to that level. Others caring for them is a comfort, hugs can be accepted. Strength is found by being with others.

These two things can also depend on day for any individual for what extreme any emotion swings to.

What I told my husband is sometimes you can't help me, and then the only thing that helps when I don't leave our room is staying there quiet and alone. He checks on me to see if I'm OK and by now he knows I won't be there forever. Isolation heals sometimes.

 

[Rosewater]

I've also read many of you say that communication is important. At times I point blank ask him what he needs or if I'm bothering him. Most of the time I don't get any response to that. I'm doing my best to maintain a positive outlook, but I could really use some pointers

It's difficult because at those times we often don't know what we want or need ourselves. That's why there's usually no answer to the question - we don't know what the answer is. And that's a really hard thing to communicate, because it means admitting to ourselves that we are only just about coping or are trying really hard not to fall apart.

I don't have any pointers that are relevant to anyone else. For me, those are the times when all I really want or need is for my partner to gently hold my hand or give me a soft hug. Knowing & feeling that someone is there who cares and wants to relieve the distress is much more important than anything she could possibly say.

Hope this is useful.