Relationship Question for supporters from person with ptsd

[Bernice]

I've had a difficult experience recently with someone I thought was a supporter and I would like to see if someone can help me understand:

I've been opening up to friends this past year about my trauma. Sometimes I just tell people that I have ptsd. Sometimes, I tell people bits and pieces about how I got ptsd. It depends on my comfort level. I feel really ashamed and guilty after I speak it out loud. Sometimes I get sick. I try often but sometimes the words won't come out and my face gets hot and I stutter a lot. But, I think it is good for me to keep pushing myself to open up.

It's been a good path for me to open up all in all.

I've had a bad experience lately opening up to someone:

I was getting coffee with a mentor from grad school and got choked up while we were talking and I told him afterward through email that I have ptsd problems that I'm struggling with. He never responded to that email even though we had been emailing back and forth beforehand. (So I know 100% he got it)

I had him for 3 classes in grad school, known him for 2 years, gotten coffee with him numerous times and considered him my most important mentor from grad school.

But now I'm left feeling guilty and ignored and kinda worthless to be honest. It's hard also because I harbor a lot of strong romantic feelings for him and I thought we were friends at least. He asked me a long time ago if I had been through some kind of trauma because he saw something in traumatic in my artwork... I thought I was answering an old question one year later.

Its hard not to feel like people don't care about me when I'm ignored. It's hard not to put it all on myself and feel like there's something wrong with me. My family also used to ignore what was going on too.

....

Why would he just not respond?


(Sorry this was so long and obnoxious. This was my first post actually)

 

[MrMoonlight]

Thanks for posting this...
I am currently going through almost the exact same thing.
I will be keenly watching this thread.

 

[Bernice]

Thanks for posting this...
I am currently going through almost the exact same thing.
I will be keenly wat...

Thank you for your reply. I'm sorry that happened to you too. Startlingly painful reaction for a person to have I've found. It's been a week and I still find I'm still having trouble meeting people's gazes and keeping my shoulders back. I feel really embarrassed all the time. Can people just not react like that? Just say anything. Anything at all.

 

[nowthisisme]

I am sorry your going through this ... I have not begun to open up to people and i dont think it will be anytime soon, i just began treatment a few months ago, but how long ago did you send the email? Maybe he did not see it yet or maybe he did but was shocked and didnt know what to write back right away.
If i had received an email like that from a close friend i would probably sleep on it before i write anything back, just so i can choose my words wisely.

 

[MrMoonlight]

Yeah so sorry. My deal went down last week too. With a woman I hadn't spoken with for 15 years.

The first friend I told react's like this..? wtf

I have a mentor figure in my life too, and I can't immagine reactions like that. That really sucks...and I wish I knew what to say other than I can relate.

I temper my feelings anymore because I don't trust myself. I mean maybe I just gave her too much too soon.

c'est la guerre

 

[Friday]

There could be a thousand reasons he didn't respond. From this being his way of showing you respect by not pushing you for information he has no right to; to his way of maintaining boundaries in a relationship that sounds like it's already boundary-challenged; to faculty policy (if a student shares confidential medical history with me what should I do?); to his dealing with his own trauma stuff; to this is as big a deal to him as you mentioning you've gotten new shoes (aka it's not because PTSD is a totally normal thing to him in his world); to his not knowing what to say & thinking it over; to ... Really... Thousands of reasons he may not have responded.

If you go over to the "Things to never say to a PTSD sufferer" thread? You will find the exact opposite answers right next to each other all the time. Because people want to hear different things. Some people are going to be hurt that there's no response (as you are), whilst others would be relieved that it hasn't affected your working relationship & it's business as usual, meanwhile others feel profoundly respected.

Speaking as a suffer : There's no right way to respond to a sufferer... Because we're all different.

Speaking as a supporter : There's only each person's own way of responding, what's right for ourselves. Someone tells me X, I react in Y way. Because that's my way of reacting, for my own reasons. That's my responsibility, & how they take it is their responsibility. Unless you're their parent, or their therapist? It's not your job to put aside what's best for yourself & figure out what's best for them.

 

[Bernice]

I am sorry your going through this ... I have not begun to open up to people and i dont think it wi...

It was a couple weeks ago now. I don't really have any hope he'll reply at this point. I regret the whole thing. I feel bad for him that I unloaded that on him because he obviously wasn't up for it. Thanks though for your reply. :)

 

[Bernice]

Yeah so sorry. My deal went down last week too. With a woman I hadn't spoken with for 15 years. A person...

Maybe we just need to find the right friends to talk to... I've told other people and have had really kind responses that have helped me feel better. So, I recommend don't give up on talking, just try other people if you're up for it?

I have no idea what i'm talking about though

 

[Bernice]

There could be a thousand reasons he didn't respond. From this being his way of showing you respect by n...

Thanks for your response. Maybe he is trying to maintain boundaries with me like you said. I'm not his student anymore (I graduated) though so, in my opinion, it should be fine to talk about it now. But, that's just my opinion and maybe it's not his. I guess it isn't his responsibility to respond. No reaction/response must be what is emotionally the best for him if that is what he has chosen. And, he's my friend so I want him to do what's best for him. I'm still sad though.

 

[Justmehere]

It's great you are reaching out and getting supportive responses most of the time. Disclosing over text or email is understandable and is more likely to lead to miscommunication and misinterpretations because the immediacy and non-verbals are not there. I'd try to not interpret it as meaning this or that without him saying directly what a lack of response means.

Even as a sufferer, I don't always respond on email to everything people share with me, for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with the other person. One example: email is not a private form of communication. Most people think it is, but it's not. If he is emailing from faculty email account, then it's especially not private, but a record of the educational institution. He could be trying to protect your privacy, in addition to holding professional boundaries. Another example: sometimes I want to write back, but I don't because I don't really have the right words to express what I feel and I don't want the other person to take it the wrong way. You never know, it could be that your struggle reminded him of something he's dealing with or been through and he just didn't have words to respond because of that.

Don't take it as a statement about you. If you meet up again for coffee, then I'd actually ask him why he didn't respond. Otherwise, keep the focus on all the great support and responses you have received.

 

[EveHarrington]

I hope it's ok to respond.

I'm a sufferer but I have had people disclose their trauma to me so in that sense I was in more of the supporter role even though I am not a supporter per se.

Sometimes you just don't know what to say. These are very heavy things being disclosed, and sometimes you just don't know how to respond in the right way.

I also think that some people just can't handle such heavy topics.

I think it's great that you are disclosing, but it also highlights the fact that it's very important to pick and choose who we disclose to. Do I think you made a mistake in disclosing to him? Heck no! You took a chance and that was awesome! But you're also learning that not everyone can be supportive in the way we want them to be. (I'm still learning this one myself!)

So congrats on reaching out! It took courage. I encourage you to keep on reaching out. Just keep in mind that not everyone will be able to support you. (But keep tryin!)

 

[Bernice]

I hope it's ok to respond.

I'm a sufferer but I have had people disclose their trauma to me so...

Thank you for your response. Thanks to everyone, really. I thought an email to my mentor would be a safe way to tell him finally but it was still scary and then his non response was scary too to me. Everything is pretty scary and hard I guess. I'm going to keep going over to myself what you all have responded so far because it helps me. It's all been very kind and helpful. I expect a lot of other people have met radio silence to telling someone about PTSD/didn't like that so I hope that this thread helps other people too. I think it might be easier on me to back off on trying new people to talk to about it and maybe just use these forums on myptsd for a while until I get my courage back up enough to talk to anyone again in person. I'll keep pushing myself later but not right now.