Question From An Employer

[GrahamCracker]

KVal,

I speak here as a manager and as a person with PTSD. I think your employee is the only one who can make the decision to return. It seems as though you have given her alternatives that are reasonable (work from home and part-time). While your intentions are good, it is sometimes very stressful for us PTSD sufferers to maintain the boundaries that we need when we feel we are letting people down. Encouraging her to come back after such a long break may not be what's best for her. If she were to return and fail to perform the job functions as needed, it could put further strain on her emotional state and on your mentor relationship with her.

I admire that you are trying to understand her situation but I do believe that offering accommodations or bringing her into a discussion of such things is best mediated by an HR professional who can potentially offer her resources in addition to helping facilitate accommodations. I don't know what your company's HR style is. Since you say you work in finance, they may well be too hard line to make this work. It may not be an industry that it is healthy for her to maintain employment in if they can't work with her.

Unless you are able to stick out a conversation where you can ask her whether she will return and what her feelings are about that (again, I'd refer to HR for phrasing) and sort of give her an ultimatum or timetable, I'd leave it alone.

These things are so difficult to navigate and I wish there was a simple answer. I am dealing with a bit of a PTSD setback with my work at the moment and it is very challenging and stressful.

~GrahamCracker

 

[KVal]

Thanks GrahamCracker. That is very helpful.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Kval,
Please don't be scared off by the bitter ones who question your intentions. Good god, are we so jaded as a society that one can't care to this level for an employee/friend?!? I wish more employers were like you!

I think it's awesome that you are here. I think it's awesome that you want to help her come back to work. I think it's awesome that you want to learn about PTSD.

 

[Deleted member 14359]

Please don't be scared off by the bitter ones who question your intentions. Good god, are we so jaded as a society that one can't care to this level for an employee/friend?!? I wish more employers were like you!

I think it's awesome that you are here. I think it's awesome that you want to help her come back to work. I think it's awesome that you want to learn about PTSD.

Couldn't have said it better myself!

Kval, please don't lose faith, you are one in a million! If more employers were like you the world would be a more accepting and happier place.

As for HR, I don't know how hard hitting or rigid your's is, but in my experience...the minute they got involved things went down hill and I ended more stressed out than before. Going to HR gives a bunch of right wing a*se wholes on a power trip to do as they will without any understanding. Just a little bitter here.

People with PTSDtend to have trust issues, me included, so it may well be that despite how close you think you are she does not trust you. If you push her to open to you, you may well push her further away.

I think writing to her and placing it in a card is a good idea. It shows you are there for her, willing to listen and hear and compromise for you both. Making it just about her will add to her negative thinking, so perhaps make sure it is well balanced - the need for her to return is for her as much as the business.

She will tell you what she wants when she is ready, that is extremely hard to do for someone with PTSD. If she choses not to open to you, then dont take that personally or feel you have to try harder - you may push her away further if you do push her.

Perhaps read the info on this site to understand more or start a thread posing questions for others to answer for you - similar to how you have here.

All the best, good luck. JJ.

 

[twopenny]

Sidestepping the potential legal minefield (although I have no idea of how much of a minefield it is in the US, you can get into all sorts of trouble for pestering people on sick leave in the UK (assuming that's how they feel))...

I think part of the problem is that her reasons for being unable to work could fit into any of a thousand categories. She may not be able to face work - she may not be able to concentrate - she may be unable to function day to day - she may be unable to step outside the door - she may be unable to do normal routine tasks - she may have serious memory problems - she may just be in a place where she needs time and space to get past whatever she's dealing with - she may have serious depression - she may have a head that's fogged by medication - she may have a mind that's just fuzzled - she may have self loathing - or any of dozens of other problems.

I do think it's fantastic that you're willing to try to help her, and that you want to learn more about PTSD, but that it may not be as simple as you think.

To do the latter, read every reliable piece of info and research you can get your hands on - read everything you can about the things that sufferers (and supporters of sufferers) are dealing with day to day, and it will give you an idea of what she may be dealing with.

If you are really her friend (rather than only a work colleague), get in touch and ask if she wants to meet up sometime, away from work, and without mentioning work. In short, be a friend. See if she needs any help with anything, from just someone to talk to, to help with shopping.
If, in reality, you are a colleague, then (with the aid of your HR department if you have one), get in touch in the way that GrahamCracker suggests.

 

[twopenny]

Cross posted with [DLMURL="https://www.myptsd.com/c/members/ja9w.14359/"]JA9W[/DLMURL] - I agree regarding the trust issues - my hub is on sick leave at the moment, and his boss insists on 'checking in with him' once a week to 'see how he is'. Any trust there was between them has utterly gone. (I never trusted him on instinct, but, trust issues...).

And fair point about HR people being good at making things worse.

 

[cherryblossom]

KVal, I haven't read all the responses to your post in too much detail, but I have seen that you've had mixed responses.

Personally, I think it's great that you want to support this young lady back into employment. I hope she knows how valued she is?

The thing with PTSD is, that unless she's open with you about exactly what is stopping her coming back to work, you can't really help put anything in place. And it's impossible for any of us to speculate exactly what is stopping her.

And there is a fine line between wanting to help and appearing like you are harassing her. Again that depends on how she is feeling, and also how she feels about you. Whether she sees you as a friend, or whether she sees you as a boss.

I think you should simply explain to her that there is no pressure to come back to work, whilst also telling her she is missed, and a great asset to the team. Let her know that you want to help her to get back to work, by considering any changes that she might need. Let her know that your door is always open for her to come to you with any work-related issue.

I'm not sure that you can do any more beyond that. Again it's a fine line between concern and harassment, but you need to keep regular contact with her - even if it's just a letter every couple of weeks stating the same things outlined above.

 

[BloomInWinter]

It's wonderful that you care.

It also can be a sign of unhealthy co-dependency, which could be greatly harmful to you both. Hence, the questions about your motivation. Wanting to "rescue" someone who hasn't ask for your help is admirable. All you can do without violating her boundaries and rights for autonomy, is to make a sincere offer to try to help, ask if she'd want to...and then, leave it all up to her.

We may believe we know what someone else needs, but that is just a feeling. If she's not responding to your offer, that is her answer to you. She has then decided to live her life another way, which is her right.

People want to give many of us our lives back. Yet, for many of us further in our healing, we don't want those lives...they aren't the life we want anymore. When our supporters judge our progress by how close we are to being the person they new before, we are set up to always fail that test. This becomes an emotional burden which we can't carry for long and we end up having to distance ourselves because it is too painful and holds us back.

My best suggestion is to accept her as she is right now with no expectations. Live your life as you wish, and perhaps keep inviting her as a friend to be a part of it sometimes. A dinner, or a movie...something that has no relationship to the trauma or you trying to "fix" her.

As an employer, set up your expectations, and don't insult her by setting them so low it makes it seem you think she's incompetent. Offer to have her input on those expectations, and a reasonable timeline for meeting them. Also, reasonable consequences for not. Offer her an out, too, if she wishes to. Let her know you will be happy to take her on again as an employee should she wish to work again, but that you'll be happy to be a reference for her if she doesn't.

But she is a different person now. Let her be who she is, how she is. Don't bring up her former self or the past because it may just trigger more avoidance.

 

[circe47]

I'm in awe of the fact that you actually care- Kval- and I mean that in the most flattering way. I had a bad experience with my last employer NOT being understanding and actually allowing others to engage in hostile and bullying behavior that triggered and exacerbated my delayed onset PTSD from years and years of bullying and interpersonal violence. I hate to wish ill on anybody, but I would have loved for them to step into my shoes for just one day.

If you are truly flexible and able to allow a work from home situation, you have the wonderful opportunity to help another and I say to just put it out there for your friend that she has a friend and supporter. As a person with PTSD, it would have meant the world to me for my former employer and co-workers to be supportive of me as not only as a valuable team mate, but as a human being with a personal life as well.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I am also in awe of the fact you care. I was a nurse in a hospital, and well respected before I had my breakdown. They couldn't get rid of me fast enough. I was treated badly by my former boss and HR. You keep being you, the world needs more caring people.

 

[Abstract]

I'd love for her to come back, both because I think it's important for her personally and because she's a valuable member of our team here.

I'd also like to better understand some of the issues and fears that have held others back because I'd like to find ways to address them or mitigate them.

Hi,
Thank you so much for posting here and I just wanted to say that you touched me in way that was more than a little surprising to me. I struggle to think that anyone genuinely cares and is willing to see past the PTSD to the talents and human being beyond. I am totally stumped as to why you got some of the responses you did and hope it doesn't leave too much of a bad taste with you about all of this.

I see zero in what you wrote as codependent, harassing or any of the other things that quite frankly make less than no sense to me personally. The assumption that merely putting options to her and wanting to understand the issue more is these things is to me an assumption that she can't make her own decisions. Members deciding for her that having these things offered is not good for her rather than letting her do so.

I too have had employees who I have greatly valued for their skills and personality and whose welfare I have cared about as a result of that and as result of having a good and friendly colleague/friendship relationship with them. There have been a couple with extra requirements that I have happily managed to work around and it worked out well for all.

These are common things that can hold someone with PTSD back from attempting work:
*Shame at not being able to perform at the previous level.
*Inability to be consistent.There is often no forewarning to when one has an attack and that can make us unreliable, potentially late and sometimes unable to be around others.
*Noise and too much interaction with others can be strain.
*Less ability to deal with conflict or aggressive/high pressure situations.

Realising these things could of course make you reconsider that there is way of her being able to manage this type of work.

There are sure to be other personal things that may be an issue. Some of those could be triggers that link back to her trauma and that would be personal to her.

She may not be able to work regardless but for some it can be enormously helpful if some accommodations are made to help facilitate these issues and for some working part time can be a help with recovery. That could well influence her decision to come back. If she decides it isn't something that she can do or that she wants to do then there is no harm done.

Thank you again from me personally. I am trying not to let some of the responses here undo what your post and you have given me.

 

[circe47]

:):):):):) hooooray for great bosses!

If your employee doesn't come back....I'll work for you- Kval!