Childhood Question

[Copper Princess]

Because your mom is broken and should be locked up and not allowed to raise children, or be around children...

@anthony maybe she broken. He was released from prison about 6 months ago. He has been in and out of prison all of his adult life. Not for the same things though.

 

[Copper Princess]

Standing up for yourself with her will be one of the most empowering thing you can do to save your own li...

Thank you!! Good for you for being able to stand up for your self. I did not realize what was really going on with me until I started talking to my therapist. I have not opened up to her like I should and I know that. I am trying but once I told my mom and nothing was done I didn't it mattered and I lived life with this attitude. I just fell I to abusive relationships all of my adult life and I am learning that ignoring what I am really feeling is not a good way to handle it.

 

[ladee]

What you feel and think is very important.
We were all LIED to. That we didn't matter, That nothing about us mattered. LIES,every last one of them.
So we have been given an oppurtuniy to matter. We will and can make it happen.We can find our voice!

 

[VioletButterfly]

@Copper Princess - Please take to heart all that @ladee and @Gia1019 have shared. Much wisdom and perspective!

I stayed in the picture with my mother due to an unhealthy enmeshed relationship/family dynamics, engrained thought patterns, and out of a sense of "duty" as a good Christian daughter. I regret this decision and the myriad of decisions that followed to support my staying in the picture. Now Mom is gone, and I am left to sort out and heal from the consequent damage. I chose to not take care of myself and instead put my energy into taking care of her. My friend said I'd regret it if I left my mom to fend for herself, and since Mom's death has told me that at least I have no regrets. She is wrong, I regret not protecting and advocating for myself.

Save yourself. Tell your mother to leave and cut off contact with her. Live YOUR life, unencumbered. YOU matter.

 

[VioletButterfly]

@Copper Princess - It occurred to me last evening and has been weighing on my heart ever since that I was a bit emphatic/strong minded in my response to you. In looking at what I wrote, I believe I was speaking from a place of pain at the loss and damage I've experienced from caring for my mom. Caring for her took up a lot of my days and nights for many years when I so badly needed to take care of myself. She is/was also the major cause of most all that that I've been working to recover and heal from. There is now a vacuum for me to spin in since now my time is mostly my own, and I now have to consider where I'm at and where to go from here. There is anger, pain, fear, etc... to deal with and a lot of work. I just didn't want this outcome for you, but that's not for me to know in advance or to control. Also, you are fully capable of making up your own mind and life works out as it works out. What I can offer is support for whichever way you go in this decision.

All that to say, I'm sorry for letting my feelings color my response to you and for, in any way, being directional with you. This is your decision to make, and must come from an agreement between your heart and mind. Peace and strength be with you. VB

 

[Copper Princess]

@Copper Princess - It occurred to me last evening and has been weighing on...

@VioletButterfly I did not feel that way at all. I appreciated what you wrote. Please don't feel that way. Thank you for opinion and your words. I have read what everyone wrote several times. Unfortunately I am using this site for a lot of support and understanding.

 

[VioletButterfly]

Unfortunately I am using this site for a lot of support and understanding.

Thank you for your response. I wanted to address what you wrote above. I'm glad that you found the forum. I hope it provides you with what you need in terms of information, support and understanding.

 

[Sideways]

. I agree with my T that she needs to go but my heart hates to see anyone homeless and me be the cause.

I'm going to put what's likely to be an unpopular alternative way of looking at your current situation...

Yes, you mother failed you miserably in protecting you from your cousin, and healing from that may require some degree of physical seperation to allow the emotions space to work through the healing process (which may or may not include forgiveness- that's entirely your call).

But booting mum out and making her homeless?

Telling you she needs to go is easy until I put myself in your position. Would I make my (otherwise reasonably good???) mother homeless because of that one heinously bad choice she made when I was a child?

Honestly I don't think I would. I don't think I could. My healing process is first and foremost about my relationship with myself, and watching my mum struggle with homelessness for failing to protect me when I was a child - in my situation she did a lot of other good things for me. Failed miserably in protecting me from my abuser, but sadly, so many millions of mothers all across the world are guilty of that. That's not an excuse, but it would place my decision about whether to boot her out in context.

Would I have a good, healing relationship with myself if I made my mother homeless for what was a heinous, but sadly very human, error on her part? No, I don't want to be that person.

What I would try and do is be more assertive with her that her living with me is not a permanent solution, and really activating the "You need to find new housing" button with her.

There is no onus on you to house your mother. There is no onus on you to ever even forgive her. But what is your relationship with yourself going to look like if you make her homeless? Idk, only you can answer that...

 

[Copper Princess]

@Ragdoll Circus unfortunately this is just the beginning of where things began. Our relationship has been damaged and irreparable for many years. I appreciate you responding.

 

[The Albatross]

Personally I have found no real peace, calm, solace or improvement with this: "We were all LIED to. That we didn't matter, That nothing about us mattered. LIES,every last one of them".

I'm with Ragdoll.

 

[Copper Princess]

Thank you for your opinions.