Lady of Longbourn
VIP Member
Sorry this so jumpy. I really need to get this off my chest. Its becoming very painful.
I am a little (Okay a lot) confused about the relationship with my mother. I figured out my father is a toxic person, and I don’t want anything to do with him. But then there is my mother… sometimes; I can’t see a huge difference between them.
Father: [DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/i-just-ended-the-relationship-with-my-father.18077/[/DLMURL]
My mother told me once she married my father because she was desperate. She thought that because everyone else around her was married and having kids she should be too. My father used to love telling me about how my mother had relationships before they knew each other where she had abortions. He would always belittle her. The stories can change. She told me once after my father had been abusive (They were divorced and living in different states. I went to see my father during school holidays) and hostile towards me that he had also been abusive towards her where they were married. He broke her arm, he would hit her, push her. I believe her and still do becasuse I have seen how my father acts. Years after she found out I had been sexual assaulted she told me my father had raped her, and sexual assaulted her many times. While I see that its completely likely that he did… It just also made me weary that she says things like that…after I mention it. Does anyone understand what I mean? I am struggling to explain it.
My mother started living with my future stepfather when I was 9 years old and married him when I was 13. He is a very cold person, and never had any idea how to treat me. I did horrible at school. My mother was ill before she met him, and was not able to care for me very much. I would go to school dirty, and was made fun of a lot at school. I still have flashbacks where I can smell myself. They had me on Ritalin, which caused me to be very depressed. My teacher would make fun of me in front of the class. I was always treated like I was stupid. Teachers would hand me answers to tests and homework. I was sent to CMC ( a small classroom I think mostly for kids with learning disablies), they were supposed to help us learn the class work, instead they would give us the answer and told us not to tell. I got it into my head they I could not do it, that I was stupid. And this countuies even now. I was very depressed as a child, and had bad sleeping problems. Bathroom problems and temper problems. I was hungry, meals where not a normal thing. I would call my grandfather and tell him I was hungry. He didn't know what to do..it tore him up. She seemed to forget about school lunch, and I never ate breakfast. I would call my grandfather and tell him I was hungry. This made school worse, and if I wasn’t depressed then I was to tired to do focus on school. All reinforcing the “I am stupid” thing. My doctor’s think I was misdiagnosed as a child, that I actually had Bipolar disorder…which I am diagnosed as having now. T also thinks my father or someone might have touched me as a child. I probably had PTSD then.
My best friend ( and only friend besides my dog) died of cancer when I was 12 years old. I never cried. Instead my mother did, and I had to comfort her.
When I was about 13 years old, I started going to internet chat rooms. I was very lonely and depressed, and the people on there seemed to love to know me. I didn’t realize I was being groomed for sexual things ( please see;http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Child_grooming) , I was to young and to social rejected to even know who to tell. My stepfather was turning my mother more against me. He seemed to hate me and barely tolerate me. I never realized it was wrong, I finally had someone to talk too, so talking about sexual things with them was a small price. I suddenly had all these men who seemed obsessed with me, who would miss me when I was gone. Ask how my day was and just talk to me. Soon I was talking on the phone with them and using webcams. I cried the first few times I showed them my body on webcam but I got used to it. I was soon doing that for groups of men. But I always had someone to talk too. Where was my mother? I don’t know. Even my T is confused a bit here. He told me “ I would have never left a child alone for so long.” My mother would go days with not talking to me, she wouldn’t usally ask about school or homework. She would never come to just talk to me, it was always for a bad reason. I would become scared if she talked to me thinking “What did I do now?” Meals were still…not so normal. Dinner was better, but my stepfather would often take most of the food. I learned to not eat much the first helping for some reason, even though I knew he would take it all. I never ate lunch or dinner. Often I was to depressed. I never got enough sleep.
Once they found a sexual chat I had been having with a man. They were angry with me and I just sat there and said “ I don’t know” a lot. I was treated like I was a very bad kid. I still wonder how they could have not seen how depressed I was. My mother told a few months ago, that my stepfather, who is a doctor, also thought I was Bipolar and didn’t have ADHD. Then why didn’t she do anything? Why didn’t she get me help? I didn’t know how or who to tell/ask. I was becoming to brainwashed with the grooming, feeling it was completely normal and healthy. I didn’t realize I was depressed, not really at least. I knew something was wrong but I was sure what. I soon learned that maybe this was me. I was given a social worker after my father was abusive to me. I didn’t know how to explain anything to her. I didn’t completky realized that almost everything in my life was wrong. Nothing was stable. I tried to tell her about how my stepfather treated me, with hatred. She seemed to treat it like I was just ‘being a teenager’,…at one point she told me that she has other clients who “have been abused and raped, so much worse then anything you have suffered”, I stop talking to her.
School didn’t get any better. I was alienated by other students and never had any friends for very long. People were starting to realize I was not dependable. And that I was stupid. My parents didn’t treat me like I had a chance at anything. My father would drop comments about how I wouldn’t graduate high school.
I would always listen to music to escape, that was my only relief.
Sometimes I would get a teacher who seemed to look threw me and actually try to teach me something. One of them was a math tutor. She was nice to me and patience. She seemed to realize I never learned math past multiplication. She would teach me and realized I was good at it. I was shocked that I could do math! But nothing like that latest very long, with all the negative factors around me it was easy to fall again. Which I did, all the time. I never remember being happy, for years. Years.
Where was my mother?
When I was 17 years old I re-met a guy I knew in another high school. He soon turned out to be obsessed with me just like those men on the internet. He would always would to see me and cry if he couldn’t. He would control me. Soon he was raping me…and I wont go on, I have talked about this a few times on the forum. I got pregnant and lost the child. All by myself. We lived together during my senior year, he started having people with me all the time. He would sneak me to his work to watch me. I thought this was normal. I didn’t totally make the connection. I knew he was raping me, I just felt crippling horror and fear of him killing me. Who could I tell? Once, when he was about to rape me, he got a knife. And for the first time, the crippling fear was there, but so was ‘run’. I was naked in another room, I would have to run past him to get in front of the house. I wouldn’t be able to grab a phone but I could scream. What if he caught me? Worse…what if no one was there? I didn’t run…I layed there and let him. I screamed but…I felt like a completely coward and after that I told myself this was my life now. Always being sexual abused. Always depressed. Always belittled. And stupid. My T tells me, that one day I probably would have tried to kill him.
This all happened under my mother’s nose. In her yard, in her house. I was being raped all the time. When I finally left him…my mother thought I left because we couldn’t pay the rent. She was blind to my pain. It was so obvious to me now, I was probably completely transparent.
I lived with them after I left my rapist. I knew now something was badly wrong with me. I was starting to realize I need help. My T says at this point I should have been hoslipaized, probably for months. I was looseing my mind. My mother wanted me to be “independent”, she always pushed for me to leave her house. I was 19. My stepfather was at a all time hate level.
I needed help. I need a break. Instead my mother pushed me to buy a 23,000 dollar car. I didn’t even have a job. When I got a job, I couldn’t pay my bills. Some months I simpletly didn’t have enough money. Some I was to out of control. Looking back I was probably swinging from Mania to Bipolar depression. I don’t rapid cycle so much now, but I am learning that environment really really effects Bipolar Disorder and its course. I was drinking and did some prostitution when I wasn't able to pay that damn car payment. I was having sex with men a lot, unprotected. And would get STD’s. My mother still wanted me out. She finally let me see her therapist. Who thought my problems were small ones. He was shocked to find out they weren’t. He didn’t know how to help me, he didn’t connect the dots like My T now easily did. My parents would fight over who would pay for the therapy they thought I didn’t need. I could not afford it.
Going to have to finish this later. And add more later.
The bottom line is ( sorry its taken so long to get there)…Now I am in college. Very happily married, and finally in a completely healthy relationship. I am starting to realize that my relationship with my mother is NOT healthy. She still belittles me, she thinks the problem with my stepfather when I was 9 and older was my fault, that he treats me that way because “ I was so bad to him…” Which I don’t remember, I remember the opposite. She is in denial about almost everything. She knows I am ill and accepts it. But there is that…felling of being so angry with her. Now that I realize how awful she was. She was an accessory to my abuse, wasn’t she? I am not sure.
I still love her…but I worry that I love her because I am almost brainwashed into thinking all that was still my fault. That in reality I just tolerate her. That I didn’t really love her.
Have to finish this later. I am sorry its so long. I had to write it all down. And God there is so much mosre...Things I really need to share. I feel a bit like a hypocrite for saying all this, as I give advice about relationship on this forum...
I am a little (Okay a lot) confused about the relationship with my mother. I figured out my father is a toxic person, and I don’t want anything to do with him. But then there is my mother… sometimes; I can’t see a huge difference between them.
Father: [DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/i-just-ended-the-relationship-with-my-father.18077/[/DLMURL]
My mother told me once she married my father because she was desperate. She thought that because everyone else around her was married and having kids she should be too. My father used to love telling me about how my mother had relationships before they knew each other where she had abortions. He would always belittle her. The stories can change. She told me once after my father had been abusive (They were divorced and living in different states. I went to see my father during school holidays) and hostile towards me that he had also been abusive towards her where they were married. He broke her arm, he would hit her, push her. I believe her and still do becasuse I have seen how my father acts. Years after she found out I had been sexual assaulted she told me my father had raped her, and sexual assaulted her many times. While I see that its completely likely that he did… It just also made me weary that she says things like that…after I mention it. Does anyone understand what I mean? I am struggling to explain it.
My mother started living with my future stepfather when I was 9 years old and married him when I was 13. He is a very cold person, and never had any idea how to treat me. I did horrible at school. My mother was ill before she met him, and was not able to care for me very much. I would go to school dirty, and was made fun of a lot at school. I still have flashbacks where I can smell myself. They had me on Ritalin, which caused me to be very depressed. My teacher would make fun of me in front of the class. I was always treated like I was stupid. Teachers would hand me answers to tests and homework. I was sent to CMC ( a small classroom I think mostly for kids with learning disablies), they were supposed to help us learn the class work, instead they would give us the answer and told us not to tell. I got it into my head they I could not do it, that I was stupid. And this countuies even now. I was very depressed as a child, and had bad sleeping problems. Bathroom problems and temper problems. I was hungry, meals where not a normal thing. I would call my grandfather and tell him I was hungry. He didn't know what to do..it tore him up. She seemed to forget about school lunch, and I never ate breakfast. I would call my grandfather and tell him I was hungry. This made school worse, and if I wasn’t depressed then I was to tired to do focus on school. All reinforcing the “I am stupid” thing. My doctor’s think I was misdiagnosed as a child, that I actually had Bipolar disorder…which I am diagnosed as having now. T also thinks my father or someone might have touched me as a child. I probably had PTSD then.
My best friend ( and only friend besides my dog) died of cancer when I was 12 years old. I never cried. Instead my mother did, and I had to comfort her.
When I was about 13 years old, I started going to internet chat rooms. I was very lonely and depressed, and the people on there seemed to love to know me. I didn’t realize I was being groomed for sexual things ( please see;http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Child_grooming) , I was to young and to social rejected to even know who to tell. My stepfather was turning my mother more against me. He seemed to hate me and barely tolerate me. I never realized it was wrong, I finally had someone to talk too, so talking about sexual things with them was a small price. I suddenly had all these men who seemed obsessed with me, who would miss me when I was gone. Ask how my day was and just talk to me. Soon I was talking on the phone with them and using webcams. I cried the first few times I showed them my body on webcam but I got used to it. I was soon doing that for groups of men. But I always had someone to talk too. Where was my mother? I don’t know. Even my T is confused a bit here. He told me “ I would have never left a child alone for so long.” My mother would go days with not talking to me, she wouldn’t usally ask about school or homework. She would never come to just talk to me, it was always for a bad reason. I would become scared if she talked to me thinking “What did I do now?” Meals were still…not so normal. Dinner was better, but my stepfather would often take most of the food. I learned to not eat much the first helping for some reason, even though I knew he would take it all. I never ate lunch or dinner. Often I was to depressed. I never got enough sleep.
Once they found a sexual chat I had been having with a man. They were angry with me and I just sat there and said “ I don’t know” a lot. I was treated like I was a very bad kid. I still wonder how they could have not seen how depressed I was. My mother told a few months ago, that my stepfather, who is a doctor, also thought I was Bipolar and didn’t have ADHD. Then why didn’t she do anything? Why didn’t she get me help? I didn’t know how or who to tell/ask. I was becoming to brainwashed with the grooming, feeling it was completely normal and healthy. I didn’t realize I was depressed, not really at least. I knew something was wrong but I was sure what. I soon learned that maybe this was me. I was given a social worker after my father was abusive to me. I didn’t know how to explain anything to her. I didn’t completky realized that almost everything in my life was wrong. Nothing was stable. I tried to tell her about how my stepfather treated me, with hatred. She seemed to treat it like I was just ‘being a teenager’,…at one point she told me that she has other clients who “have been abused and raped, so much worse then anything you have suffered”, I stop talking to her.
School didn’t get any better. I was alienated by other students and never had any friends for very long. People were starting to realize I was not dependable. And that I was stupid. My parents didn’t treat me like I had a chance at anything. My father would drop comments about how I wouldn’t graduate high school.
I would always listen to music to escape, that was my only relief.
Sometimes I would get a teacher who seemed to look threw me and actually try to teach me something. One of them was a math tutor. She was nice to me and patience. She seemed to realize I never learned math past multiplication. She would teach me and realized I was good at it. I was shocked that I could do math! But nothing like that latest very long, with all the negative factors around me it was easy to fall again. Which I did, all the time. I never remember being happy, for years. Years.
Where was my mother?
When I was 17 years old I re-met a guy I knew in another high school. He soon turned out to be obsessed with me just like those men on the internet. He would always would to see me and cry if he couldn’t. He would control me. Soon he was raping me…and I wont go on, I have talked about this a few times on the forum. I got pregnant and lost the child. All by myself. We lived together during my senior year, he started having people with me all the time. He would sneak me to his work to watch me. I thought this was normal. I didn’t totally make the connection. I knew he was raping me, I just felt crippling horror and fear of him killing me. Who could I tell? Once, when he was about to rape me, he got a knife. And for the first time, the crippling fear was there, but so was ‘run’. I was naked in another room, I would have to run past him to get in front of the house. I wouldn’t be able to grab a phone but I could scream. What if he caught me? Worse…what if no one was there? I didn’t run…I layed there and let him. I screamed but…I felt like a completely coward and after that I told myself this was my life now. Always being sexual abused. Always depressed. Always belittled. And stupid. My T tells me, that one day I probably would have tried to kill him.
This all happened under my mother’s nose. In her yard, in her house. I was being raped all the time. When I finally left him…my mother thought I left because we couldn’t pay the rent. She was blind to my pain. It was so obvious to me now, I was probably completely transparent.
I lived with them after I left my rapist. I knew now something was badly wrong with me. I was starting to realize I need help. My T says at this point I should have been hoslipaized, probably for months. I was looseing my mind. My mother wanted me to be “independent”, she always pushed for me to leave her house. I was 19. My stepfather was at a all time hate level.
I needed help. I need a break. Instead my mother pushed me to buy a 23,000 dollar car. I didn’t even have a job. When I got a job, I couldn’t pay my bills. Some months I simpletly didn’t have enough money. Some I was to out of control. Looking back I was probably swinging from Mania to Bipolar depression. I don’t rapid cycle so much now, but I am learning that environment really really effects Bipolar Disorder and its course. I was drinking and did some prostitution when I wasn't able to pay that damn car payment. I was having sex with men a lot, unprotected. And would get STD’s. My mother still wanted me out. She finally let me see her therapist. Who thought my problems were small ones. He was shocked to find out they weren’t. He didn’t know how to help me, he didn’t connect the dots like My T now easily did. My parents would fight over who would pay for the therapy they thought I didn’t need. I could not afford it.
Going to have to finish this later. And add more later.
The bottom line is ( sorry its taken so long to get there)…Now I am in college. Very happily married, and finally in a completely healthy relationship. I am starting to realize that my relationship with my mother is NOT healthy. She still belittles me, she thinks the problem with my stepfather when I was 9 and older was my fault, that he treats me that way because “ I was so bad to him…” Which I don’t remember, I remember the opposite. She is in denial about almost everything. She knows I am ill and accepts it. But there is that…felling of being so angry with her. Now that I realize how awful she was. She was an accessory to my abuse, wasn’t she? I am not sure.
I still love her…but I worry that I love her because I am almost brainwashed into thinking all that was still my fault. That in reality I just tolerate her. That I didn’t really love her.
Have to finish this later. I am sorry its so long. I had to write it all down. And God there is so much mosre...Things I really need to share. I feel a bit like a hypocrite for saying all this, as I give advice about relationship on this forum...
