Questions About Dissociation

[Artfulone]

Dear Lizio,

It sounds very much like what you are describing are symptoms of DPAFU (depersonalisation and feelings of unreality) i.e. symptoms of dissociative depersonalization and dissociative de-realisation. It might help to try wikipedia and googling the terms with either a z or s for depersonalization. There is also the (DPU)Depersonalisation Unit at the Institute of Psychiatry at the Kings College in London, which is a world centre for research into DPAFU. In the last five years several books have appeared on the subject and can can be found on Amazon or through google books. Overcoming Depersonalization and Feelings of Unreality by Anthony S. David is a good book by the DPU. You can often read excerpts of the books through the "look inside" feature on amazon or a similar feature on google books.

Not looking into other peoples eyes and not focusing upon other peoples faces (or recognising their faces or facial features) is often connected to the symptom of dissociative de-realisation (detatchment from one's environment). Lots of the other stuff you describe may often connect to symptoms of depersonalisation. It made a real difference for me personally when I read a couple of these books, it really helped me get a handle on what was going on with some of these wierd things I was encountering and seeing them in the light of a series of symptoms such as depressive ruminating, anxiety, avoidance, etc.. Being able to pinpoint and become gradually conscious of some of the symptoms has assisted me in gaining more management of symptoms and the schemata (patterns/ scripts) that they can occur within in at times.

I hope this helps.....Best wishes on your journey.

 

[Shadowbreath]

Hi Lizio,

I agree with everyone here also. I had a bad childhood and was bullied at school as well. I have no memory of most of my childhood, between homelife and school, it's pretty much a blank, with a few memories here and there. I do the same things you do when I'm in therapy ( I have CPTSD as well) I am highly dissociative. I will stare off, still be able to talk though, mess with my jewelry, play with my rings. I also don't look at my T alot of the time, he told me that was dissociative and also a form of trying to "change the subject". I have a tendency when we talk about stressful, anxiety provoking things, mainly my childhood, and previous marriage, to do this. It is a defense mechanism I have perfected so much, it's involuntary now. I do have a tendency to switch sometimes to a younger type persona, but not all the time.

Hope this helps you, and I'm glad your on this forum,as it sounds like you have went thru alot of the childhood things and therapy stuff I did/am.

Best,
Shadowbreath

 

[Queen Boudica]

Hi Lizio,
I am highly dissociative. I will stare off, still be able to talk though, mess with my jewelry, play with my rings. I also don't look at my T alot of the time, he told me that was dissociative and also a form of trying to "change the subject". I have a tendency when we talk about stressful, anxiety provoking things, mainly my childhood, and previous marriage, to do this. It is a defense mechanism I have perfected so much, it's involuntary now. I do have a tendency to switch sometimes to a younger type persona, but not all the time.

Thanks so much Shadowbreath and Artfulalone. That is exactly what I do in the sessions. I really do have to start asking him about the dissociation.

I suspect I do the switching to younger persona thing as well but that was much more obvious to me in the session with the woman marriage counsellor this week. I felt just like I was a child and she was like the mother I would have liked to have, all nice and sympathetic and advice without being too pushy.

I wish he would just have told me I do that instead of asking me whether I think I do. How would I know? I keep reading about dissociation but it never really made sense until I started asking about it in this forum and real people tell me how they think it works for them. Then I can relate what I am doing. All I know is I do these things not that there is some name for it or some reason why I do it.

He must know I do if I do all those things in the session and he is watching me. So why doesn't he just say?

 

[Shadowbreath]

Hi Lizio,

If I were to guess, he wants to see what you'll say. Not in a bad sense, but in the sense of seeing where you are at with it, what your reaction is, just as a starting point for him to see where you are with it. I know my T does that too, which works for me, because alot of the time I will remember most of the session later, as in the next day or so. So it gives me time to think about things, and the next session, I will have questions, or I will do my own research on it and ask him about it. When I dissociate in therapy ( which like I said, is alot!) for me it makes sense for him to "feel it out" and let me work on it. I think as you progress and heal, you will find that your dissociation will get better, and then it might get worst again, which is completely normal. As you become more attuned to what you do, when you do it, you will be able to control it better, I will say that is what has happened with me anyway.

It sounds like your moving in the right direction.....It is nice that you have so much help.

Shadowbreath

 

[Queen Boudica]

Hi Lizio,

If I were to guess, he wants to see what you'll say. Not in a bad sense, but in the sense of seeing where you are at with it, what your reaction is, just as a starting point for him to see where you are with it. Shadowbreath

Yes I think he is doing that for most stuff in the session. Which I sort of like cause I think he is letting me work things out myself. (though that can lead to a whole lot of paranoia and worrying)

Anyway, I asked him about the not making eye contact and fiddling with jewelery and stuff and he just said that is a what people do when they are anxious. I also mentioned about the staring into space stuff and he said "a lot of people do that and it is normal" And, as for the different persona thing, that is normal, unless there is no memory when in the different states.

So I guess that puts me at ease that I'm not dissociating to any serious degree.

I think I've come to the conclusion that, anyway, I need to focus on ways to get me better and not on labelling myself as dissociating etc. I really just want to feel and do better.

 

[Queen Boudica]

Actually I think I've been dissociating by trying to work out dissociation, so that I don't have to deal with all the memories and pain and fear and bewilderment that keep overwhelming me

 

[Queen Boudica]

In fact, I started out the last T session by asking about dissociation and then we got onto stuff about my sister's suicide and my guilt and I started to break down and cry and he reached for a tissue and I just stopped the tears in their tracks. I switched in a second to asking him whether I do dissociate so that I did not break down and have to deal with all those emotions.

That scared me actually, that I can switch from breaking down to calm in one second flat.

Of course, that night I paid for stopping those emotions then. I was triggered by more stuff that my husband did and I was trying to read the BFG to my son and making a BFG voice whilst I was reading it and I just broke down and cried and cried in front of my son. And I don't want him to see that, but that's what happened, I just could not switch myself off then.

Yuk.

 

[SimplyComplex]

I can do that. It isn't like DID or that serious I dont think...just off ... on...off.

 

[Blondie362]

My family know when I am dissociating as I go into a transient stare, I also have the typical I'm there in the room with people but have that out of body looking down on myself feeling which is awful, if I hear a voice speaking and its mine , its like its coming out of somebody else's mouth.

 

[maddog]

For me, it usually takes the form of my feeling inherently disconnected from, and unable to influence, my emotions or resulting behaviours. It's as though I become an independent observer of myself, watching from close enough to have insight into and mastery of my own thoughts and cognitions, but absolutely no contact with emotional regulation. I watch myself feel and react and can even offer myself the intellectual analysis of "well, that's not very rational Maddog..." or "if you keep winding yourself up like that, something bad is going to happen" or "you need to be decatastrophising that Maddog or you'll get all worked up about something that probably won't even happen."

And then there is the totally inappropriate, spontaneous, paralysing numbness which is in complete conflict with something I have just or am experiencing, or with the thoughts and feelings in my head. Often, the more distressed I think and feel, the more numb and unaffected I behave, as though any extreme of thought or feeling prompts the opposite extreme in behaviour. This complete mismatch between thoughts, feelings and behaviour is one of my most defining features I think.

It feels like being a commentator for my own life, observing, noting, analysing, yet not really influencing at all.

Is that dissociation? Who knows... but it's a huge part of who I am, and it's hard.

Maddog

 

[jka37]

When I dissociate, I don't have any control over my body...I shrivel away in fear, my eyes open really wide, and then I'll start breathing or twitching or something...if my boyfriend tries to touch me, I pull away and don't even realize I did it sometimes.

I totally experience the cognitive dialogue that Maddog experiences. But that part of me that comments on my actions has no control over my actions.

Aaaand, that's why we have grounding techniques, right?