Questions From Trauma T Feel Manipulative

[DogwoodTree]

Sorry I've been slow to respond...we were out of town. I've been mulling all of this over in my mind the entire time, though, and also met with my regular T yesterday. We talked about this stuff the whole session.

Is it possible she is reading you as expressing skepticism?

Skepticism...yes, I'm somewhat skeptical that EMDR will work for me. And I think this might be the point at which I'm anchored on the wrong side of the fence. Whether or not EMDR will be effective...it's less likely to be so if I go into it anticipating failure. And perhaps this is part of what she was calling me on. But the skepticism is there, nonetheless. What do I do with it?

I've spent so much time in and around ministry approaches that rely on the person's "faith" that it will work in order for it to accomplish anything helpful, and if it doesn't work, well then the person didn't have enough faith. So I have a really hard time giving up the skepticism, since that's become my protection against spiritual brainwashing.

But I can still make space for a greater possibility of success. So this is one thing I'm working on.

My regular T...he helped me put more words to all of this. I realize that one thing I wanted from the trauma T was acknowledgement of the efforts I've put forth so far towards my own healing, rather than her seemingly minimizing whatever I've tried in the past. Even if I've not done "all the things" possible in trauma therapy, I've still been highly dedicated and focused on all of this for many, many years, and it felt like she was dismissing all of that.

I also realize that I've been able to express my fears and anxieties and concerns about possible therapies or actions or behaviors to my regular T for 2 years now, and he's never once questioned my commitment to doing the work. He says that "all the parts are welcome at the table" and sometimes, the parts with the most resistance to something actually can provide the most helpful insights into what's going on. But with the trauma T, I felt like those parts that are afraid of EMDR and of her are being dismissed or criticized or something instead of being listened to, and so now I'm afraid to express those concerns.

Regular T also pointed out that I place a heavy emphasis on accuracy, and he agreed with me that sometimes this might come across to some people as being argumentative, even though that's not what I intend to communicate.

And through all of this, he said over and over that talking about this with the trauma T is the meat of the therapy work right now. (dammit)

He said that it's the T's job to learn from the client how to do therapy with that client. Every client is different, and so the T needs feedback from the client in order to learn what the client most needs.

He also said that this T is known for keeping very good, healthy boundaries, and so he believes that relationship is a safe place for me to experiment with being more intentional about educating a T on what I need in therapy. (dammit)

He said this is a good place for a stronger sense of self to step forward and advocate for what I need. And what I learn from this process will be helpful with any T I might work with in the future. (dammit)

And he said that the rapport the trauma T and I build in the process of figuring out how to communicate all of this to her will only serve to strengthen the therapy relationship.

Nothing he said surprised me...I knew from the beginning that the right thing to do is to talk it over with the trauma T. I guess it boils down to...I just don't want to. I don't really like her much. But I will anyway, even if I eventually choose not to stay with her long-term.

I recognize that I often come across as being argumentative, and that's because I do so highly value accuracy. So in the stuff I'm now re-writing to take in to my next session with trauma T, I'm trying to focus instead on informing her about what I've learned about how my mind works and what I need in order to be as responsive as possible.

I realize that I go into some kind of preemptive shutdown as I walk into sessions with the trauma T, and so I'm not able to think as clearly as I should, and I don't experience myself at the same level of depth, richness, complexity, or clarity with her as I do when I'm alone. So I'm trying to explain all of that and hopefully, through my writing, she can see layers of my personality that don't come out face-to-face. By taking an informing stance rather than a defensive, argumentative stance, I hope this will be helpful to move things along rather than being at odds with her.

I feel like I'm having to manage the relationship, like I have to do with my mom, in order to prevent harmful and painful misunderstandings. This is frustrating. It seems my focus should be on doing my interior work, not on managing what someone else thinks of me. But I suppose it's educational in its own way, and hopefully will lead to doing the trauma work that will help me meet the goals that brought me into therapy in the first place.

It feels like...walking and walking and walking towards a hill, only to find that the "hill" is a mountain thousands of feet taller than you thought and a hundred miles farther away.

 

[Arebas]

I feel like I'm having to manage the relationship, like I have to do with my mom, in order to prevent harmful and painful misunderstandings. This is frustrating. It seems my focus should be on doing my interior work, not on managing what someone else thinks of me. [...]
It feels like...walking and walking and walking towards a hill, only to find that the "hill" is a mountain thousands of feet taller than you thought and a hundred miles farther away.

I've been reading this thread and I think your regular T is quite a good T. He's made some very good points and you already knew that was the way to go but, yeah, it's always nice to have someone we trust say we were right in assuming what the good course of action should be. Too bad it's all this difficult things! Reading your posts you seem like a very organized and logical person. The new T must learn to see that too. You're not confrontational, you just like to know why things are what they are and how to do them and you like knowing all the options. I don't see that as a bad thing in anyway, I'm a bit like that myself, but it's true that people often feel threatened when you question their methods and ideas. It's not that we think they're bad, it's just that we like to know what we're getting into. The new T needs to know that's not what you're doing and she needs to know that it really hurts you when she reacts like that. If she's as good as they all seem to think she is, she'll get it.

I've also had to go through the whole process of educating my T about how I am and how I think. She would tell me things that her other patients took on well but that really hurt me. She kept saying that I always caught her by surprise cause I always reacted in the most unexpected way. Even that bothered me cause I thought she should be better at anticipating what I'd do or feel, after all she was the trained one! It took a long time and lots of emails and letters and pointing out what I felt was the obvious but now she gets me a lot better and she was actually grateful for it. So, yes, I think that's the right way to go. And if that doesn't go too well, then you can be sure that this T was just not the right one for you. No matter how great other people think a professional is, we are all different and if she can't learn to adapt to your needs, there's only that much you can do about it. I'd say follow your regular T's advise and try to communicate but also listen to yourself. You can teach yourself to climb a mountain but if the mountain becomes the Everest, maybe there's someone else out there that is less "great" but is more willing to learn new things.

 

[scout86]

I feel like I'm having to manage the relationship, like I have to do with my mom, in order to prevent harmful and painful misunderstandings.

I'm not sure I can express this so it makes sense, but I think that's important. You felt/feel like you needed to manage the relationship with your mother. I had a similar experience. But, to the extent that I thought I actually had any real ability to 'manage' that relationship, I was kind of wrong. I could, sometimes, avoid appearing on her radar screen. I had little to no control over what her reaction would be if I did appear on that screen. She thought what she thought, felt what she felt, and those were both unpredictable and out of my control. It was hard to accept that, but useful to accept it. I think thinking we can 'manage' a relationship like that is.........'magical thinking?' maybe? It's trying to make ourselves feel safe by thinking we have more control over the situation that we actually do. We can control our part of the situation, but no one else's. I don't know if that's relevant to your situation or not.

I'm still not enthused about this trauma T, but like your regular one better all the time and I'm encouraged that he's being encouraging. Good luck!

 

[DogwoodTree]

Reading your posts you seem like a very organized and logical person. The new T must learn to see that too. You're not confrontational, you just like to know why things are what they are and how to do them and you like knowing all the options. I don't see that as a bad thing in anyway, I'm a bit like that myself, but it's true that people often feel threatened when you question their methods and ideas. It's not that we think they're bad, it's just that we like to know what we're getting into. The new T needs to know that's not what you're doing and she needs to know that it really hurts you when she reacts like that. If she's as good as they all seem to think she is, she'll get it.

This was a really helpful post to read, thank you. I think this is a fairly unusual approach for a woman to have towards things and people just don't expect it. It feels like a mistranslation--that I'm communicating one thing by my attention to detail and needing to understand, and she's perceiving a different message entirely. But to be fair, she might be feeling the same way on her side of it if I read too much into what she said. So I'm trying to step away from my hurt feelings and find ways to communicate across the divide between us.

She would tell me things that her other patients took on well but that really hurt me. She kept saying that I always caught her by surprise cause I always reacted in the most unexpected way. ... It took a long time and lots of emails and letters and pointing out what I felt was the obvious but now she gets me a lot better and she was actually grateful for it.

I've seen a few other of her clients as we pass in the waiting room, and they do seem to be especially feminine, put-together, well-dressed people. That's so not me. If she's expecting me to interact as they do and respond similarly to them, it's just not gonna happen. I could fake some of that, but then what's the point? Yes, I think I'm just gonna have to put some time into helping her understand how I think and what intentions motivate my responses to her. I really wanted to hit EMDR sooner rather than later and get it over with, but I guess a few more weeks working up to that isn't going to make that big of a difference.

But, to the extent that I thought I actually had any real ability to 'manage' that relationship, I was kind of wrong. I could, sometimes, avoid appearing on her radar screen. I had little to no control over what her reaction would be if I did appear on that screen. She thought what she thought, felt what she felt, and those were both unpredictable and out of my control. It was hard to accept that, but useful to accept it.

It's taken me a very long time to begin to accept this, mostly because my mom doesn't believe this. She thinks I should be able to perform and act and feel in all the ways she wants me to, and then she would be happy with me. So she keeps holding that carrot in front of me, and I keep reaching for it, but it's just an illusion...there is no carrot. I think I'm having some developmental issues here in not being able (thus far) to move away from the desire to please her. I feel like an 8-year-old kid trying to impress Mommy, but Mommy never notices. It's like she's seeing a completely different person in my place, and never responding to the real me.

So then with the trauma T...it felt like she was responding to someone who isn't even me. But I recognize that I'm not actually, fully me in these sessions with her. I realized that I do this preemptive shutdown with her similar to how I do with my mom and sisters...like you said, trying not to show up on their radar. Trying to not-exist, to not have the wrong thoughts or feelings or desires, or say or do the wrong things.

So I'm going to have to find a way to show this T who I really am inside, and reach out beyond that shutdown. I don't do as much "gray rock" with her as I do with my mom, but there's definitely some of that going on, and it doesn't seem to be within my conscious control. When I was there last time, I intentionally observed myself to see at what point the shutdown occurs. It hits hardest the first time I see her, when she first walks into the waiting room. I go from being aware of myself and the complexities of my inner personality, to barely being able to string together a coherent sentence (unless I'm reciting previously thought-out information, like telling my background story). I think that bringing in a significant amount of my writing for a while might help with this.

I'm still not enthused about this trauma T, but like your regular one better all the time and I'm encouraged that he's being encouraging. Good luck!

He's very good at what he does. I truly wish he had a deeper focus on trauma therapy so I wouldn't have to see someone else at all. There are times in marriage therapy with him that I've been floored by his creativity and intuition. Sometimes I wish I could shadow him all day long to watch how he interacts with other kinds of people and learn from that.

 

[joeylittle]

Yes, I think I'm just gonna have to put some time into helping her understand how I think and what intentions motivate my responses to her. I really wanted to hit EMDR sooner rather than later and get it over with, but I guess a few more weeks working up to that isn't going to make that big of a differenc

Just wanted to add a little comment here: a few more weeks working up to it could actually be the difference in whether you can stick with it - I'd see the time as an advantage rather than a disadvantage.

You might want to read some literature on EMDR that is written from a more technical/science perspective. Francine Shapiro, who created it, is quite articulate about it. There are questions around the eye movements themselves (oddly enough), and whether they are even necessary. But the core process has proven efficacy.

The more you can do on your own to address your skepticism around EMDR itself, will free up time in-session to be addressing the shutting down challenges you are facing.

 

[DogwoodTree]

There are questions around the eye movements themselves (oddly enough), and whether they are even necessary. But the core process has proven efficacy.

Yes, based on what I've read, it doesn't seem to have much to do with the eye movement itself, but more the bilateral brain stimulation. This is good because I can't stand the thought of looking at the T's finger as she swipes it back and forth. That seems bizarre and awkward and invasive to me.

It's not really EMDR itself that I'm skeptical about. I have read some of the research, and even though they don't really know how it works, it does seem to work. It's my ability to tolerate EMDR that worries me.

It's hard to explain, but due to a variety of factors, it grosses me out to think about someone creating a physical sensation in me. Whether it's buzzers or ear phones with a dinging sound or lights whizzing back and forth, it feels like an intrusion for someone else to have that much control over the sensations that come into my body. So that's one issue.

I also have a really hard time creating a connection to my genuine emotions on the inside while in the presence of someone else. It's not just these therapy sessions, it's all the time, to some degree or another. The only time I can access my real emotions is when I'm alone. How can I process trauma if I can't get to my emotions when I'm with the T?

I've read on here and in other places that EMDR has progressed to the point where it can be used to treat complex, long-term trauma. It feels like I'm going to trigger an avalanche by tapping into any single memory. And many of my memories are more patterns of behavior and treatment rather than individual incidents. At any rate, it's terrifying to open that can of worms.

But I also don't have much of a social support system to help me cope with what comes up. When I'm triggered, I push everyone away, and there's no way for anyone to provide comfort or encouragement. I've tried reaching out to people in those times many times, and it never works. It never helps, no matter how badly I want it to. I've finally come to a place of accepting that I'm on my own to get through the worst of those depression attacks, but if EMDR regularly triggers stuff before it gets to the point of resolving some of it, then I'm in trouble.

Even good times with people trigger shame attacks sometimes. On Thursday after having a pretty decently productive session with my regular T, and even though I felt stable leaving that appt, within a few hours there were some crazy yucky things coming up for no reason other than just hating myself.

Today I spent several hours with a friend going out for lunch and then watching a movie at her place. She's a good conversationalist, and we talk about all kinds of things together. But I suck at "hanging out"...I'm not a very fun person, and don't flow well, and I'm constantly working hard to try to figure out what I'm supposed to be saying or doing. As I drove home, I was flooded with guilt and shame for the fact she was around me for so long in one day. I'm not easy to be around, and I try to limit people's exposure to me, but today I let myself believe that she might want to spend time with me, and maybe she did, but I don't think she realized what a bore I am, and then she was stuck. I know it's not fair to interpret her experience of me for her...it's her choice whether or not she spends time with me, and she didn't complain or criticize or anything. But I know I'm not a fun person to hang out with. It felt like she was doing it just to be nice, not because she really enjoys me, and I felt horrible that I let it happen.

But even this explanation for what I've been feeling tonight doesn't make sense, so I don't tell people what I'm struggling with inside, and I have to work it out on my own. Of course I shouldn't feel badly about any of this. But I do. And I don't know how to stop it. So I spiral into self-destructive thoughts as the only possible way out, but that's not really an option, either. So there's nowhere for this stuff to go. It broils inside with no outlet. And that's just over having spent an afternoon with a friend. How much worse will EMDR stir stuff up, and my only resources are solitude and Star Trek reruns?

Maybe I'm just looking for excuses to avoid it. Or maybe the T can give good suggestions on how to compensate for these issues. But I have to be able to talk about these concerns without being afraid that she will be dismissive or defensive or avoidant...and talking about them coherently also requires that I be able to communicate adequately during the sessions, which isn't working yet. I tried to describe some of these things to her already, but she didn't really respond. Hopefully it will make more sense to her when I get all of this written out for her.

 

[DogwoodTree]

UPDATE

So last week, I brought in nearly 5 single-spaced pages of information that I thought might be helpful for the trauma T to know. This week, I typed out another 1.5 single-spaced pages and brought it in. Both times now, she's skimmed the papers at the beginning of the session, and asked a few questions. She even brought up pieces of it throughout the rest of each session. This week, I saw she still had my papers from last week with notes, and she had said she would read over it more thoroughly after last week's session, which I get the impression that she did.

At last week's session, the first session following the painful conversation that I've talked about in this thread, she began the session asking if there was any repair work we needed to do after the way the session before had ended. This annoyed me at first, like, "So are you purposefully creating a rupture in the relationship so we can then repair it and then things are supposed to automatically get better?" But I realized this was an over-reaction, and I don't truly think she intended to be hurtful before.

I told her that I felt like she had misread me, and my initial response was to write out all of the reasons why I disagreed with her. Then I realized that wouldn't be helpful, so I wrote out information that I thought would help her understand me better, and then I handed her those 5 pages. She apologized, saying she had not successfully communicated what she had intended to communicate before...mostly she meant to say that I had not tried everything even though it felt like I had, so there were still more options to keep trying. This was a little confusing, because I didn't make that statement until after she had said the things that were so hurtful, but I didn't want to argue the point.

At this point in the process, I'm not sure that I really care all that much whether she thinks I've diligently pursued healing all these years, or if I'm self-sabotaging. I don't care whether she likes me or respects me or enjoys working with me. She's providing a service that I need, and there's no more expectation on my part of developing deep admiration or a sense of closeness or personal trust in either direction than there would be in working with a car mechanic or an instructor at school or a medical doctor or a CPA. Ironically, this actually helps me to be more honest with her, and reduces my anxiety a bit so that I'm able to speak a little more freely. It's not that I think she's a bad person or a bad therapist, just that I don't think this is a great personality match-up (mostly because of problems on my end of it, not because of shortcomings on her side) and even if it was a good match-up, I don't think I'm capable of receiving emotional support or participating in emotional closeness in this way anyway.

She said today that she wants to make sure my expectations are appropriate for EMDR, and she realizes that I've already done a lot of work to manage my expectations. She says she's not sure how much of my problems with physical intimacy can be solved by EMDR, since a lot of that seems to be wrapped up in the autistic characteristics first rather than only being caused by the trauma history. This is very disappointing to hear, although I expected it and had come to much the same conclusion already myself.

She also said she hesitates to begin EMDR until we've done some sensorimotor psychotherapy and further explored resources and things like that. She has me reading Pat Ogden's Sensorimotor Psychotherapy workbook now. She pointed out a few things that she thinks EMDR will adequately address, and we talked a little about how I'm frustrated that this is moving so slowly but I understand why and my regular T had prepared me for this being the case.

So basically...I think she's handled all of this more or less appropriately. She's done nothing more that raises red flags and so I'm moving forward. I don't like it, I dread going into therapy, I don't like her, and I don't like working with her. But...

I read in the Ogden book about how our brains need a sense of safety in order to engage in socialization, because these two systems of defensiveness and sociability can't really co-exist without creating dissociative and disintegrative symptoms and structures in our minds. When a child grows up in a family that isn't safe, we end up with two sides of functioning that tend to show up heavily in therapy: a fighting side, and a fawning side. Sometimes in therapy, the client will "adjust their responses to further push away the not-me parts that were disconfirmed by their caregivers in order to try to stay 'safe' in the therapeutic relationship." And sometimes in therapy, the client will "experience strong negative feelings and reactions toward the therapist that interfere with social engagement." I think I've taken the first stance with my regular T, and that makes it very difficult for me to say anything that seems confrontational because I'm too busy trying to figure out what he wants from me and how I can adjust myself to what I perceive are his expectations (even though he's pretty good at not expressing expectations...which is extremely frustrating, lol). I think, to a degree, I had reached a plateau with him because I didn't want to bring anything into therapy that might make him think less of me (no matter how unlikely that would be, given his professionalism). With the trauma T, I've already taken the opposite approach, feeling strongly negatively towards her, and that makes it easy to feel attacked even if she isn't attacking. But the lack of fawning might make it easier for some of the deeper stuff to surface where it can be addressed and dealt with. So long as she is a competent trauma T who can hold her ground while also understanding the layers of complexity in the ways I relate to her, then this could at least contribute to progress, even if it doesn't accomplish my stated goals in seeing her.

That's the long way of saying, for the time being I'm gonna keep going with this and see where it takes me.

 

[scout86]

I'm glad you have us the update. There's some really interesting ideas there and what you said makes a lot of sense. And there's a lot there too think about too.

Good luck, going forward!

 

[DogwoodTree]

Another quick update after my session today...

We talked about this conversation again, the one that caused so much pain and confusion just before Xmas. Today she said that I was reading her right, that she was frustrated that day, and that I had accurately read her body language and everything (she had another term for it...can't remember now what she called it). She said I wasn't crazy for reading the signals I was getting from her in the way that I did.

She made these comments in response to my telling her that the way I usually deal with difficult conversations is to basically freeze during the conversation itself, then hash it out on my own or with other people (e.g., on here and also with a friend who has a trauma background), and then draw logical conclusions about how to handle the situation going forward. She said I didn't do anything wrong to talk about this conversation with other people, but she also asked what I thought might happen if I "hashed it out" with her instead.

So I guess that's a fair question. I'm not sure I could put a "hold" on the tension for an entire week between sessions, and that's why I resort to other resources for thinking it through. With my regular T, when something happens in session that is triggering, I don't usually notice it during the session or can't put words to it. So then I email him later. But by the time my next session comes around, I've already moved on and stabilized and don't really want to talk about it anymore. Even if we do talk about it, I'm emotionally distanced from it.

Is anyone else able to hold conflict with their T in limbo between sessions like that?

I think I'm also really afraid to discuss a conflict while I'm still upset about it. I need time to think it through and clarify what my concerns are and unearth my emotions and put words to it all. If I try to talk about it while I'm still upset, the words don't come, it doesn't make sense, and I end up feeling like a fool. It's like trying to bake a cake before you blend the ingredients...it doesn't work.

 

[Arebas]

I'm glad she told you that you had read her well. It's unnerving when people deny the tone in which the say something or the feeling behind it. Sometimes we can make mistakes but I think people like us are great at knowing how someone feels when they talk to us. We may have trouble anticipating their reactions cause we're used to deviant reactions from our families or other abusers, but we read so well. Good for her to acknowledge that and good for you for bringing it up again if it still bothers you.

I'm also really afraid to discuss a conflict while I'm still upset about it. I need time to think it through and clarify what my concerns are and unearth my emotions and put words to it all. If I try to talk about it while I'm still upset, the words don't come, it doesn't make sense, and I end up feeling like a fool. It's like trying to bake a cake before you blend the ingredients...it doesn't work.

I understand this feeling so well. I feel something, but don't know what it is, and I just want to say stop! There's something wrong here but I need quiet and space to think what it is and how to put it into words and make sense of it. I never do cause I'm always so embarrassed. I start shaking instead and force myself to not feel and not care and not think so I can continue and then I'm gone. It all comes back as soon as I leave and it's awful. I have no idea how to handle conflict, don't know yet how too hold it in between sessions either. I write pages and pages that I know will never share and go over it all the time. If it gets too much i write to my T but, like you said, then I pull myself out of it and it doesn't matter anymore so we don't discuss it further. I think that's the hardest thing for me to do cause it's present emotion triggered by past situations and it involves the one person I've seeked out for help... I have no clue of how to do that.

 

[DogwoodTree]

I think that's the hardest thing for me to do cause it's present emotion triggered by past situations and it involves the one person I've seeked out for help... I have no clue of how to do that.

Yes, exactly. Present emotions over past situations...and especially when it involves the T (or my one friend who has a trauma history and I've started opening up to her some).

I think there's probably a "sweet spot" in there somewhere...in that space where I'm starting to understand what I feel and could probably talk it out before I resolve it, but the chances of that time frame hitting during a scheduled session are slim to none. And I've never had a therapist who would correspond much at all by email...maybe an occasional confirmation that they received my message, but no ongoing conversation. And I get that. Their time is limited and this is what they do for a living, not just for the fun of it at any time of day. But I don't know how to get to a certain point of being communicative, and then put a freeze on all processing until I see the T again. I've done writing at different points in the process so the T can read what I was thinking at certain times, but that's not quite the same thing.

As for dealing with issues triggered by the T...I try to be honest with her about my thoughts. It's hard to say those things to her, but I think it's actually easier to say them to her than to my regular T because I don't care as much if she likes me or thinks well of me or continues to work with me. It would be hard if she cut me off, but not devastating. But at the same time, conflict with her cuts me off from that source of advice or guidance. Not seeing my regular T right now makes this especially painful. I feel like I'm drifting in the middle of nowhere.

With my regular T, it's rare that I feel like he "gets" me, but at least there's always the hope that "maybe next time, maybe then I'll feel heard and understood." The fact this so rarely happens for me is extremely painful, but I get over it and come back to try again. With the trauma T, I don't really care if she "gets" me, and maybe part of me doesn't want her to. I'm so used to hiding from my mom, and I'm not sure how to change that. So there's not even the "hope" right now that I'll find a sense of connection with her. Most of the time I distract myself from all of this with my work. But sometimes the hopelessness settles in again, and it hurts so much, and there's no solution.

I think some of this stuff with my regular T is based on fantasy, though. I think somehow it seems like if he understands me well enough that somehow I'll "feel loved". Maybe it's a stupid fantasy. But I see people comforting each other, and sharing things from their lives with each other, and feeling better as a result, and that's not the way I experience people. There's something about "being with" someone that I'm missing.

I know therapy is hard for most people, especially with a trauma background. But I see people walking out of therapy feeling better, feeling heard, feeling understood, feeling supported, feeling comforted. Maybe not always, but sometimes. Even after a tough session, my DH comes out maybe thinking more deeply than he's used to, but also feeling encouraged and connected in the process. Mostly all I experience in walking out of therapy is feeling different levels of destabilization. "How much did this session mess me up? How long will it take me to get a sense of my self back so I can be functional and productive again?" The only way I've found to minimize the destabilization is to go in with no desires and no expectations, and basically just wait the time out. That doesn't sound like what therapy is supposed to be doing.

 

[Arebas]

I also understand that feeling of "maybe next time he'll get it and things will click and he'll know what to say and I'll feel loved". I don't know if its fantasy or just hope. If you feel like no one has really understood anything about you ever and you've been always alone, then the one person who seems to be working towards communicating with you and really understanding how you think and what you feel becomes the silver lining of hope. Maybe the fantasy is waiting for that moment with things will just feel completely right. Maybe you have to think that his being there, trying, is what matters really. I'm not sure he's ever going to make you feel loved but I also think that comes from within. If he tries and cares and listens... doesn't that mean he values you as a person? He sees something worthy in you, and he thinks you are able to see it also, someday. Doesn't that mean that he loves you a little? He's not hateful, he's not indifferent so... he just cares. He won't love you like a child or a spouse or even a friend but he does care. That should count a bit.

But I see people walking out of therapy feeling better, feeling heard, feeling understood, feeling supported, feeling comforted. Maybe not always, but sometimes.

I hear you here too. I often walk out of therapy feeling worse. Cause I always want to accomplish something and it's never done. I want to feel more, express more. I want my T to say something that will make me break down the walls and let her in and feel and not be alone. And she never does. Some sessions are better than others but this cathartic moment when things just feel right never comes. But lately, I've been lowering my expectations and accepting that I do the best I can and she does too and then talking feels a bit easier. When I don't expect much, I feel like I can talk better. I'm less afraid to disappoint myself, or her, and it's easier to just say what I need. So I'm hopeful that one day I can also walk out feeling heard and understood.
I think we accumulate so many years of carrying it all inside that it takes extra time to finally connect. It's too much. Too many feelings, too much shame or anger or solitude to get past before we can really feel comfort.
But it will come. I am hopeful.