Quitting things

[somerandomguy]

I have an issue about quitting things because I don't deserve them.

I was recently accepted into a research study as a moderator and have been doing a lot of training. Recent extreme life changes have made it much more difficult for me to participate. Also, the stress of my life changes has basically made me permanently dysregulated. While I think (but am not sure) I can still be an effective moderator, I don't want to risk screwing up the group I was supposed to be moderating. Should I quit?

And I wonder how much of it is my quit-itis. I belong to another message board and posted about quitting because my trauma is different from literally everyone else's trauma. Yes, literally. Sometimes I think about quitting THIS board because ... well, because I don't deserve to be here, my trauma is unique, and someone of my gender shouldn't really comment on traumas the other gender experiences. And sometimes I even ponder quitting my job to let someone who isn't a white, straight male have the opportunity instead of me, since being white and straight and male means that I am automatically the worst kind of person.

So ... please help convince me that I shouldn't quit this totally awesome research study opportunity to help people? Or, alternatively, I guess, tell me why I should quit.

 

[Teamwork]

I challenge you to take this opportunity to do something different in your thinking to cultivate a new mindset that will serve you well in life. It may be something like instead of this, I will do that. When it looks like the outcome may be this or that I will........wait and see, or tackle one thing at a time or encourage myself to take one step forward to better myself or others. The mindset is not so much whether you deserve something or not but whether you can allow others to see the potential in you and to agree that you have something to offer no matter how small it is. The other mindset to cultivate is that if I am being counted on to do something I can do it to my best and let go of all the, I may not be the best choice for this but what the heck, if people see my value even when I do not, I will at least give it my best effort, whatever that is in my day to day attempts. Quitting sometimes is a fear of failure, a looking it all over and saying, no I cannot achieve this. When that is happening you have to sometimes step back a bit and look instead for the pieces that you know you can do and do them well and don’t worry about the rest.

 

[grit]

My only advise to you is this: please do not make a decision until you are back to functioning better.
I could sense a lot of self blame and self eating. Wait it out!

 

[scout86]

Sometimes I think about quitting THIS board because ... well, because I don't deserve to be here, my trauma is unique, and someone of my gender shouldn't really comment on traumas the other gender experiences.

I'm going to start with that. I think you make a positive contribution here and I'd miss you if you left. Sometimes it's that "different" perspective that brings a valuable insight.

As far as the moderator gig goes, maybe you should discuss that with your fellow moderators there? Or whoever's in charge there? Because what you're doing is "mind reading", when you think about it. And predicting the future too. I've noticed that sometimes all it takes to defuse these symptoms (because that's what they are) is talking about them with the other people involved. I'm pretty sure our moderators here have their good stretches and bad ones, but they keep going. (Maybe they even talk about it among themselves and help each other out as they can.)

At the very least, I'd say "don't just quit". Talk it over with the people involved. If they really think you can't do the job, fine, quit. But give them the chance to understand what's going on with you and weigh in on the matter.

 

[Neverthesame]

I want to try my best here and hope I don't f*ck it up, as I don't feel I've been very good at the communicating thing lately. I think you really deserve some feedback here, so here goes.

While I think (but am not sure) I can still be an effective moderator, I don't want to risk screwing up the group I was supposed to be moderating. Should I quit?

No.
I found in life it's better to know things than wonder about them.
Knowing is useful, second guessing is not.
You think you can still do it? Find out, then you'll know. Either way you learn something valuable about yourself.

Either you'll do well and learn you are able to operate effectively under pressure. Or you will discover a part of yourself you need to improve upon. I want to emphasise on something here.
Even if... IF... you don't do well, that does not mean you throw your hands up and quit. It means you look at the areas you need to improve upon, work on it and try again.

We can and do improve ourselves. If we didn't, I would still be acting like an overgrown toddler throwing a tantrum at every stressor that came my way. I'd also have been fired from the job that was sick of putting up with my shit.
I still work there, so clearly it's possible and not a delusion on my part.

Besides, what's the point of improving on something if you don't put all that effort to use?

someone of my gender shouldn't really comment on traumas the other gender experiences.

That type of trauma is horrible for everyone who has had to endure it, full stop.

sometimes I even ponder quitting my job to let someone who isn't a white, straight male have the opportunity instead of me, since being white and straight and male means that I am automatically the worst kind of person.

Here's how I think of this... Hopefully I don't make a total hash of it.

If your employer chose you over a black lesbian lady that applied at the same time you did, simply because they didn't want someone of her skin colour, gender and sexual orientation? She probably dodged a bullet there, as it wouldn't be a nice place for her to work, surrounded by bigots that don't want her there.

If your employer chose you for the reasons they are supposed to. You were simply better qualified for the position. Either way it's not on you.

Here's the hard to explain part.
If you want equality in the workplace, you have to just be fair.
Lowering the bar for someone because of their skin colour, gender or sexual orientation, is not treating them as equals. It's treating them as inferior. It's just nicer than hurling abuse at them.

While you are working somewhere you have the ability to speak with the people you work for about the people you work with and or for you. If you see someone from a marginalised group not being appreciated for their contributions to the workplace, you are in a position to ensure that it is not ignored.
That's actually helpful.
Quitting your job in the hopes that a specific type of person will be hired in your place, not so much.
What if they hire a racist, homophobic, misogynistic asshole?
You can't do shit about it cause you don't work there no more. That won't do anyone any good. Be an example, not a martyr.
Martyrdom is for people that don't have anything left for themselves, you do.

 

[Ronin]

And sometimes I even ponder quitting my job to let someone who isn't a white, straight male have the opportunity instead of me

Look, the question isn't needing less (insert privilege) people anywhere.

But needing more *sensitive* & competent (insert privilege) people there.
So you, being both, doing things?
Is you at the exactly right place. :) So no quitting.

 

[somerandomguy]

Thanks for all these terrific answers. I won't quit the study. And I have a lot more to think about now.

 

[siniang]

Sometimes I think about quitting THIS board because ... well, because I don't deserve to be here, my trauma is unique, and someone of my gender shouldn't really comment on traumas the other gender experiences.

Keep in mind that we all have observation bias. You may think your trauma is unique. Which it is. And isn't. I think you're implaying compared to the many CSA and (female) rape traumas? But what about all those other unique traumas here in the forum?

Don't start comparing traumas. It doesn't matter what the nature of the tauma is - the symptoms are the same or at least similar and there you have every right to comment, because you're speaking from a position on the inside, from a position of understanding.

I like reading your posts. I like reading your diary, even if I'm not active. I like your honesty. And you absolutely do deserve to be here - why wouldn't you?!? This is a PTSD forum. Not a CSA forum. Not a rape forum. Not a women's forum.

 

[Freida]

Feather Duster Alert!!!

So ... please help convince me that I shouldn't quit this totally awesome research study opportunity to help people? Or, alternatively, I guess, tell me why I should quit.

You are forgetting why you were SELECTED to be in this study. It's a totally awesome study that has a very specific base of both people to run it and people to be researched by it. They need all the help they can get because there aren't many people who can speak from both sides of the issue. You can.

Quitting because you want to punish yourself because you don't think you are deserving is ...... selfish. If you weren't beneficial to them, if you didn't have anything to offer, they wouldn't have CHOSEN you. Backing out now for no good reason (self -punishment or self esteem are not good reasons) would end up negatively effecting the exact thing you are trying to change --- awareness of a problem.

Sometimes I think about quitting THIS board because ... well, because I don't deserve to be here, my trauma is unique, and someone of my gender shouldn't really comment on traumas the other gender experiences.

In the military there are many, many more men sexually assaulted than women. It's 1 in 3 of women, 1 in 5 of men. Since 90 percent of the military are men, those numbers are staggering.

Using your logic I have no right to talk about sexual assault in the military because I'm the wrong gender.

yep. that's what you said. :hug:

 

[mumstheword]

So great that you have recognised this as distorted thinking!

You have come a long, long way since I first started reading you. I think you should feel good about that.

I don't know what life changes you are talking about, as I haven't been around for some time.

Some of my forum privileges were revoked as my email account was cancelled, which threw this Aspie for six, plus other "extreme life changes" of my own, which is causal of me not being around for months.

But what sounds to me like core issues, for you, are not so unique, even though your trauma is. It sounds to me that what is underpinning these distorted ways of viewing, is common to many of us sufferers/experiencers, and that is ways of viewing ourselves that undermines our, I will put it this way; "equal value", does that make sense?

The idea that everone has intrinsic and not/never less value than others.

The idea that merit is via qualifications that are developed, not genetically inherited.

The idea that maleness is totally valuable, as is femaleness, never less valuable; equally valuable.

And the idea that having opportunities to showcase our unique perspectives, no matter what part of the "intersectional" spectrum we belong to, is going.to add and benefit everyone.

Instead of "the soft bigotry of low expectations", society really benefits by dropping ALL prejudices, and honouring the inner person, rather than "the outer covering" of immutable identity characteristics. That is truly transcending sexism and racism and is far more "progressive" in my opinion, than merely judging people by their apparent greater victim status of intersectional identity politics.
What matters is how decent and honourable a person you are, how skilled you are for that particular job, and, I believe, you, my friend, have that in the bag.