General Rant and complain thread open to all supporters

[Freida]

I'm so sorry you are going thru this ...

He can just turn any concern for me off because we're not in a relationship anymore.

I don't know if this will hurt or help but..
It's turning off concern and any other feelings as a survival mechanism. I know you have heard this before -- but it really isn't about you. When I shut down and walk away from someone I do it because I'm overwhelmed and I don't know what else to do. I truly don't think about the person I'm walking away from -- they just don't register.

I can't imagine how hard that is from your side. I had never even considered the other person until I came here and started learning from the supporters --- and that was after years of therapy.

do I ever think about going back? Not usually. Because now whoever I walked away from is tangled up in the bad feelings about whatever was going on in MY head at the time. It may may not have been them that caused it -- but they are forever associated with it.

I'm so sorry this ended this way for you. But at the same time I kind of agree with your friends. You deserve better -- you deserve someone who will treat you like you should be treated instead of dumping their garbage on you.

 

[LovingH]

I'm so sorry you are going thru this ...

I don't know if this will hurt or help but..
It's turning off concern and any other feelings as a survival mechanism. I know you have heard this before -- but it really isn't about you. When I shut down and walk away from someone I do it because I'm overwhelmed and I don't know what else to do. I truly don't think about the person I'm walking away from -- they just don't register.

I can't imagine how hard that is from your side. I had never even considered the other person until I came here and started learning from the supporters --- and that was after years of therapy.

do I ever think about going back? Not usually. Because now whoever I walked away from is tangled up in the bad feelings about whatever was going on in MY head at the time. It may may not have been them that caused it -- but they are forever associated with it.

I'm so sorry this ended this way for you. But at the same time I kind of agree with your friends. You deserve better -- you deserve someone who will treat you like you should be treated instead of dumping their garbage on you.

Thank you, luv. I've been through so many breakups..it just gets discouraging and I tend to be fatalistic. I start thinking I'll never meet anyone who's good for me. But I know I'll get through this, eventually.

 

[LovingH]

Been listening to a lot of Jakob Dylan today. So many of his songs are appropriate for what a lot of us are going through.

 

[G.P.]

Well thank you for that! This is very informative. Process is the same for me, though I am married. The dynamic is quite the same! And yes, what the heck? Accusations which have no grounding in fact make your head spin, not because your confused about yourself, but geeeezzz can someone really grab stuff like that out of thin air and believe it??? that's what's so confusing I think. In my case, the PTSD sufferer feeds his own nerocies by avidly watching any kind of television that caters to conspiracy, which he then in turn allows to bleed into real life and thinks he see's it in people and is on to them. It must be rooted in the compulsion to be in total control - which in the dynamic of a relationship spells disaster. maybe helpful in war, but love relationships require the exact opposite to thrive - freedom.

 

[LovingH]

Well thank you for that! This is very informative. Process is the same for me, though I am married. The dynamic is quite the same! And yes, what the heck? Accusations which have no grounding in fact make your head spin, not because your confused about yourself, but geeeezzz can someone really grab stuff like that out of thin air and believe it??? that's what's so confusing I think. In my case, the PTSD sufferer feeds his own nerocies by avidly watching any kind of television that caters to conspiracy, which he then in turn allows to bleed into real life and thinks he see's it in people and is on to them. It must be rooted in the compulsion to be in total control - which in the dynamic of a relationship spells disaster. maybe helpful in war, but love relationships require the exact opposite to thrive - freedom.

So sorry to hear that. I get what you're saying. I'm self-aware enough to realize that my stupid kneejerk abandonment issues only result in me getting EXACTLY THE OUTCOME I'D BEEN FEARING ALL ALONG.

And then of course, you get on this treadmill of self-blame. Feeling stupid. Not liking yourself. Guilt for how you treated the poor victim of your automatic reactions.

It is like a hamster wheel. You can't get off til you see it for what it is, and decide you WANT off.

I thought I was off, but dang. I found someone who totally rocked my socks and made me feel so deeply, that it stirred up a bunch of gunk. Just proves to me, you're never "cured." You gotta keep getting treatment.

 

[G.P.]

It is good to vent and complain here. Supporters don't get many chances to vent and complain.

I am new to this process with a spouse with ptsd... but I will say- after 3 years in - it is amazing to see how much compassion and understanding and supportive gestures he and his ptsd get, and there is none for the supporter that I have found from those people- or anyone for that matter, no one seems to notice or be aware of the cost involved or difficulty. which is very isolating

 

[G.P.]

ok, so I don't know much, but this is what I have gathered so far. Seems that PTSD is a biological/psychological/spiritual/emotional - basically on every level - -- response to an over the top traumatic event --- where by it appears to me that the heart of the person shuts down to avoid annellation perhaps - a self protective knee-jerk response ----- which suffices to get the person through their trauma ---- however, it does them a great dis-service as they proceed in and through life if it remains that way. Being cut off from one's own heart makes them unable to connect on a heart level to anyone else as well, feel empathy, be gentle with another persons heart, compassion, love, tenderness - and there seems to be an impacted ability to recognize when other people are operating from their heart --- in fact it gets interpreted as weakness and/or manipulation, rather than the true and astounding strength and gift it is. That said, the only true answer, is to reopen the traumatized heart and experience all that there is to experience, on every level, joy - sorrow- pain- ect. The paralyzing staying power of PTSD seems to be that the answer is perceived as more painful than the condition. But sadly, remaining in the state of PTSD, creates a wake of wounded hearts, which compounds the unlikelihood of wanting to open up the heart and feel the responsibility of that. A catch 22.

 

[LovingH]

I think it's beyond the heart..it also creates new neural pathways in the brain that means those of us who've suffered trauma often react automatically.

 

[G.P.]

Thank you LovingH for your reply, really - I appreciate it!
I agree with you, new neural pathways are created - and yet - what I am suggesting is that the heart (unfortunately the unstudied region) is where the event begins. Therefore, I am suggesting, that healing might be the most effective if begun in the same region ---- heart changes have been known to create not only behavior changes and physical healing, but new patterns of thinking, as well as new knee jerk responses. I am not only one who is married to a vet 100% disabled with PTSD - but am working on my masters in Psychology in this area - so while I am not a vet, and I apologize for my lack of insight there, but I am very interested in- and believing that it is possible to heal - fully and totally heal

 

[G.P.]

I guess after my studies, I am wondering, if the approach so far isn't backwards

 

[joeylittle]

heart changes have been known to create not only behavior changes and physical healing, but new patterns of thinking, as well as new knee jerk responses.

Can you point me towards some research on this? I'm specifically curious about what kind of heart changes you're referring to...

 

[G.P.]

LovingH, thank you for asking. I will have to go back and dig through my research, sadly I'm not that organized lol, and drowning in paperwork for school most of the time (the masters in psychology is more than I expected work wise :( . Not withstanding, If you want to do it now, google some psychological research being done on forgiveness, there is more on this than most other issues right now. Not sure which data bases you can access, I have paid access to university librarys and publications. Might want to also check for new psychological research on rebuilding neurological pathways+ - there is a lot of fringe research being done as well, but with most systems of ideology there seems to be a time frame that has to lapse and countless trials before mainstreaming information.