Sexual Assault Rape Or Advantage

[joeylittle]

How about if I wouldn't normally let a guy in my pants when sober and then when drunk allow it? Penetration with no foreplay. Painful. Angry right after it happened and told the stranger, from a bar, off.

It doesn't sound like rape, because you did not say 'no' or indicate 'stop'. You reference pain, but pain on its own doesn't mean it was rape-sex.

It doesn't sound like taking advantage, because that puts the whole onus on the guy - there's nothing here that says you were at a disadvantage, or that you were coerced.

It sounds like a kind of self-harm most (to me) - where you use alcohol to lower your inhibitions and then create a situation where you are purposefully being abused.

I'm biased, because I did this for years - get drunk so I couldn't think clearly, proposition the one who looked the meanest, and let him have sex with me the way he wanted to - which was rough and painful. Never really had to specifically ask for that, because I was selecting for that quality, picking someone who already was looking to hit something or someone. But not specifically asking doesn't mean it wasn't what I was looking for, so I consider it to have been on me.

I'm not saying this is your case, @intheprocess - just that there is a third option - rape, taken advantage of (an area so grey it almost doesn't exist), and self-harm.

These are tough questions, definitely not one-size-fits-all, and it's very hard to make a general statement that applies to every situation where someone might be seeking violent sex to punish themselves. Maybe all I can say is, it's different, and if you have done it, you know what it feels like in your head. If you aren't sure, you probably didn't do it.

 

[The Albatross]

Too little information for me by the initial poster for me to form an opinion.

 

[intheprocess]

Thanks everyone. I will be pondering your responses.

 

[Lucycat]

It sounds like a kind of self-harm most (to me) - where you use alcohol to lower your inhibitions and then create a situation where you are purposefully being abused.

This is what I was sort of thinking. I recall putting myself in difficult risky situations. I used alcohol to 'allow' myself to do this.

As the OP has clearly suggested that her inhibitions are down when under the influence of alcohol I think she clearly needs to look at this before future encounters.

I would suggest exploring this in therapy would be a good move forwards.