Sexual Assault Rape Thirty Three Years Ago And A Long Series Of Bad Choices After

[montagnard]

I was raped at a party when I was seventeen .. my ex boyfriend was listening at the door encouraging the guy who did it .. they then become friends and started going out socially together . The ex also told everyone I knew socially about what happened .... as soon as I could I left the area and lost contact with everyone I could . and was also distant from my parents .. I became very self relient even though a student I preferred to work as much as possible to earn money to support myself than take support from my parents . I married after graduation a man much older than me , no doubt a father figure , and left the country . regrettably when I became pregnant three years into our marriage , my husband started beating me and using extreme threats as a control method .. I remained with this man until my son was eleven then left him ... sadly my son had witnessed some of the violence , and in time started controlling me in the same way ... ending with me having to ban him from the house when he was twenty ,, because of the damage and violence and constant threats and controlling techniques . I have now moved away to another country .. to be with a long term friend who became a boyfriend a year ago . He has a past trauma from childhood , so is very understanding .. but despite that I find I am in the last two months , having trust issues and events triggers flashbacks ,, we have argued far too much , and despite us arguing and agreeing it is part of moving on and understanding each other , I worry that I am sinking into the PTSD getting control of me rather than , this being a final recovery , however , I have only really been away from the violence for less than a year . I so want to make a new start , leave everything behind learn to enjoy life rather than just feel I am staying alive : And still sometimes I get scared when I have a flight attack moment and accidentally run into traffic that I will die and cause many people pain : My boyfriend , I hope is working through some of his issues , he's facing lots of changes as his child reaches adulthood . I really want us to have the loving relationship I feel we both deserve .

 

[Meadowsweet]

Hi Janet, welcome to the forum. Are you in therapy?

It sounds like you already have a lot of understanding for how trauma has effected you, but I think that therapy would be helpful (and maybe for your partner too, if he is ready for that).

 

[Chava]

Therapy? Couples counseling? Committing to activities you enjoy together and also alone? Mindfulness stuff? I know I have to work very consciously on creating good experiences because I tend to live in survival mode and feeling unhappy or exhausted feels "normal." I really have to work at what I assume many (certainly not all) people take for granted...doing things that make me feel good, connecting with others, etc.

You can start over, but involves a lot of compassion and commitment to try to view the present moment as new and okay and safe, and even good. Having a good therapist to work with could be very helpful if that is an option for you.

Welcome.

 

[montagnard]

My boyfriend and I live together , and we do do lot of things together and enjoy these activities , I think to be honest my boyfriend has found his way of coping with his trauma which is to have a dominant nature, he has been criticised as being a control freak , but he's not controlling anyone other than himself and how things are done around him, probably more ritualistic than controlling : He is not trying to control me when he's at work for example, gives me a lot of space. I feel very strongly that we could and are mostly a great couple . What I need is a technic , when I feel a flight reflex come on, I need to be able to go through and come out the other side calm without tears having been shed . I am in a new country trying to learn my third language , searching for a job doing a sport with my boyfriend that relies on split second decision and healthy reflexes . I am ambitious to get on top of this , recover... after all I managed to live with two violent quick tempered people and survive , now I am living comfortably in relative luxury with little to worry over ... I really should be in a position to grow and recover . I am going to look into therapies ... I have had a lot of therapy for ten years in France, but of course this was still while I was living with the threat of violence always there . Now the biggest danger I have to worry about is that my boyfriend may spontaneously buy me a gift that I don't know how to accept. I am not really religious ..... but maybe something simple as a pray or recite a poem in my head might be the answer , I am very much I guess in a recovery situation . My last trauma being at the hands of my son in August last year , he attacked me and my boyfriend came to my defence and landed up in accident and emergency and we pressed charges against my son . Very sad.. my heart felt it was breaking for months ... but I can now talk about it .. and apart from several weeks ago I collapsed in public when I saw someone and mistook him for my son .. I am doing okay . Does anyone have experience of meditation prayer etc . helping to curb the flight reflex ?

 

[Meadowsweet]

Still being in an abusive situation would limit the recovery that you can make, so it may be that therapy this time would help with the recovery.

There are many techniques to help you from flight mode. To be useful in the immediate situation, some of them have to be practised regularly, so that it becomes easier to find that place when your anxiety shoots up.

Grounding techniques
* Focus on your feet and feel the floor beneath them. Then try to visualise roots growing down into the ground, right to the centre of the earth. Then look around you and notice the details in the room (the TV, a plant or ornament etc) knowing that you are rooted and able to look more clearly at what is actually happening.

* If you can, find something cold to touch. I will quite literally put my hands on the ground, or run them under a cold tap.

* A more discreet grounding technique is to carry a favourite stone, crystal or piece of jewellery. This is one that takes regular practise, because it kind of works by training your mind to relate a specific object with being safe.

Similarly, finding a safe place in your mind takes practise to train the mind.

* At a quiet time, you close your eyes and imagine a place that feels peaceful and pleasant (like a sunny woodland, or a quiet beach - whatever suits you). Then just spend some time there, exploring the imagined place, getting to know the details and using the senses to hear the gentle breeze or smell the fresh leaves etc. If you do this on a regular basis when you are relatively relaxed, then when you find your anxiety shooting up, it is much easier to recall a place of safety.

Breathing can be effective too. When we are anxious, we tend to breathe fast and use only the upper part of our lungs. So, if you can catch the anxiety before your mind takes over, then you can slowly and deliberately breathe all the way out, and slowly take a normal breath in (not a big gasp). If you put your hand just above your navel you should be able to feel your abdomen rise and fall if you are breathing properly. The biggest problem I have with this one, is that my mind becomes hyper and my focus is on that perceived danger, and I forget to look at my breathing.

But with all these techniques, they become easier and more effective with practise.

 

[Flower Power]

A technique that has worked for me is that when I feel that I am moving away from the present moment into the past and start telling myself, oh no, here we go again in regards to what is in front of me that I am determining I should be afraid of. Is #1 breathe! Take a couple of really deep breaths. Nothing feeds fear like holding our breath does. #2 Tell yourself that was then and this is now and I am not 3, or 4, or 14, or whatever but I am a ___ yr old woman and I will stand front of my inner child that is getting ready to bolt. I visualize myself as a parent figure taking my fearful child self and physically putting her behind me like a moma bear would, and I tell her, "I got this. I will handle this and keep you safe. It is the frozen child self that is stuck in the fear, and the need to flee or freeze. #3 If I feel myself trying to leave by dissasociation, I grab whatever is closest too me and touch it, and really feel it. I touch the softness of my blouse, the hardness of the wood of the chair, I enroll all my senses, I hear the air conditioner, the dog barking next door, I feel......., etc. If you ground yourself in the real world and with your senses you can practice staying in the present moment, conscious and learn to use techniques that help your adult self take control. #4 I pause and ask myself the following questions: What am I afraid of? Is it something from my past if so what? When did it occur? What is the truth about what is happening now? What are the differences? If I was 4 then but I am 55 now. This person in front of me is not my abuser from back then (This only works if it is past trauma that is triggered and not current abuse that you should be running from. I then breathe and go back to my senses to help ground me to the here and now.