Reaching Out

[Hoveurt]

Hello.

I am a Veteran of the War in Iraq. I was deployed with a sister unit of my N.G. unit about 6 months after basic training. I was separated from the rest of the guys I knew from my group and we we're all mixed in with strangers. For a year and a half I was under the command of complete imbeciles. I feared for my life, not only because of the real threat that is combat, but because if the inadequacies of my leaders and support. I served mainly as a tower guard on last wall of the compound, and as a gate guard to the Prison/medical facility we guarded. I was subjected to cruel and unusual punishment from my leaders, because I wouldn't follow reckless orders, or for example exposing gross misconduct. This misconduct ranged from not inspecting fuel and sewage trucks driven by local nationals into our base to sleeping in critical towers on duty. Alcohol use on duty ( I don't care what you do off duty, I'm a reefer user myself, but never did I do it in Iraq or on duty, it is a private at home thing.) I was assaulted and almost drowned when I was set to expose gross mishandling of unexploded ordnance. Another platoon even let one of the local girls that myself and a few other key persons had gotten important information from be abducted without resisting. She was beheaded in the market that day because they knew she talked to us. The atrocities would just pile up if I were to continue to list them.

Anyway, this happened in 2007. I came home at the beginning of 08' and since then I have spiraled into a monster of a human being. Time after time I went to the VA for help just to be given a terrible combination of psychoactive drugs and never given a diagnosis. In 2012 i finally broke down and applied for compensation from the VA, but I have only been met with severe resistance. Only recently have I sought help from private doctors.

My life is just a shattered mess. Wife works 7 days a week to hardly keep us on top. I have little hope of giving her a child in this state, and even now that I have a lawyer fighting for me, there is no date that I can hope to win this thing. PTSD has made my life a living hell, and I am reaching up from the depths in search of my old, creative lovable self that hasn't made an appearance in over 7 years.

I was directed here from the sister website

 

[BaMuoiBa]

Welcome Hoveurt, sounds as if your having a time of it but your not alone.

Time after time I went to the VA for help just to be given a terrible combination of psychoactive drugs and never given a diagnosis.

We understand how the VA can be part of the problem as we all experienced along the way. The private Physician is a good choice while your a awaiting the VA to act. You could also try your local Vet Center. Not knowing where your located you can go to the VA web site and find one near you.

http://www.va.gov/directory/guide/vetcenter_flsh.asp

Your lucky to have a good woman to support you during this rough period. Many Iraq vets here on this forum feel free to ask questions and read the posts.

Ba

 

[vikingr12]

I had similar issues with "upper management" but they never got to anything serious. I was reprimanded once but it was removed from my record when it turned out I did the right thing. When I think about it, I am surprised I wasn't sent to the guardhouse for other similar activities that really in the end, were the right thing to do.

I was also assigned outside of other guys that I went through training with. I felt alone but I found out there were other guys who went through the same separate duty I did.

Come to terms with what happened. OK, you got stiffed. Don't let it get in the way of having a future, one filled with life and some semblance of happiness. If you really have PTSD, then know that it will not likely go away anytime soon, maybe even forever. I went years without really having a problem but I know now I was a ticking bomb. And I have been slowly going off for the past maybe 12 years.

The VA was not my friend. It never will be as long as I have a choice over it. You will find few doctors really have a grasp of it. A lot of the healing has to be done by you. The commitment has to be there to fix it.

Talk therapy has done well with me. Find someone you feel comfortable with, not someone you just tolerate. Go from there. and stay with us.

 

[Spock]

Welcome Hoveurt. One of our mentors here Sarg has referred folks like yourself to:
http://www.hadit.com/

Get a referral to Group Therapy so you can be with more of your own and start to build a paper trail.

 

[Sleeping Dragon]

Hoveurt,

When things bog down at the VA the Vet Center is a great alternative. They are part of the VA, but seperate. For example, they can look at your VA file, but the VA has no access to your Vet Center information. More important, more of their councilors are combat vets or are closely related to vets. It can make a big difference

Keep this in mind. The old creative, lovable self you're looking for is still there. It's buried deep inside under layers of the things you blocked out while deployed. It will take time, effort and patience to find that part of you. But remember, IT'S THERE.

SD

 

[Sarg]

Welcome, Hoveurt. As you can tell, there's lotz of help here. All excellent info.

Sarg

 

[Hoveurt]

Hey Folks;

Thanks for the replys. I have been diagnosed with severe PTSD (worst case my doctor said he had seen in 18 years)

There are many things that I was exposed to that I didn't mention before, because they weren't misconduct type of things. As part of my duty as a guard to Camp Cropper (please google this place to see how bad it was, there was a lot of bad stuff) I had to search ambulance vehicles that had dead/dying locals and ally forces in them. I had to actually lift up several dead bodies that were extremely disfigured in some cases, to check for possible threats, i.e. bombs, weapons. No one was to be just trusted to enter the compound, because these were times shortly after our own people were blowing up chow halls. So, yeah, I can't shake the faces of the countless dead I had to deal with. Even worse are the children who missing limbs, half heads and entire lower bodies because someone was trying to make a bomb in the house, or purposefully hurt the children to lead ally forces to an ambush. These things never made it on any news station. no one at home ever knew the real damage being done. Maybe even worse is the look of betrayal from a fellow servicemember when I had to make him life a lifeless marine up to look under him for a bomb.

recently, like last week recently, i had what many call a moment of clarity. since that night i have not had an anger outburst at all. i feel like i am waking from a 7 year slumber. i am going to start taking a medicine just prescribed to me, but with the hopes i can come off of it relatively soon. i have gone to great lengths to cleanse my soul of what happened so many years ago. we writ on the walls in my home now, messages and words of kindness and love. my wife scribbles on my excellent things. dr emoto's work is being employed in our home.

I am determined to not be the person i was a few weeks ago, and had been for many years. I feel like there is a new power inside me that can, in fact, become whatever I want to become (a professional photographer)

 

[Jimmy1]

Welcome mate

 

[woodsie]

The VBC was a shithole, it was basically a pig with lipstick. I worked at the airport, at night. So much tortured prisoners, mortars, stray rounds. Never got to relax, was ANG, had a terrible commander who was just there for his résumé to make it to full bird colonel. I never drank on duty but I didn't give a shit about being buzzed on my nights off. We traveled in and out of those bases with occasional trips to basra. All the deviousness of American operations I believe came out at night.

That's when we would have to load the fallen for something called patriot details. Not one peep was said to us for those details. Back and forth to mortuary affairs, never been to so many funerals in my life. 2-3 every other night. It was maddening.

It gets better but, it will be worse before it improves. Hate to say, the VA moves at one speed. Nothing can speed it up. Not lawyers, advocates or DAV. all they can really do is get your ppw in order. I'd shitcan the money grubbing lawyer. He/she's gonna take a big cut.

You need to find a hobby and drinking is not one of 'em! Run, paint, build models, read, read forums like these. Everything will fall into place. And if possible hand deliver stuff to the VA headquarters and don't bring a knife. You'll never see it again.

If shit gets real bad, go straight to the ER. That's what is for. Emergencies a d I've had a few.

Good luck and chin up. You served your country, what ever the reasons were. Good or evil. The tables have turned now.

 

[Sarg]

Ah, Woodsie, good post but I'd like to clarify one item. Attorneys working for Veterans before the VA are locked in at a certain percentage of the award (sorry, don't have that percentage before me right now, but it's low for attorneys) and he doesn't get paid until the Veteran prevails. And he gets nothing should the Veteran not prevail.

Thanks,

Sarg

 

[Hoveurt]

I don't drink at all, cannot stand the stuff, or even being around others being drunk generally. Some people can handle it, and not be crazy, but those are few and far in between so I just don't party, if not for the anxiety and hate of crowds, then for the dislike of the sauce.

I know that lawyers can take up to 30% I think it is, of your backpay if and when you win your case. My lawyer is only charging 20% backpay, and seeing how she has done more for me than any advocate so far, I'll be more than happy to let her take that if I get my rating.

I just started depicote today. It's supposed to be for the rage "tantrums". I was getting so irrational i was destroying my home. it is awful looking, holes in the walls, bare spots where family photos used to be. He asked me to cut back on the pot so we can give this medicine a good go, and I am going to. We agreed that once a week would be fine, so that I can have a treat. I am actually very happy he agrees that marijuana is a good anxiety medication, and once we get the rage handled I can go back to enjoying it (within reason of course)

I was able to run some errands without blowing my lid that my wife didn't get her check because of a clerical error ( i did swear that someone has targeted me for a curse in the moment ). this is a big deal, going 400 dollars into overdraft would normally cause me to flip out really bad.