Relationship Reading His Journals

[Deleted member 27524]

My sufferer and I are drifting farther and farther apart. As I said in previous posts he just hasn't been the same since October. I told him that he's confusing me. I really am not sure if it's his PTSD or he no longer cares. His words and actions don't match and I told him I felt like he just doesn't care about me anymore. Anyways he and I have been arguing a lot lately. He said he wanted to send me his journals and when I find out the truth to then leave him the fu*k alone! I'm curious if any other sufferer keeps journals and what are they for? Is it easier to express your thoughts and emotions on paper rather than saying them? Just trying to figure it out. He seems so hell bent on me reading them.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

There is an entire section here for journals/diaries that is one of the biggest sections of the forum. Mostly used for writing down trauma and working through it I find it's also good for just writing about my daily life and it's frustrations.

While it might be easier for him to have you read his thoughts, maybe that should be an email not his journal. I think he might regret you reading his journal.

 

[Deleted member 27524]

These journals are apparently solely about me. He has a separate one for his day to day life.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

There are many reasons why a sufferer keeps a journal. I use mine mainly as a place to vent. I don't write in it often. Its sort of a place where I can get something out of my system without saying/doing something to someone that I care about. I mean I get stressed or triggered and that's when I'm prone to lashing out. If I write it in my journal, then I can avert damage to the relationships in my life. I don't use it as a regular tool b/c it is an unstructured area where my thoughts can run rampant. (I am prone to obsessive thinking and more often than not, journaling reinforces those negative thoughts rather than helping me resolve them.)

I want to caution you against reading them even if he does send them to you because he may use that space as a place where he can vent and the things he may say about you could be quite harsh given that he's saying once you read them you will leave him alone. I don't think its a stretch to say that many of us write things in the heat of the moment and they aren't our true feelings. If you read those journals and he does come around in the future, you will have even more issues to work through as something said out of anger/frustration/stress may ultimately cause trust issues between the two of you. (Am I explaining this well enough?)

I think that at this point, it may be best to give him what he is asking for....space. You're not giving it to him, and he feels the need to push back even harder. He is pushing back by telling you that you should read all the nasty things he's said about you in his journals. He knows that what he has written will hurt you. When a sufferer wants space and they're lashing out, further intrusion oftentimes leads to even more lashing out. I know its hard, but I urge you to give him space. Tell him that you will leave him alone. If you don't want to sever ties completely, you could tell him that you are there for him and that if he wants to reach out in the future that you will be there for him. But, I advise you to not hold on indefinitely...its heartbreaking to read stories of supporters who endure through "shutdowns" of sometimes a year or more when the truth is that by that point, its no longer a shutdown and the sufferer is most likely out of their life.

 

[Justmehere]

This seems like a relationship sabotaging move on his part. Don't take the bait.

I'm especially concerned he is asking you to read them in anger, rather than in a moment of authentic vulnerability.

Reading them might deeply affect both of you -- I would say that is fairly likely.

If he insists and you still want to read them, I suggest doing it only when he is right there, in person, sitting nearby, and you can ask him about what he has written.

There are tons of threads on the forum about people miscommunicating on text and email - this could be like that, times 1,000, unless he is sitting right there and you both can calmly talk through any questions that come up. It would be even better if he read the journal to you, out loud.

As an alternative, I agree with giving him space and offering a time down the road where you both can connect again and talk through what he wants you to know from the journal.

Otherwise, don't do it.

 

[Deleted member 27524]

No no he says he wants me to read them as to understand that he does care for me, he just can't express it well vocally. He said when I read it I'll cry, but it will be happy tears. Basically trying to prove to me that even though he pushes me away, he cares very much for me and his journal he's kept on me for 2 years will validate it. I didn't know about him journaling until recently. It's almost as if what he can't say to me is in that journal.

 

[Deleted member 27524]

Btw I do give him all the space he needs and he always comes to me first now. I don't push it.

 

[Justmehere]

Anyways he and I have been arguing a lot lately. He said he wanted to send me his journals and when I find out the truth to then leave him the fu*k alone!

He said when I read it I'll cry, but it will be happy tears. Basically trying to prove to me that even though he pushes me away, he cares very much for me and his journal he's kept on me for 2 years will validate it.

It sounds like maybe he is frustrated you are not taking in or believing that he loves you as much as he does, is that right?

I'm curious if any other sufferer keeps journals and what are they for? Is it easier to express your thoughts and emotions on paper rather than saying them? Just trying to figure it out. He seems so hell bent on me reading them.

I don't keep journals of only my undying love for a person. I usually mic it in with everything, including bad days that anyone has about loving someone. Many people with PTSD journal, and many times it includes a lot about trauma.

But if he has a journal of only his good thoughts and love for you - then that might be worth reading. However, I still think you should do it with me there so you can ask him about what he wrote. Even in positive information, miscommunications can abound in writing.

You sound almost resentful or frustrated that he wants you to read them, is that true? Maybe it would be important to think through why you may feel that way before you read them.

And I you don't feel frustrated or resentful about his insistence that you read them - them this is a good example of the miscommunications about emotions that can happen with the written format.

 

[Deleted member 27524]

Yeah i think that's our problem. See he won't touch me. He says that he wants to be with me, cares for me,is proud of me, can be himself with me, and he never thought that could happen again. He says I just want him for him and nobody has done that because he's very wealthy and I didn't know that at first because we aren't from the same state. Women only wanted the life he could give them, not him as a person. He's offered me a brand new car to just go pick one out, to pay off my mortgage, he's offered me as much as $50,000 at one time for my kids. I declined everything to just prove that I didn't give a damn what his net worth is. He gives me every single indication that he cares for me but the physical touch. He says "I wanna hug you so bad"...yet he drove all the way here last Saturday 5 hours here and turned around 5 miles from my house! So basically he is saying all these things to me but his actions don't fit those words so it confuses me. When I am doubting him it seems like he is frustrated and thinks maybe if I read the journal that I'll see he really does care. I believe in my heart that he cares very very much but he can't even hug me so I can't process it. I do want to read it. I need to read it just to have some little glimmer of hope. There is more than one journal about me. It's just about me and nothin else. I don't wanna give up!

 

[Justmehere]

Have you ever heard of the 5 love languages? There is a whole book on it.

It is about how different people give and show love through different ways and what to do when it doesn't match up exactly (which happens a lot with or without PTSD.) It sounds like he is a gifts or acts of service guy - and you receive love the best by physical touch. It sounds like maybe both of you are hoping that words of affirmation, which is what is journal might be, might help give you that reassurance that he does care in a way that you can better take in.

When he is offering you gifts, you don't need to accept them, but remember that it is the best way he knows how to show love. His pride might be factoring into his frustration that he is trying but you turned down his gifts (for a good reason) and he can't do the physical touch you want.

I think maybe you could focus on other ways to incorporate him saying reassuring things to you more often - and maybe this will help you feel the love that it sounds like he does want to show you. The book recommends saying things like, "I feel loved when you compliment me in the morning." (Or whatever affirming words would help you know he does really care.) Maybe asking him for more reminders like that over long haul might help you both. Just an idea to help build on what his heart is behind wanting to show you the journal.

 

[Deleted member 27524]

Thanks I'll read it! I think there is so much good there to just give up. I hear it in his voice when he said "I wanna hug you so bad" but it's like he just can't or is scared to death which he did tell me the way I make him feel scares him. He's been pushing me hard.

 

[Justmehere]

Trauma makes love scary. It's really hard. I have been on the other side of it many times, so badly wanting to hug and hold someone else, and freely show the affection I feel - and yet I can't. It's really hard to describe what it is like to experience it. It is deeply painful to go through, for both people. It's not really about my heart for the other person at all.

I'm not in his head, but I think his heart is really for you too. If he is in treatment, working through the trauma, and you are both willing to slowly and gently work through it (like over years) then there is a possibility of it getting better in time. He may never be able to show love physically as much as you both long for, but it might get a lot better. I can now hug people a lot more freely because of treatment - and I still have a lot of work to do myself... It's a tough road and I hope you two find a path through it.