Sufferer Reality Check

[Caterpillar]

In therapy he paints me as demanding and rigid -- he wants complete freedom from any kind of predictable family activities, so in comparison with complete freedom, wanting him home for dinner, even on the weekends, would seem rigid.

Frankly, it sounds like his issues go much further than lacking sensitivity to your PTSD. It sounds like he doesn't want the responsibility of caring for anyone other than himself--which leaves you with the choice of how much energy you want to expend on someone who is unwilling to do the same in return.

Relationships require sacrifice from both people. You sacrifice some of your "me" time and independent interests in order to spend time with and support the other person. It's unfair to expect your partner to fulfill ALL your needs (that's why we have friends and, if needed, support groups and therapists) but your partner should be involved and trying. It doesn't sound like your husband is doing that, and like he has a lot of issues beyond difficulties dealing with your PTSD. Honestly, it sounds like he wants the perks of marriage without any of the effort or sacrifice on his part.

 

[digger]

I'm not currently in therapy for myself.

You sound, understandably, pretty low about this. I wonder if it would help to have someone to sound things out with. I don't know if that's an option for you?

I think he would consider going to couples therapy again to address this, but, honestly, I'm kind of tapped out. It was very hard for us to find a couples therapist in the past, and I'm so emotionally spent at this point, I'm not sure I have the energy to find someone.

Understandable, which is why I'm wondering if individual therapy might be better right now.

In therapy he paints me as demanding and rigid -- he wants complete freedom from any kind of predictable family activities, so in comparison with complete freedom, wanting him home for dinner, even on the weekends, would seem rigid.

Which kind of answers the other question I was going to ask, that is how is the rest of your marriage? Has he always been like this?

 

[MD and VA]

You sound, understandably, pretty low about this. I wonder if it would help to have someone to sound things out with. I don't know if that's an option for you?

Understandable, which is why I'm wondering if individual therapy might be better right now.

Which kind of answers the other question I was going to ask, that is how is the rest of your marriage? Has he always been like this?

He has become increasingly more self-absorbed with each passing year. :( We just had our anniversary which I chose to spend without him, at the beach with our sons and our our dogs, and he posted 4 or 5 wedding pics of us on his FB page while we were out of town. It's very confusing b/c on the one hand he's posting sweet pictures but on the other hand, just a week prior, he made these very awful statements. It makes me feel like I'm going crazy. Over the years he has often scheduled other commitments for my bday and our anniversary, he has had to work or has other things to do.

 

[Jane.l]

I won't get into what I think about your husbands reaction but maybe therapy just for you will help you separate the trauma from your marriage problems and then your path forwards may become clearer.

 

[MD and VA]

Frankly, it sounds like his issues go much further than lacking sensitivity to your PTSD. It sounds like he doesn't want the responsibility of caring for anyone other than himself--which leaves you with the choice of how much energy you want to expend on someone who is unwilling to do the same in return.

Relationships require sacrifice from both people. You sacrifice some of your "me" time and independent interests in order to spend time with and support the other person. It's unfair to expect your partner to fulfill ALL your needs (that's why we have friends and, if needed, support groups and therapists) but your partner should be involved and trying. It doesn't sound like your husband is doing that, and like he has a lot of issues beyond difficulties dealing with your PTSD. Honestly, it sounds like he wants the perks of marriage without any of the effort or sacrifice on his part.

It's like you're right here in the room with me. You've hit the nail on the head. He makes me feel guilty for being sad that he didn't plan a family dinner for my bday last month -- no family time. As a two-income household, or even if we had a one-income household, it should not be too much to ask your husband to make time to go to the trouble to find a night the whole family can be together for a family dinner. He and I went out to the movies, something we never ever do, but that was it. I had just made him a nice family dinner for his bday three weeks before, nothing extravagant, just the four of us at home for dinner with a simple Betty Crocker cake. It was a stark contrast --

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think you two aren't just on different planets, but in completely different solar systems. It seems that the indifference toward your rape is just the tipping point, as he's pretty much checked out of this relationship. Posting pictures on Facebook isn't indicative of someone who cares, rather it's a facade so that he can prove to the rest of the world that he's a great husband & father. I also worry that he's a poor role model for your sons simply by not being there. This teaches your sons that a man doesn't have to be there for his partner, and when they grow up, if they only put minimal effort into their relationships, I have no doubt they'll have issues, too. Is he a partner in any sense of the word? It seems really odd that a family unit wouldn't have dinner together on a regular basis even if both parents are working. (Or if dinner is out, substitute other quality family time together.)

I realize all relationships are different, but why get married and have kids if you don't give a damn about your wife, spend no time with your wife and kids, and live life like you're single?

 

[Changing4Best]

Wow! Not massively generalising there!? As the mother of a son I'm kind of sad to read that people expect this of men.

Yes, at almost 60 years of age, this has been my experience. You are right though, it may not be others experience.

 

[MD and VA]

I tried to discuss this with him tonight. It was bedtime and he had just tried to be silly and playful with me, smiling and tapping my rib, and I asked him what was going on -- that I was remembering his comment and didn't feel playful or silly. He does not see anything wrong with his comment "I didn't rape you." He said that by bringing it up, I was trying to blame him for my rape and he "wasn't there" and does not know anything about it. I'm really stunned. He closed his eyes and would not talk with me when I tried to explain that I am not blaming him, I expect him to be sympathetic and sensitive to what has happened to me.

 

[bell]

I agree with what others have said about him finding it painful to think about you being raped, especially as he can't do anything about it (or the perpetrator) now. While I would be gutted if someone said that to me, I can also hear frustration in it, too, as in, "don't take what someone else did to you out on me," which denotes misguided caring and anger that someone else robbed him of something. (Of course, he wasn't the one that had anything done to him here, but I'm guessing that he can't see past his own pain and confusion regarding what happened, so his actions are selfish instead of targeted where they should be... at caring for you and your needs.)

All that being said, I also think that therapy would be a great idea, even if just you go. As often when one person in a relationship goes into therapy, the resulting positive actions change the relationship dynamic as a whole. Although as he seems to be hellbent on "freedom," it may be too late... however, he may also be wanting said freedom as a way to not have to think about what was done to you, something which he can do nothing about, which is making him feel helpless, instead of like a protector... leading him to feel like a failure in his own marriage.

Just sharing what I've learned from both personal experience and reading about it, although I'm single and not in a relationship and have never been married, so I could be totally off base. Whatever you decide to do, please be gentle with yourself.

 

[MD and VA]

Thank you so much for your post. I need to leave for an early morning meeting and will be away from my computer all day, but will check back tonight in 12-15 hours. Thank everyone for their support and posts. It is helpful to read this advice.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm still leaning toward this being more than him hearing about your rape and it being too painful to hear given his overall lack of caring. It would be different if this was isolated in nature, but unfortunately he seems to live his life very "checked out" from his family.

 

[The Albatross]

I got to say, my sexual abuse and rapes were prior to this marriage. My husband's wants/needs/desires for intimacy have been thwarted for a considerable amount of time... but I don't seek his understanding. He has needs that aren't being met. I'm in therapy now for sexual dysfunction. It's a question of priorities for me. First I had to deal with a near traumatic break, then I had to stabilize enough to function on a day to day basis... now I'm getting down to the sexual dysfunction.

Your husband is right as mine is... I was able to have a sexual relationship to a nearly normal degree before I exhibited difficulty. I know with my rational mind that my spouse is not any of my offenders... but my body does not. Therapy is indicated. Just my 2 cents. That and a buck will get you a cup of coffee.

I'm just telling you that I know for myself, I've had more than a decade (13 years now) of time. My husband has been patient and sympathetic... but it hasn't gotten me anywhere.