Realization

[Thinkingman85]

I think I have come to the realization that I will never get better. After 11 weekly therapy sessions and 12 weeks of being on an antidepressant, I have noticed improvements. These improvement have been in my mood and coping skills. However, I still have confusion as to what my real identity should be.

The pain associated with my PTSD still exists and I do not have a zest to survive. Honestly, I probably have irreparable brain damage. I still should not feel like this after six years. Sometimes life blesses people and keeps them out of unfortunate circumstances and sometimes life ruins people early on and they will have to sit the rest of their lives in misery because there is no way to overcome the PTSD.

Being normal seems like a fairy tale now. I'm so far gone that I shouldn't even be alive. I'm just existing as a person trying to ease the pain everyday. This is no existence. It is purgatory. A purgatory that I never asked for in a universe that doesn't care.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I am sorry that you are feeling this way Thinkingman85.

Wishing you some peace.

 

[discarded]

You know my exhusband said something similar to me when I left him. He said he didn't blame me for leaving as he didn't like living with himself either. He has accepted that he is an A hole but that is the way it is and he has accepted it as his fate. For now he is content to live a life of solitude so as too not affect others too much. Of course it affected me, I left didn't I.

Anyway, what I want to say is please don't give up, please keep trying new things until you find what works for you. Don't do what my husband did and just accept that this is all he can expect out of life. No matter what trauma caused your PTSD you do not deserve to live a life of misery. Just being on the forum says to me that you want more, you want to be better. That is far more than my husband will do, he won't seek help.

Please keep trying. Don't let this thing beat you.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Thinkingman,

I hear you and know where you are at as I have been there many times myself. But on the reverse there have been times that I have been well and not had symptoms for many days and weeks at a time.

Today I am in a bad spot and I am going to shut down for self-protection. But my first call on Monday will be to my T to see if she can get me in early. I don't want to stay here but I know I need some guidance in getting out.

Its OK to take a break, but never OK to completely shut down. It took years to get to this point and it will take years to recover. Each person's recovery is individual and as you said you have already seen improvement. Keep striving and you will get there.

I will get there too, it is just there are times that life and PTSD knock you down. So tomorrow we get back up and fight.

Wishing you the best.

Debbie

 

[safenow]

Hi Thinkingman,

I can so relate to how you feel. I have felt that way so many times. My gosh, too many times. I'm old now, 67 years out of which 65 have been spent in one type of trauma or living in the world of PTSD. Now that I've said that, I want you to know that during that time, I've also had months and years of not being triggered. I've had months and months of living in a world free from pain and nightmares. Days and nights of being able to function well, hold a job, etc.

This past year I had another trauma in which my fear factor got triggered again. I started to pull myself together, when I had a bad trigger and ended up falling off a bridge (accidentally) and got physically hurt. But once again,I got up and continued going. Now, I'm slipping again for a reason out of my control. I have an appointment with my therapist this coming Friday to get some help to put everything back into prospective.

My point in telling you these things is "don't give up". You saw some relief for a little while. Know that it can happen again. Just because you and I have PTSD doesn't mean we can't have happy days. As long as you keep fighting, you can find peace and happiness.

I pray for you to keep trying.

 

[The Albatross]

Improvement is improvement. It is sometimes not as much as I want or when I want, but I still am improving and I can't know what my "maximum operating level" is because it is slow, but it has continued to improve. 11-12 weeks is very soon considering how long you were stuck in the situations surrounding your traumas. Give yourself the gift of time and patience. I like to think that I'm at least as invested in my healing as I was in my traumas and "good things come to he/she who waits".

 

[WillyKat]

ThinkingMan. I don't think there are enough numbers to count how many times I've felt that. And the really shitty thing is, only one notch better is like a good day for me.

But I think we get tired of fighting. I tried to explain it to someone once that you can't run away from this crap, cuz you'll be chased relentlessly forever and eventually overtaking. The second you get too tired to run, you dwell on your issues. The only way out of this is to turn and fight the monster.

There's a line in a song by Bruce Cockburn, "Lovers in a Dangerous Time" about kicking at the darkness 'til it bleeds daylight. Always means a lot to me.