General Recently Separated And Need Advice About Kids

[discarded]

I recently left my sufferer (6 weeks ago) and took our daughter with me. She is 11. She has had very little to do with her dad as he was deployed a lot and then developed PTSD. He has rarely has time for her, or anyone else, withdrew from us completely.

She doesn't want to see him and he really hasn't asked to see her either, except when his mother guilts him into putting in some effort. He then blames me that she doesn't want to see him which really isn't true. Is anyone else in this position?

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi, I am so sad you have to live like this. It sounds very complicated with toxic family involvements, the mon guilting the son.

I think your daughter is normal for what she has been through. It sounds like she does not know him at all. I wish you the best in sorting this one out. My heart goes out to you. I hate to see the kids get torn between the two parents.

I am wishing you the best and rooting you on. I hope that someone will come along that has had to deal with your situation. Sorry I cannot be of more help, but I thought you deserved a response. Big hugs.

 

[discarded]

Thanks Gizmo.

 

[Eleanor]

11 is a trick-sey age. 11 year olds can be deep. And who knows what they are thinking. I'd guess she has a lot of feelings and thoughts about the breakup. How much does she know about PTSD? About why you are splitting up? Not how much do you think she knows, or want her to know, how much does she actually know?
If she has seen him when he was unwell, you should probably have her do some counseling with a therapist who deals with kids who have had traumatic home situations.

She may have "tided herself over" with lots of fantasies about how it would be wonderful when daddy came home to stay... or maybe she isn't particularly imaginative and just took his absence for granted. What kind of kid is she?

In either case, you'd do well to give her the opportunity to have a "surrogate father" or develop a close relationship with an uncle or grandfather ASAP. Girls need strong men in their lives just like boys do.

I'm so sorry it has turned out like this for you and your husband.:cry: Take good care of you and your children.

 

[discarded]

Thanks Eleanor. My 11 year old is a very mature young lady. She is the youngest of 4 with a 10 year gap between her and her brother. She has grown up in a mostly adult world and we all tend to forget how young she is. She seems to be coping ok and I have discussed counselling for her with my psychologist who thinks it my be a good idea for to have some counselling too.

Her 21 year old brother (who is also army) has recently been posted to our home town and stays with us a fair bit. He does tend to boss her a bit. The sad thing is that she thinks this is how her father has always been, the older 3 know differently.

It has now been 7 weeks and he still has not made any real attempt to see her. He suggest a time that he knows will not work then say he has tried. I assume it is all too hard for him right now.

 

[Nicolette]

Discarded you are dealing with a double edged sword.

After going through a divorce of my own, being a single mother, being with someone who has PTSD and dealing with his ex wife and their young children I honestly believe that someone always ends up hurt.

While your sufferer is not being the parent you or your daughter would like him to be he is still her father and I have learned that, it is best for you to encourage some sort of relationship and let them work it out between themselves. Your relationship with this man is separate. Your daughter will make her decision but until she is mature enough to do so you have the chance to instill good values in her and every bad situation brings with it something positive which will be carried forward in life.

Please don't punish him for his PTSD if he is not hurting your daughter. He may be distant, he may let her down and he may only be capable of less than you would like. I have been on the outside looking in watching my husband have visitation with his children and the pressure combined with that of the strain and stress with his ex made it very taxing on him. I don't however doubt for one minute that he loved his children - his illness and circumstances made it difficult and in the end his ex made it so difficult that his only choice was to walk away and I miss those kids so I can't imagine how he feels being his own children.

On the other hand, my son's father was a continual disappointment to him during his teenage years but once I got past my hurt I realised, from my own father passing and not knowing him due to my mother making access so difficult that he too ended up keeping distant, that it is not my place to choose for my son. My son has a right to a relationship with his father as long as his father does not hurt him as then I would move heaven and earth to stop it. That being said my son being let down from his father not turning up as promised and just disappointing him as a person is not something I should interfere with. Yes unfortunately there is the need to deal with it by having to pick up the pieces but her father is ill - I feel she needs to know that. I believe you can only be there for your children and guide them as they grow but life is not perfect and a reality they will eventually learn so there is no better place when you can be there by their side.

I see both sides and what I'm trying to say is that until they work it out between themselves I believe you have to be supportive and encourage a relationship even if it means comforting your daughter when her father has let her down. Then you will always have a clear conscious and your daughter will be unlikely to resent you if she rarely sees her father without you having to point the finger. Does this make sense?

 

[ms spock]

That you are able to consider your daughter's needs after only 6 weeks of separation is a testatment to you discarded.

discarded, I was wondering if you can have a neutral place where your can drop your daughter to see her Dad? She is only 11, but can she sit in a fastfood place with a book or her music, to wait and see her father? Maybe if this is not appropriate now but later on it could be a strategy.

Might she be saying she doesn't want to see her father out of loyalty to you, discarded? Before things went sour did she and you used to get excited when your ex/ her Dad came home from being deployed? It could be that she has cut off from him after the distance and the disappointments. Whichever way it is it would be good if you could give her permission to see her father and have a relationship with him. Imperfect as that relationship may be. You could prepare her for disappointment by explaining that her Dad has a mental illness and the possible repercussions of being late, not turning up, not always getting it right and so forth. This could be a good way of teaching the people mostly don't get it right, but you take the good of them and leave them with their stuff.

Even if they have a small relationship at this time - later on, if he gets well, it means she doesn't have to carry the burden of rejection, and he doesn't have to carry the burden of being a bad Dad and crappy husband - if he can at least sort it out with her.

Perhaps if he blames you for her not wanting to see him, you can reassure him that as he spends more time with her on a regular basis, even once a fortnight, that this will improve. I know that his mother guilting him in to seeing his daughter is not the best look, but at least he cares enough to make a little bit of an effort - and his mother does care about her granddaughter. It is something at least. That something can make a big difference to your daughter's sense of identity and sense of belonging.

I imagine that this is very raw for you discarded, and most painful. I feel for you. The end of relationship is a difficult thing to deal with, but when someone has withdrawn in to their own PTSD fog, that must be particularly painful. Your little girl will have a much better outcome as a teenager and young woman if she has some contact with her Dad.

Like Nicolette I have seen both sides and it is fraught and so difficult. Can you make sure you get lots of support dealing with him around your daughter? You so deserve it! And it will help the little girl that is your daughter so much - from basic things from self esteem to teen pregnancy.

 

[discarded]

Thank you to everyone for your support and advice. I can assure you all that I am doing my best to encourage my daughter to see her dad. She is aware that he is not well and may not be up to seeing her too much yet. They have started to communicate via skype, even if briefly.

I do think you might have a point and she is trying to be loyal to me. I have talked about this with her and she says she just doesn't like him very much, that he picks on her when I am not around and she doesn't like it. I also think he may avoid her because she is attached to me and might have to see me in order to see her. I have spoken at length to my psychologist about this and his suggestion was to let things settle for awhile, let her be comfortable in her new surroundings, give him the space he requested too.

I understand the right of all children to have a relationship with both parents but not if it is putting them in harms way or is crushing their confidence. I don't think her father has too much to offer at the moment and is preferring it this way. He really hasn't made any effort, has forgotten to turn up to school concerts and left me to cover for him, which I have. I don't want to paint a bad picture of him, I love this man and I know that in time and with professional help things will hopefully get better. I am the one encouraging her to have a relationship with him. He hasn't bothered contacting our eldest daughter or bothered to see his grandkids either. It is early days and we are all struggling.

Today I really hate this illness and what it has done to my family.

 

[amethist]

The best thing you can do is basically what you are doing now discarded.

As long as he does not feel you are stopping her seeing him, then he has nothing to argue about with that one.

She is old enough to know her own mind, let her decide when the time comes. If she decides she does not want to see him, then leave the door open for her to change her mind as time goes on.

Its tough for kids in the situation without PTSD, so I cannot imagine how hard it must be for them with it.

Being there for her is all you can do just now, no matter what she decides.

 

[ms spock]

Thank you to everyone for your support and advice. I can assure you all that I am doing my best to encourage my daughter to see her dad. She is aware that he is not well and may not be up to seeing her too much yet. They have started to communicate via skype, even if briefly.

Well it seemed to me that you were not only supporting your daughter to see her Dad but that you were also looking for other ways to facilitate your daughter's and her father's relationship.

You have set your daughter up for success with educating her about her father's PTSD. This is a gift of understanding and also insight for her life growing up as a child who is touched by PTSD. She will understand more about the things happening in her life. You are giving her choices and ideas and concepts to work with. She will have more of an idea it has little to do with her what her father does, when he does and doesn't turn up.

Even if your daughter is only talking briefly to her father that is good and hopefully being on Skype gives her a sense of agency.

I do think you might have a point and she is trying to be loyal to me. I have talked about this with her and she says she just doesn't like him very much, that he picks on her when I am not around and she doesn't like it.

Your daughter may or may not be being loyal to you. You are aware of this and you have talked to her about it and that is pretty good. If you can give her permission to see her father, in ways that are safe and comfortable that would be good.

If your daughter is giving this feedback about her Dad saying mean things to her (and he might be or he might just have a sense of humour she doesn't get or she might be being loyal to you and not liking her father to keep in the good books with you) so it would be good if her grandmother could be there, or that they only see a movie, meet at a fast food joint or have her older sibling there or even take a couple or so friends along with her. If she is feeling picked on, then having another person/s there will safeguard her to a certain extent. If her Dad is tormenting her you don't want your commitment to her relationship with her father override your daughter's emotional safety. He can see her in a semi-supervised situation with other family members, school friends or in public. One of the things is that Dad's do get to take out the school friends out with his kids to fun parks and the like and that might be easier instead of one and one.

I also think he may avoid her because she is attached to me and might have to see me in order to see her. I have spoken at length to my psychologist about this and his suggestion was to let things settle for awhile, let her be comfortable in her new surroundings, give him the space he requested too.

Your daughter could go with her grandmother or be at her elder sister's house when her father visits. Her father doesn't have to see you to see her, if that is practical. He might be feeling a lot of shame at the break up of his relationship with you. You are able to keep your head and think about your child's need at such a time of great loss for your self. This is impressive.

I think letting your daughter settle in to her new space is good.

If her father wants space that is good that he has asked for this. That is taking responsibility.

I understand the right of all children to have a relationship with both parents but not if it is putting them in harms way or is crushing their confidence. I don't think her father has too much to offer at the moment and is preferring it this way. He really hasn't made any effort, has forgotten to turn up to school concerts and left me to cover for him, which I have. I don't want to paint a bad picture of him, I love this man and I know that in time and with professional help things will hopefully get better. I am the one encouraging her to have a relationship with him. He hasn't bothered contacting our eldest daughter or bothered to see his grandkids either. It is early days and we are all struggling.

It is hard when everyone is struggling. You don't want to deny your daughter her father and you don't want to force her in to seeing her father. It is a very difficult situation to be in.

Her father might not have much to offer at this stage but don't surmise he is happy with things being this way. I am not happy with how the PTSD has impacted on my life and relationships. Never assume these things because that is more the pain of a break up coming through and the pain of being abandoned by one's partner. On the other hand I agree entirely that you have to monitor the situation and make sure that your daughter's confidence is not compromised by her father's mental illness. Having opportunities for other people to be there could be a good strategy in that regard - rollerskating is a fun and active and there is music and going around and around in a circle.

Her father is flawed by his PTSD and whether he chooses to heal from that is his choice. He might never be the type of father that you hope for your daughter but he is her father and her relationship (as you are well aware) is pretty important. Nicolette is right about for them to work it out for themselves, within reason, of course.
I hope that this makes sense and doesn't leave you feeling like your feelings of someone who has lost so much to PTSD and your relationship as being minimised.

Today I really hate this illness and what it has done to my family.

I can only imagine!

 

[discarded]

Thanks Ms Spock. You have made some very valid points. I can't possibly know how is feeling and as he won't communicate how is feeling with anyone then I only have his actions to go on. Fair or not that is how it is. I will never stop my daughter from seeing her father if that is what she wants, her siblings have offered to go with her to see him but she still declines. I do not trust her grandmother and her grandmother has shown no interest in her her whole life, plus she does not live in the same state as us, so that is not an option and one I doubt my daughter would be comfortable with.

I am doing my best to explain the situation to my daughter so that she can see that her father's disinterest in her really has nothing to with her but rather his present state of mind. I will continue to encourage her to have a relationship with him but I am at a loss as to how I encourage him. Anything I say is taken as a judgement and put down by him. I don't want to push him and there is no point in adding to his stress at the moment if she really isn't keen. I am working toward them seeing each other at Christmas and over the holidays when I am at work.

Thanks to everyone who has commented. Much of it I didn't want to hear, but I needed to and it has helped a lot.