I grew up in a prominent, prosperous family that look enviable on the outside but was a living hell on the inside. Unbeknownst even to me, my father was mentally ill. He did not begin to decompose until I was in my 20s and then more fully as I turned 30. The diagnosis did not come until almost 20 years after than. In part he suffered ffrom bipolar disorder, OCD and Narcissitic personality disorder.
He actually taught me to fear and to live in fear but he couched it in terms of character development. And I bought it and I believed that I was lacking, sorely lacking in character and I lived into that view of myself.
He taught me to believe that I am a failure, worthless, undeserving. He lead me to believe that I could not have access to the necessary resources to complete anything and to provide for myself.
Now my father is dead and though I have spent over 20 years trying to "heal" I am now on a new journey with a new outlook and a new concept.
No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it." ~ Albert Einstein
I am so thankful for finding this place. I really long to connect with others about PTSD. For me, the absolute worst part of it is the omnipresent anxiety. I spent some years working on overcoming the wretchedness of anxiety and used many, many techniques. Then I thought I had been successful only to discoer recently that unwittingly I had merely suppressed large parts of it where it has silently been wreaking wretched havoc all along.
So today I am taking a new approach. I am acknowledging it when it strikes (when doesn't it) naming the link or the source (I have a long list of triggers) and exposing it to the light. But what is new for me is to connect to the feeling of love while I "feel" the anxiety. As I do this I do slowly but surely feel some relief. Mostt of all this gives me the ability to avoid suppressing it any more.
So I hope to have a place where I can share both the experiences that led to the PTSD and a place where I can write about what I am doing to release the horrible feelings the keep me in their grips - all day, all night. I want to have a life, a life where I can actually function and flourish rather than a liffe where I figuratively and literally hide from fear.
He actually taught me to fear and to live in fear but he couched it in terms of character development. And I bought it and I believed that I was lacking, sorely lacking in character and I lived into that view of myself.
He taught me to believe that I am a failure, worthless, undeserving. He lead me to believe that I could not have access to the necessary resources to complete anything and to provide for myself.
Now my father is dead and though I have spent over 20 years trying to "heal" I am now on a new journey with a new outlook and a new concept.
No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it." ~ Albert Einstein
I am so thankful for finding this place. I really long to connect with others about PTSD. For me, the absolute worst part of it is the omnipresent anxiety. I spent some years working on overcoming the wretchedness of anxiety and used many, many techniques. Then I thought I had been successful only to discoer recently that unwittingly I had merely suppressed large parts of it where it has silently been wreaking wretched havoc all along.
So today I am taking a new approach. I am acknowledging it when it strikes (when doesn't it) naming the link or the source (I have a long list of triggers) and exposing it to the light. But what is new for me is to connect to the feeling of love while I "feel" the anxiety. As I do this I do slowly but surely feel some relief. Mostt of all this gives me the ability to avoid suppressing it any more.
So I hope to have a place where I can share both the experiences that led to the PTSD and a place where I can write about what I am doing to release the horrible feelings the keep me in their grips - all day, all night. I want to have a life, a life where I can actually function and flourish rather than a liffe where I figuratively and literally hide from fear.
