Relapse? Denial?

[99Phoenix99]

So it's been a while since I last posted. Something along the lines of 5 months.

I was improving. I got memories back but they were awful. And the stress made me forget them again. I was content with that.

I've been getting on with my life, being healthy, getting back to school... I thought I had fixed myself. I was feeling really good. And the memories stayed away. It was AMAZING. They just let me be. But the past month I've been triggered like no other. I've been in a really bad place. My ptsd stems from medical procedures and I had another surgery last month (that makes 4 surgeries in 3 years now). And tonight I can finally admit that I have been in denial. And I feel so ashamed of myself.

I dug myself out of that year long hole. I tried so Goddamn hard. And now i just feel like I'm back at square one. Almost every day all throughout the day memories just bombard me without mercy. Hell I was at a big Halloween party today and what should have ben a great night out has just left me in tear.

People. Noise. Memories. It's too much.

I'm in a hotel room with friends who had a good night andare currently knocked out asleep and all I want is to just .... Go home and isolate myself. Get away from all these things. These people and get to a safe place. I'd been looking forward to this for months and I'm so f*cking mad at myself that I can't get over this. I thought I had. I thought I fixed myself. How stupid.

Please tell me I'm not the only one to relapse like this.

 

[Reds]

You are not the only one, I sometimes relapse and hate myself for it. Last Thursday was our anniversary and he booked us a dinner table at a fine restaurant. Most of my stress comes from childhood abuse so when he came to pick me up he touched me in a way that triggered me, I knew at that point I no longer wanted to go out but I went anyway. When we got to the restaurant I just burst out in tears. I am still mad at myself.

I also hope someone can share some light on how we can deal with this.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Yes, it happens to all of us. It's the nature of the beast.

When times are good I always keep in mind that they can go sour again. It is a reminder to myself to keep up with my self-care so that I can do everything within my power to avoid a downward spiral.

 

[intothelight]

Relapse happens and it does suck. But on the flip side, once you've overcome and managed the symptoms in the past, it is not so hard the second, third, fourth, etc. time. I found the recovery is faster and the times between relapse is longer. Also, being attuned to the things that can/have caused a relapse and being prepared can go a long way in minimizing the effect.

I hope you find recovery path quickly and come out even stronger.

 

[franciemarnie]

To me, it's not a relapse at all. You just have more trauma energy to be processed.

Your survival brain - limbic - is doing its automatic job of flooding you with stress hormones to survive what it's somehow picking up in messages as Danger! Danger! Danger! It hijacks your thinking brain - neocortex. Your thinking brain says, What's your problem? Everything is fine! And you get demoralized. But your survival brain trumps your thinking brain. It rules the day if activated.

You are doing fine. I know you don't feel fine, but there is just more work to be done. It's not that you didn't give it your best. You did fantastic. You had a break for a while but now you need to continue to do more healing work.

 

[Britt.f7]

Please do not be mad at yourself. This happens sometimes. If you were able to control it, it wouldn't have happened. Being mad at one's self does not make it better. Please be good to yourself. Do what you can in the situation you are in. Love yourself. Be kind.

 

[ill]

I think setbacks and plateaus are an inevitable part of the recovery process. I used to be really terrified of them, because I was afraid that lack of progress = a relapse = my completely falling apart all over again, but my counselor reminded me that it wouldn't be a relapse. I am not in the same place that I was when I first had my breakdown, and even if horrible, terrible things happen, I have more resources (coping mechanisms, understanding, counseling, etc) than I had before. I'm not in the same place I was, and even if I have a setback, it's not the same thing as a relapse. It doesn't mean that I'm going to fall apart or that I won't be able to put myself back together again. Thinking about it like this has helped. It no longer feels like the end of the world when I'm not constantly making progress. I need to rest, and giving myself that time and space, that freedom from the non-stop work and pressure I place on myself to manage my PTSD and "get better" actually lets me recover faster.

Part of that is not beating myself up for having a bad day. Some days are just shitty, bad days and it sucks, but it's not the end of the world. I think sometimes for us it can feel like it is. A bad day means so much more than just a bad day - it means we're not trying hard enough, that we're not getting it right, that we'll never get it right, that we're not good enough, that we're doomed, insert your variation here. When in reality, everybody has bad days. But with us, it's not just a bad day but somehow our "fault" and we begin to beat the crap out of ourselves for having the wrong feelings, for doing the wrong things, for having PTSD, for not being okay. For me, learning to exercise a little gentleness toward myself helped. Letting myself have a bad day without it meaning more helped. Just doing as much as I could to make my day as nice as I could, helped.

Being triggered doesn't mean you're failing or not making progress. It doesn't mean you're not trying, and thankfully, it doesn't mean you're back to square one even though I definitely get that feeling - remember how much progress you've made. That progress didn't disappear just because you're having a hard time. You're just having a hard time - which sucks, absolutely, but it doesn't mean that your hard work hasn't paid off. Look at how clearly you've been able to talk about your feelings here! I don't know about you, but at the beginning of my PTSD journey, I definitely wouldn't have been able to be so articulate and I wouldn't have been able to identify my triggers as clearly as you did. I would argue that that's progress.

I'd also argue that mental health and PTSD management are fluid. Some days (or months or years) are easier or harder than others. Sometimes you'll be more easily stressed than other times, sometimes you'll need more peace or quiet than other times. It doesn't mean that you're back to the beginning again, it just means that what you need to take care of yourself is different. And if you make that the goal instead of being well or better or normal (which often tend to be standards or ideals outside of ourselves that we impose on ourselves), it might be easier.

 

[99Phoenix99]

I want to thank everyone for their replies. I really appreciate them and I've read them over and over again.

I'm really overwhelmed right now and I can't reply in a manner that I'd like to just yet. I'm still pretty upset and it's hard to put together a good coherent thought.

But I just wanted to let you all know that I really appreciate all the replies I've gotten, especially in such a short period of time. It really comforted me that you all could understand where I'm coming from and I can't even explain to you how much that means to me.

I... I am really struggling right now, and all your words mean a great deal to me.

Hopefully in a day or so I can calm down enough to really process all of this.

 

[Jenfa]

I used to think of some outbursts of emotion as a set back. omg I felt so bad about myself. After a while of feeling really terrible, I got so sick of it. It reminded me of a dog I had once. He was so bad, but we were best friends. I thought he wasn't trustworthy, but he always did exactly what I thought he would. He was more predictable than me, sort of like PTSD. Now the dog is gone, but I sort of have a new dog. PTSDog. lmao. I know I can't hate it because it's apart of me, but I do have to take care of it (and give it some love), or it will bite my butt :o