Relationship Patterns

[Casey_03]

Insomnia is good for at least one thing - scrupulous self examination. I have just realized why I have a habit of choosing men who are prone to disappoint me (something some of you mentioned in an earlier thread). My biggest trauma (I think?) occurred with a man who was my fiance at the time, when I was 20. We had been together for four years but he developed a nasty alcohol addiction, and towards the end, a full blown drug addiction. The end came when he suffered a psychotic break and attempted to kill me, held me in his apartment, apparently believing I was out to destroy him somehow, and tortured me. After that relationship, I didn't date anyone for several years. Those men I did date were either distant, unavailable or just arrogant, selfish takers. In short, they were all bad news. The reasoning for choosing them is clear to anyone who's been abused. But I have only just now realized the very disturbing mark that the first incident left on me, how it molded me: I am not afraid of a relationship failing, I am afraid of it working. I WANT the disappointment and the distance because it keeps me safe. It isn't just a matter of damaged self esteem; it's part of the very irrational imprint that the first relationship left on me ... that if I find "love" again, I have to be prepared to kill my "lover" should he suddenly turn on me. For me, that was the most scarring thing about that first relationship. It actually was like something out of a zombie movie, when someone's loved one has been bitten and they suddenly aren't that person anymore .. and then you have to kill your own loved one. I didn't actually kill the guy, obviously. But the most vivid memory I have of the whole event is when I broke free and we seemed to switch places, and I held a giant weight over his head, prepared to bring it down, but stopped and dropped it when I saw the fear in his eyes and realized I was about to become him if I did it.

 

[SeanCharles]

Wow! That's quite a realization, Thanks for Sharing.

 

[Senecia]

Insomnia sure does wonders for empiphanies huh? Im glad you came to that realization. Quite a doozy. Hopefully now that you have that in mind, it'll ease healing to a degree.

 

[Friday]

I quit dating people I could love, because I couldn't stand losing them.

I quit dating people who could love me, because I was tired of hurting them, always being the bad guy in a relationship.

I did both these things on purpose... And then forgot I did them, much less why. You can imagine my marriage. Regrettable is the nicest thing that could be said about it. Took me a helluva long time to sort out how & why that all happened.

You've learned something important. Try to put it to use instead of being like me and immediately forgetting it, because it hurts.

 

[scout86]

Realizing that's got to be a big step on the way to getting past it, huh? At least insomnia is good for something!

@FridayJones , my old wedding ring hangs on my key chain, where I see it all the time. To remind me what happens when you give flip, not so well thought out answers to serious questions that can have major consequences.

I don't know about your reasons, though. Losing people sucks. But, when I look back at the people I've cared about and lost, and I ask myself, "If I could do it all over again, even knowing what it would cost in the end, would I?" The answer is "In a heartbeat!" Because it really IS better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, IMO. You don't have the loss, true, but you don't have anything else either. And as far as hurting someone else? It's hard to interact with our fellow creatures without getting the occasional wound. Most of them aren't life threatening and we recover. You are WAY too cool to keep yourself to yourself. You know what they say, "You pick up your cards and you take your chances." :whistling:

 

[shrinkingviolet]

I too spent years dating the wrong guys, knowing it would never work out. When I met my husband, I knew he was different and it terrified me. I tried pushing him away, but he wouldn't give up on me. Marrying him was a huge leap of faith and I had to face my fears head on but it was so worth it. He loves me for me, I'm still amazed by it all.