Relationships Are Hard Labor

[Red Dog]

Both my partner and I are PTSD sufferers and we've been together for almost two years. During the past year I have worked a lot taking very few vacation days because my partner has not been able to work because of his symptoms. He has been working for the last two weeks and everything is going well so far with him, but I have been having a lot of mixed emotions.

I understand that a change like this requires adjusting, but I haven't really felt as happy as I thought I would now that he is working. I think this is in part because my physical health hasn't been great and it's affecting my mood. Anyway he told me that he doesn't think I'm being supportive to him and although I definitely think that I could be more supportive, I feel very angry for him to say that to me. I have financially supported him for over a year foregoing vacation days, constantly dealing with the stress of making ends meet (putting my credit in jeopardy in the process) and shouldering more than my share of stress. I have literally put off my own plans of following my own plans and dreams because of him. I resent the fact that he would tell me that I don't support him after I have sacrificed so much.

I feel myself getting worn down by the arguing. Even though I know this relationship is awesome, sometimes I just feel like giving up. It's like I never get a break from having to work on myself constantly. Anyway I think I might join a CBT group...there is one nearby and I think it would help.

 

[The Albatross]

If you overlooked the financial aspect, maybe you could engage him on what kind of "support" he is looking for. Maybe it's not financial? If it is financial, somebody needs to get hit with the clue bat (figuratively, not literally) and you can let him know that because you love him you have sacrificed some of your own wants/needs/desires because you're fully invested in making it work.

At one point I was so exasperated with my husband I blurted out, "What the hell do you want from me a contract written in blood? I'm a fully vested partner and I'm doing what I can to help you realize that I do care about you and you're stressing me out... quit it."

If you're arguing, one or both of you need some communication skills and some agreed upon rules for engagement... and way to problem solve together as partners. It is hard to have the conversation... but if you're feeling resentment, you really need to Red Dog. I don't like some of my husbands way of talking to me or what he says, but he's saying it because he means it, just like I'm saying what I say because I mean it. We had to learn how to communicate effectively without crossing over into arguments and fights. Our motto hangs in our living room above the doorway to the bedrooms and it says, "Speak without offending, listen without defending." It is better for us and I hope it will get better for you too.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Maybe he just wanted a little encouragement?

I mean, if you've been stressed for so long, maybe he expected you to be a little bit happier that he's finally getting back on his feet.

Maybe he feels "oh great, I'm working but it's STILL not good enough because she's still grouchy!" And so on....

 

[ashdawn8287]

Google the 5 languages of love.

 

[Red Dog]

We talked last night after I cooled down (part of the problem with arguing is my anger reaches dangerous heights). I actually do feel like I am not being supportive in the way he needs me to be even if I have been supportive in other ways.

By the way, you're right, ScaredofLonely, he probably feels disappointed that I wasn't more happy about it, but I told him it's not that I'm not proud of him, it's just that I'm afraid of change sometimes just like anyone eles. It took me so long to get used to the caregiver role and I never thought it would be so hard to give it up.

Ultimately I think I've spent so much time blaming our problems on our financial situation that when the financial picture got better, I realized that I was wrong. I have a lot of work to do on my own. Being in a long-term relationship really reveals to you who you are, you have to face yourself.

Anyway I think now I am going to at least try the CBT group. I have been feeling grouchy a lot and emotionally exhausted for weeks now and I am tired of feeling this way. It will definitely help my relationship also. It's worth a try!

Btw, thanks for the tip Ashdawn, 5 languages...it's very interesting!