Relationships, What Is Expected, What Do You Do?

[NarcSis]

First you have to work on you, this is true, it sounds like because you have a low self view, you're not coming across as someone people want to be around, not because it's true but because a negative self view is clouding your appearance.

Who do you want to be? What small changes in your behaviour can you make to Be that person? My Mom always used to say, you have to love yourself first, once you do others will be drawn to your confidence.

Tips on interacting - don't over share with someone you've just met, focus on finding commonalities, tv/movies/books/sports just about anything and relax, don't over think, listen and respond. A lot of socially awkward people don't listen because they're too lost in their heads worrying about how or what to talk about. Don't miss an opportunity to connect with another human being, stay sober and stay engaged in that interaction.

Part of my therapy involved Chit Chat - I had to strike up spontaneous conversations with people in lines, at checkouts etc. it was tough, took patience, perseverance and eating a lot of humble pie. Eventually you get the hang of it, the more you smile, the more people will respond positively.

Baby steps, the world wasn't created overnight.

 

[Bilby]

I really like Medic72's posts - very very informative and very very true. The bits about relationships being hard work is incredibly true - they constantly require work, from both sides.

I like the suggestion about striking up conversation - that could be a very good starting point.

 

[saffy]

Thanks Medic,

Can I explain further?

Firstly, I do not share anything about myself and rather wait for them to ask, if they are interested they will. I always ask them about themselves to find common ground and most love to talk about themselves to a point they are unwilling to even listen to my responses, or if I have something in common with them I talk about my experiences about the same and it gets brushed off quickly so they can return to talk about themselves again.

I am a good listener, very considerate, probably too much, empathic, caring, have a good sense of humour, am honest, have integrity and am very laid back. I am non judgemental and hate gossip.

Nothing seems to bother me and I can just move on from things quite easily. I can walk out as easily as I walk in. Stuff like that doesn't bother me if it is my decision.

I am quite spiritual and have good virtues.

If anyone read that on a lonely hearts they would think I was a great girl. People have told me never to change I am great the way I am, So what else am I doing wrong?

I have thought about what you have said, and others, and I know that I cannot take any praise or compliments, if anyone does I immediately distrust them, because I think they are being patronising. I am no more special than anyone else and getting praise for something I think is not worth it makes me feel patronised.

I am not very intimate either, this scares me. I just do not know what to say or do, never having good role models for this I suppose makes it harder. I either go over the top with familiarity or put a wall up and do not reach out.

People tend to get the wrong idea, single men think I am a cougar or coming on to them, I am just over friendly, I suppose, and tactile, or was, I got so many rejections and people getting the wrong idea I now keep myself to myself. Which makes me sad that I cannot share the lurve, so to say without people getting the wrong idea.

I was told by someone ages ago that if I go out be careful not to talk to men in a relationship because the girls will definitely find me threatening. what shit. I do not want anyone man. I want to talk to both of them but women can be such bitches. Unfortunately at my age everyone I know is in a relationship, anyone single runs a mile, I think this is because they think I am trying to pull them when I am definitely not.

If I invite people out they make excuses or not turn up. I just want some company and make sure they know that.

I can also talk to people in lines ect, as you have suggested, that is not the problem, I can be very chatty, but it seems that it is getting beyond the just acquaintances part is what I do not understand to do. :( (I have lots of those, who I can say hello how was your day too. But that's it, it doesn't go any further than that, not that I do not try to connect. If that makes sense.

I suppose I have it down to a tea being polite and friendly on that level but what to do next to build it is beyond me totally. It is like there is something missing that I should be doing but do not, what is that missing link? I ask myself.

arghh, it is so frustrating and my head hurts now as I am going round in circles, even for me what I have written doesn't make sense rationally.

I must have some really warped thought processes ;)

Thanks for all you comments Medic, I appreciate your input. :)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[NarcSis]

Saffy, from what you say, you are not doing anything wrong. I too find people these days extremely self absorbed and like you, being a good listener makes it difficult to contribute to a conversation.

It's frustrating. Society and the way we interact is changing, it's actually making me sort of hate people these days. Keep doing what you're doing, maybe you'll run into that one person who places some value in you. That's all I've got sorry, other than some antiquated advice from my gramma - "Men will fall in love with a woman who listens to them talk." - not sure if that's still relevant.

 

[p-no]

I thought you were commenting on my problem

I was commenting on yours with mine. Some of it might be valid for you as well. At least, I would consider it worth looking at. Since I don't know you I can only share my experience and you can see if some of it is valid for you. It seems not to be.

Wishing you well.

 

[quaintpapercut]

In the early days of my relationship, I looked at him as a potential good friend, we became that because I was relaxed and myself, not trying to portray myself as something i felt he would like. Once that step was achieved it just grew from there.

I think this is excellent advice/insight :). I think one of the things that made my current relationship so different from others is that we were really good friends first. We got to know one another separate from the pretence of a relationship.

There were things that had to be worked out though as a result of doing it friends first. We probably shouldn't have shared so much about our respective love lives WHILE we were friends. He was dating someone very casually and I was nursing the most catastrophic heart break I ever had.

I don't know you apart from online but you seem like a really lovely person who is kind, insightful and intelligent. Your also very self aware - something that I find about 99% of the population lacks. As much as we need to focus on ourselves and be mindful of our patterns always remember that it takes two people to create a dynamic. You are not wholly at fault for the demise of all of your relationships.

 

[quaintpapercut]

As a female though I do have other needs and the only way to find some sort of intimacy is through drunken one night stands. I cannot be intimate sober. Maybe that is my next problem?

:tup:

Which is great but I could really do with a hug and someone just to say things will be OK.

:hug: It will all be ok! Things can sometimes feel really overwhelming but I think your asking the right questions and doing the right thing.

People tend to get the wrong idea, single men think I am a cougar or coming on to them, I am just over friendly, I suppose, and tactile, or was, I got so many rejections and people getting the wrong idea I now keep myself to myself. Which makes me sad that I cannot share the lurve, so to say without people getting the wrong idea.

I'm sorry. That's a horrible way to be perceived.

arghh, it is so frustrating and my head hurts now as I am going round in circles, even for me what I have written doesn't make sense rationally.

Like someone said - baby steps! Your doing fine and I think what you wrote makes perfect sense.

 

[saffy]

Your also very self aware

That is true, never really thought about it that way, I so wish I wasn't sometimes though.

I too find people these days extremely self absorbed

That is definitely true, Medic and I am surrounded by them in this village, so that does not help the matter. Maybe I should move to a new place and start again? who knows, this pattern has followed me through every move so it makes me a bit sceptical that by moving it will help. I can't keep running away I suppose.

Wishing you well.

Thanks for all your input, including yours Prime-no of course, I did not mean to offend. :)

I will mull over this lot over again to try to make some of it make sense to me.

I need to grow and develop inside I think so that I can cope with rejection better.

This thread has been very helpful and it was good to write down my thoughts about it and getting such good responses. Thank you all again.

best wishes

Saffy :)