Relationships With Men

[ladybug08]

I find relationships hard too. I was just talking to someone last year, and I could not handle it. It was not serious, but it stressed me out so much that I could not stand talking to him. I felt numb, I did not trust anything he said, I always thought he was playing games, and it drove me crazy.

 

[Nicolette]

You know what, despite the abuse and despite some of the despicable men who are out there.............don't forget that it does not make you lesser a woman if you don't have a man in your life, if you choose to be celibate or if you are still a virgin. I think women, due to pressures from society, often get caught up trying to value themselves by their relationship status. You are all beautiful women and I feel for you for the suffering you have experienced from men.

 

[ruddy]

don't orget that it does not make you lesser a woman if you don't have a man in your life

Nicolette,

You are so correct on that. I know that I may never find love again and I'm okay with that. I certainly don't have a sense of urgency. On the other hand I don't want to deny the possibility and isolate myself socially. Who knows? I could be cheating myself if I do that. In my case it's also taking the easy way out - not having the courage to heal the trauma, face my fears, and embrace life to the fullest.

Ruddy

 

[Deleted member 541]

I think somewhere in my brain I want abusive men in my life. At least that's what I have always ended up with. Jerks, abusive, liars, or just plain creeps. Could be I just pick the jerks, or they pick me. Either way, I have given up. I stopped dating after the last one nearly drove me into financial ruin.

It's been almost 10 years, and I have to say, it's better than putting up with the crap. I even get the remote control all to myself. LOL!!!!!

 

[nor]

Thanks Nicolette for your words of encouragment.

I was brought up to base my existence on how useful I could be to men. That is still how my parents think. That is why I continue to have such a difficult time with men.

I was betrayed, abused and abandoned by all the important men in my life, so I am made to believe that I have and continue to fail.

I used to have friends that were men-and I can honestly say that may have been the happiest I had ever been. No sexual expectations, no duties to be addressed. Just friends-but they found women to be intimate with, and the women didn't want me around.

As I said earlier, I was made to think that I wasn't the marrying type, and should be thrilled when asked. So, I married the first person who asked me-and then I was "normal".

My life's decisions were based on what others thought to be the "norm". I wanted to fit in. I didn't want to be different. And now, I am paying for it.

Thanks for the kind words. They were nice to read and encouraging.

 

[cas435]

hi there......

no you are not going crazy! i have just lost my boyfriend because of my PTSD symptoms.Once again i feel an outcast in society with regard to men,they see you get anxious and overly so,they dump you,they consider you a "nutcase" or "fruitcake" in my case.the very words are destructive too anyone,but too someone who suffers with PTSD they can be catastrophic in thier effect as i am battling with now..

 

[Grama-Herc]

Peanut

As far as relationships with men are concerned, it is best I avoid them at all costs. After several years in therapy dealing with my 4 failed marriages, plus the multiple others I didn't marry, my T and I decided that I was incapable of having a true and real relationship. His reasoning, my father was so miserable to me and treated me so poorly that I had no point of reference to guide me.

I was actually choosing men exactly like my father. Now I realize that my situation is not exactly the same as being abused but emotional abuse is just as damaging as physical abuse.

But I still wish I knew why we, as women, continue to pick the loosers and abusers. I have stated my attitude on men before, but I think it deserves being said again. Especially in this post. If I get the urge for a man in my life I'll just get another cat!

 

[kers]

don't forget that it does not make you lesser a woman if you don't have a man in your life, if you choose to be celibate or if you are still a virgin.

This is very true, and I thank you for your lovely words of encouragement, Nicolette.

It remains frustrating for me because it doesn't feel like I'm choosing to be this way. I'm unable to have a relationship because I'm so afraid to trust another human, particular a man. I think it would be easier to swallow, so to speak, if I chose this path, but it feels like this path forced itself on me (like so much else about my PTSD). That's why I have to believe that all my work in therapy might move me closer to what I do want, an intimate relationship with another person.

 

[Nicolette]

But I still wish I knew why we, as women, continue to pick the loosers and abusers.

I found I used to be attracted to men like the father figures in my life as I was trying to "fix" them (stop them abusing me), subconsciously thinking it would fix the past. Once I realised that my relationships with men changed....food for thought!

 

[Grama-Herc]

That is exactly what my T told me. But one would think that once this has enlightens us we would understand and change our method of selecting the men in our lifes. Since we don't that is why I adopted my new motto.

I am the worst judge of character you have ever met. I'm so bad, my T gave me permission to avoid men and to just not date--period. Which by the way is ok with me. Don't need the headache. Plus, the statement made about not needing a man to complete your life is so true.

I am so sorry you feel that your lack of trust was forced upon you. I really hope that through your therapy you do regain the kind of life and relationship you want.

 

[upstream]

he wanted sex immediately and was disrespectful of me.

Batgirl, I would recommend looking around for a good service/volunteer organization. In my experience they tend to be full of high character men and women, better than the average Joe.

Normally I would never suggest to someone to go to a volunteering event to find a date... however I've found that volunteering helps with my PTSD symptoms. Helps with the self esteem, and gets the mind of its own problems. Who knows, maybe you'll bump into a decent guy who will recognize how lucky he is to have you!

 

[Portabella]

I have severe trust issues and relationships are built on trust. I have been living with the same man for almost 9 years, its a relationship of convienience, but its not a relationship really, we are roommates if the truth be told and I actually prefer this. If we break up or take seperate residences someday, I will not date or see anyone again. I CHOOSE this, I am not deemed this, its just not worth the hassle/work for me. For now we share a bed, for sleeping that is, but....when one of my kids moves out and frees up a room we are going to revert back to the 1950's, I want my own room.....oh well...just wanted you to know your not crazy.