Relationships With Men

[strawberryburns]

I've gotten to the point that I almost look at men as not human, like they are all predators and I must always be on guard with them. I just don't trust any of them. I've been told my "picker is broken" and that I should give up and become a nun, but that wouldn't work since I don't have faith in any man's God. I can't seem to get a decent man into my life. Even the men that I had no choice in having in my life or not, like my bio dad and step satan, have brought me nothing but misery and pain. I'm dealing with my ex trying to get me back recently and it has totally messed with my head. I did however tell him that I wanted no part of him the other night, he has not made any of the changes he claimed to have made. I know I did the right thing. I want a healthy and happy relationship but for the life of me I can't seem to find a decent man who wants that from me.

 

[TDurden1937]

Well, I'm hesitant to put my two cents in . . . but that never stopped me.

Practical advice form a male . . .
1) feeling that romantic attraction to a male I would suggest is a danger sign. It would probably represent an effort to recreate that dysfunctional family of origin thing.
2) to find a good guy to have or try to have a relation with . . . look in places that nice guys are likely to hang, like volunteering . . . good idea. Church, groups doing good stuff for the community, help at thanksgiving downtown, . . .. then once ya got the attention of a guy, make him wait, months, don't let him in your house for a long time, take him to your moms or friends house for dinner, make him call you, only coffee or dinner, then find out who his friends are, get to know them, get to know the family, job history, past girlfriends, wives . . . authentic Christians can be good unless you find them intolerable. Some Christians are absolute assholes though. It's really like buying a used car unfortunately. I lucked out finding my wife. Good family, mom and dad Norwegian imagrant, hard working , Christian the good kind, sister nice, older brother a bastard but I didn't hold that against her. Not her fault. She's a nurse. Likes to help people. Lots of long time friends. No criminal connections. Was never a biker girl, etc. No dope, no prison, etc. That help. Probably not, eh.

 

[ruddy]

Was never a biker girl, etc.

:mad:

Hmm - tried to let this pass. Just couldn't do it. Never got a tattoo or joined any kind of cult like club with people wearing matching jackets. I never take a back seat either!

Is that why I'm single? Is it because I'm not a shy retiring waif, not willing to fein helplessness to feed someone else's ego?:dontknow:

I think I like having my hand on the throttle too much to give it up. I'm okay alone.:thumbs-up

 

[upstream]

:mad:
Is that why I'm single? Is it because I'm not a shy retiring waif, not willing to fein helplessness to feed someone else's ego?:dontknow:

I think I like having my hand on the throttle too much to give it up. I'm okay alone.:thumbs-up

Ruddy there are no shortage of men in this world who are attracted to strong, independent women. The motorcycle would probably be more of a turn on for them.

Some men prefer dolls, trophies, and maids. Some of us (including myself) are more interested in a partner than an object. But then again, there's nothing wrong with alone :wink:

 

[batgirl]

It's really like buying a used car unfortunately. I lucked out finding my wife.

Are you comparing women to used cars?? Or did I read wrong?

 

[ruddy]

Ruddy there are no shortage of men in this world who are attracted to strong, independent women.

Upstream, You're right. I've met several. That post was intended to raz Tdurden as much as anything else.

The men who prefer shy and retiring obviously aren't right for me. I can be a piece of work too. I struggle with an "I don't need any help from anybody" kind of attitude. That doesn't work. We all want to feel needed by our mates.

 

[TDurden1937]

Ah . . . . . batgirl, I am honestly rather distraught over your thinking I might make such an insensitive, demeaning comparison to another human being. In short no. I do not associate, or compare or see in any way or form, a woman as a used car. My wife just happened to be mention after my analogy about used cars. I guess I should have started a new paragraph at least.

It was attempting to use an analogy.

I value women as having a vital and useful contribution anywhere they might be, although I don't pretend to understand any particular woman. That is perhaps partially because I am a male who uses only one half of my brain, the logical side, most of the time.

I have suspected that women are more balanced than men, better at working together, more intuitive, sensitive, and generally smarter in a practical sense, etc.

In general, from what I've seen of "men", men do real good at killing things, fixin' things, 'causing trouble, and being extremely aggressive, etc. However, there are exceptions, those men who really do somehow get a clue and start using the other side of their brain and actually get rather balanced. PTSD is one way that happen's although I'd never claim to be balanced myself, I'd leave that to the judgment of others.

 

[TDurden1937]

Upstream, You're right. I've met several. That post was intended to raz Tdurden as much as anything else.

The men who prefer shy and retiring obviously aren't right for me. I can be a piece of work too. I struggle with an "I don't need any help from anybody" kind of attitude. That doesn't work. We all want to feel needed by our mates.

Well, . . . I am flattered that I have been accepted enough by the community to be the subject of "razzing". It make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside:)

 

[batgirl]

Ah . . . . . batgirl, I am honestly rather distraught over your thinking I might make such an insensitive, demeaning comparison to another human being.

Sorry, I didn't mean to offend you Doug. It wasn't an attack on you, and I wasn't thinking about you in the way you described above. I was just asking for clarification on what you wrote. The written word doesn't always come across clearly to me, especially given I have autism in addition to the PTSD. Thanks for the explanation, it makes sense to me now.

 

[TDurden1937]

Dearest batgirl :smile:- you are on my friend list for a reason. I took no offense, saw only misunderstanding. Happens every day.

I clarified to the extent I didn't just to make sure, or hopefully make sure that all know that I have the up most respect for women, even if I don't understand them.:occasion:

 

[sara soda]

You're definitely not crazy and not alone. I have been able to get intimate in the past, but it's been harder as time has gone on. I'm 43 and have not had an intimate relationship since my 20's. Back then I rationalized the rapes and sexual abuse. Many years afterward, the feelings came, and I went through years of panic attacks, which i have not had in a long time, probably in part due to generally avoiding people as much as I can.

My last boyfriend (in his 50's) had PTSD worse than I do, and he would totally freak out if we went past kissing. I think one of the reasons I was with him, besides truly loving him, was because I knew that we could not be intimate. I did pursue sex with him, but that was because I was safe to because I knew he would push me away. Had he pursued sex from me, I know I would have freaked.

 

[Cindy]

THIS IS HUGE!!! For years I totally avoided any type of relationships. Having a severe abuse background I could not trust anyone and survive. My walls were impermeable like a Sherman tank. Now that time has passed and I have worked through many of my issues I am atleast receptive to thinking of a relationship. I'm scared to death. But I also am very lonely, missing companionship to share fun activities with. But like many of us who have not experienced "normal" relationships I have no clue where to start. Assuming the opportunity will arise eventually and I keep breathing (not hold my breath). I don't know how much to share or what to share. I can't even think of a physical relationship until I totally trust the person or even if I ever will be able to trust a male person again.

It sucks being me sometimes. Won't it be great to suck out the memory cells of the bad past so we didn't have issues in the present. Maybe we should all try to create a "Super bad sucker brain tool". :)