Relentless Anger And Pretending I'm Beyond It

[WillyKat]

I have a confession to make. For weeks, maybe months now, I've been on this forum responding to posts but not making any of my own. I've been acting like I'm beyond this, or over that, giving advice, trying to be helpful where I can. But never seeking help for myself.

The fact is that my anger issues are getting worse, or to say it more optimistically, they have been worse of late, especially this week.

Last week, I really thought I reached a turning point. For the first time, I actually felt anger toward my mother and teachers for being generally clueless when I was little about what was going on. It was clear to anyone with an IQ above 20 that I was having serious issues, but back in a small town in the 1960s, I'm sure the thinking was: "well, he'll grow out of it; kids are resilient." I become hopeful that finally, I could put some of the anger behind me. But no, it's even worse this week.

I can barely contain it. When I'm alone in the house, I fly into rages, scream, and pound walls and doors. There's my spittle on the mirrors. I go on walks trying to chill out but I can barely contain it even then, and I'm afraid neighbors see me grumbling to myself, or clenching my fists, or even rage whispering when I'm on part of the walk path that's among the trees or fields.

I've been trying to fight it all week: longer walks, going to the gym, trying to be mindful. There have even been moments when I'm fine, but then before I know it I'm fuming again. I've been so frustrated that I have a rage fest then start crying. Two days ago at the gym I tried to shoot a few baskets. Well, when you're really angry your jump shot suffers, a lot. I would have earned a starting position with the Bricklayers or maybe the Airballers. So I went to the shower, got into a whisper rage in the shower, then cried in the shower. Hopefully, no one heard me.

The issue is my wife and her endless criticism, reprimands, scolding, snapping, complaining about ever more miniscule issues. If there's a drop of water on the floor...snap. (And we're talking clean water here.) If I grab one too many of her precious coffee cups (at $32 each) when I'm putting them away from the washer to the cupboard...reprimand. I could go on, but right now I'm so blinded with anger I can barely think. I'm sweating right now from my latest rage fest.

I made myself sit down and start writing in the hopes that this week's rage fest will come to an end. My therapist's suggestion. After my session yesterday, I felt calm and serene; depressed, but that was a welcome break from the anger. Then I woke up from a nightmare...one of those that just doesn't make any sense: two guys in suits twisting around each other like snakes with big eyes and me trying to fiddle with my weapon to fight them. And then so far this morning, more anger. There's no escape.

I'm always such a chicken shit about confronting my wife with how sick she's become. I realized a couple days ago that she will never change and maybe she doesn't even want to. I also realized something else, that she's repeating her traumatic experiences with her grandmother, who also was a freak about criticism of others.

I'm at the point with her where I want to send a crystal clear message to my wife that it has to stop. Maybe stay in a motel for a couple of days. But who am I kidding, she'll settle for a couple of days and get right back into it. I think my only option is to move out, get a divorce. But even then, I know what will happen, phone calls and emails and I'll be right back where I am now. I'm having SI, but I'm not serious about it.

There, I said it. Does anybody have a magic trick I could use?

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

(((((@WillyKat))))), I wish I had a magic trick for you, but I don't. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Your dream reminds me of an inner turmoil. It seems like a part of you has been repressed and needs acknowledging. Maybe that inner child. Also, I hope you will be able to find a way to set boundaries with your wife. You deserve to be treated with respect.

Anger is a valid emotion. It's the first step in healing, imo. Posting here and getting it off your chest is also. I understand the anger that you feel. I wish I had better advice.

What would it look like to you if you didn't fight or repress the anger? Does the feeling of anger scare you? If so, why?

 

[franciemarnie]

I so feel for you. I know the rage.

Your wife's behavior is relentlessly abusive. How could anyone not feel the anger you feel? Only if they numbed themselves with something like painkillers, which is what I did for years.

You do have options though. Once upon a time you may not have had any, but you do now.

If you chose divorce, no one on earth could make you return to her but you. I know that it must be supremely difficult and complex for you to make that decision and do this, from an inside perspective, or you would have done it.

She will not change unless she gets help. It is nice that you make the effort to understand her behavior, but if someone is - let's say - unpredictably, but daily, hitting you over the head for whatever reason, you will still feel the pain.

I hope you find a way out, but in the meantime - if you could find something to hit like a punching bag or speed bag, I would do it. It's a natural response to have that need - here unfulfilled of necessity - to respond in kind to beatings - whether emotional or other. That worked for me.

You sound like a wonderful person. I wish you could walk away today and be free. But I also know that the conflicts we carry inside sometimes make such decisions more complex and can generate a severe internal backlash unless we are ready.

I also would get out of that house as often as possible until such time as you can take further action.

There have to be consequences for bad behavior. But how well I know the immense difficulty of making there be with significant others!

 

[WillyKat]

@EvenStrongerNow, thank you!

Oh, it's definitely the inner child. I repressed all of it including the memory for 15 years, didn't get therapy for another five or so, didn't get any real helpful therapy for another 10 after that. There's several decades of pent up anger.

I've blown up at my wife too, but lately, I've been better at just walking away, leaving the house instead of screaming at her. Is that an improvement? No, because then I just go and rage privately. My therapist and I have been talking about it, and I have only the barest beginnings in skill at speaking my feelings instead of yelling. Once the feelings come, there's such tremendous power behind them that I skip the speaking part altogether.

Yes I'm scared. I've never hurt or hit anyone in my life, except once when I had my older brother's head in a scissor lock between my legs. That's the first rage I can remember and I think I was maybe 13 or so. I'm more scared about being seen in a rage and scaring everyone around me than I am of actually hurting someone.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

That's how my husband is. He is afraid to express his anger because it has scared people, it has scared him too. He says that the only way he has found to deal with it is to just shut down and go to sleep.

When I first told him that it is a valid emotion, that I wouldn't be scared if he needed to express it sometimes, that he could try and identify where it comes from by talking about it, and that it takes practice to bring the emotion back into balance (instead of being over the top), he thought I was completely insane lol

Anthony has a self help section here that is really awesome. The first one on the list is a couple articles for anger. Have you checked it out?
thematrix

There is a part in the first link about anger, specifically, he says: "Resolving Anger Now you can identify how the slightest daily stressor results in anger. Learning to identify the emotions that cause the emotional response (anger, rage, hatred, etc), will minimise the destruction and chaos caused. This in turn helps to lower your overall PTSD stressor level at the same time, thus creating more room in your cup."

It seems you are starting to be able to identify where it is stemming from and that you have been able to release some of it by crying. Imo, that's awesome!

By the way, I can relate too.

 

[WillyKat]

Thanks!

 

[macca]

((WillyKat)) I'm sorry to hear how hard it's been. Hope you find a way through soon.

 

[ill]

Your anger is perfectly natural and perfectly valid (even if it doesn't feel like it). It's telling you that your boundaries are being crossed and you're being disrespected and you need that to change. All you need to say (or write or email, whatever works for you) is some variation of "This is inappropriate and unacceptable. Do not speak to me like that. I deserve better. This is non-negotiable." If she tries to argue with you, tell her that your boundaries are not up for debate or discussion. They exist to keep you safe. If she objects to you feeling and being safe, then you need to leave.

I mean, I know it's scary as all get-out, but there's no way around it and what you're going through now is even worse. You deserve better than this. And, unfortunately, it's not going to get better unless you change something. I know that it's not easy and I know that it's scary and I also know what it's like to be frightened of one's own anger. But anger is just a feeling and feelings are barometers - they tell us when something is or isn't working for us and if/when we need change. And it's pretty obvious that this isn't working and that's not your fault.

I know that it's not easy. I've been scared of being angry and being seen as angry my whole life through and working to change that pattern is hard, but the best way that I've established to change that anger thus far is to allow myself to feel and listen to what it's telling me (usually/always that I'm being disrespected/hurt) and then to change what needs to be changed (which almost always means to erect firmer boundaries to better care for myself).

 

[WillyKat]

Thanks so much to everyone. The articles were great; it's not something I didn't know but was just so blinded by the anger itself that I couldn't see the lower 95% of the iceberg.

And thanks too for reminding me that the anger is normal and tells me something.

I'm doing better now, my mind is calmer, and I can think instead of just react.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

(((((@WillyKat))))), feel free to keep talking about it. I know it's not so cut and dry. We are here for you :)

 

[WillyKat]

And even better, an hour after last post. Thank you all so much. Why O why, didn't I do this three weeks ago, or sooner? Oh hell, I know why: I didn't want to admit even to myself that it was me that needed support.

We can't do this alone. The abusers and the evil want us to try to survive alone. Thank you all so much!