Darkness Reborn
Sponsor
Hi
. Howās the weather?
Starting 2 days ago Wednesday that is about the extent of my verbal conversational abilities.
First time ever going to a therapy session in almost 49 years. A little over half way through the initial intake she has me fill out some additional forms and add up results. I then ask her how broken I am and she says, āNot broken but definitely wounded. Just badly wounded. Just with an overview I am pretty sure you have Complex PTSD. Yes, about 99% positive.ā.
For years upon years I have just tried to fix me without anyone noticing that I have never felt right. Trying to live life on the āfake it till you make itā motto. I have tried self-help books, videos, classes, but nothing ever felt even 75% right. I always felt left with more confusion and hopelessness at not being able to find and fix me. Now within 1 hour I am diagnosed? No way. And with some form of PTSD? No way. I get informed it is Complex so therefore it is not just singular event but trauma over time. Silly me says I don't believe I have had severe enough trauma for PTSD anythingā¦. Well, letās look at a listā¦.
Alcoholic parentsā¦ Childhood trauma with many instances of abandonment, physical, mental, emotional, verbal and sexual abuse... Domestic violence and abuseā¦ raised by a cult and left and had more abandonment. Got sick 6 years ago, lost my independence and facing my illness without a support system. Husband is addicted to pornography and has emotionally been unfaithful with several women.
so even though it is not one massive trauma eventā¦ itās more than a 40 year laundry list of traumas. Ok, fair point.
Because I enjoy reading I have been tasked with reading, COMPLEX PTSD: FROM SURVIVING TO THRIVING A GUIDE AND MAP FOR RECOVERING FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA by Pete Walker. Yesterday I made it through 54 pages and today made it to page 89. my normal ability to read rather quickly seems to be blunted. I feel like someone has been spying on me in my own skinā¦ or opened my brain and heart and started reading them like a book and has gone on to read my deepest secrets outloud to the world. Like this passageā¦
In the book it recommends this site as suggested online support group. I figured if I canāt physically speak to anyone maybe typing it would help slow everything down a bit as I am feeling a bit frenzied and freaked out with āwhat-ifāsā ransacking my thoughts.
I am not sure how much overall sense I am making. Sorry for the insane introduction. I am not even sure if this would qualify as an introduction. In fact I probably shouldnāt even be posting this here is my guess. However, as a first step, before I second guess and delete everything i will post and try and hope for the best that some may understand and not judge me too harshlyā¦

Starting 2 days ago Wednesday that is about the extent of my verbal conversational abilities.
First time ever going to a therapy session in almost 49 years. A little over half way through the initial intake she has me fill out some additional forms and add up results. I then ask her how broken I am and she says, āNot broken but definitely wounded. Just badly wounded. Just with an overview I am pretty sure you have Complex PTSD. Yes, about 99% positive.ā.
For years upon years I have just tried to fix me without anyone noticing that I have never felt right. Trying to live life on the āfake it till you make itā motto. I have tried self-help books, videos, classes, but nothing ever felt even 75% right. I always felt left with more confusion and hopelessness at not being able to find and fix me. Now within 1 hour I am diagnosed? No way. And with some form of PTSD? No way. I get informed it is Complex so therefore it is not just singular event but trauma over time. Silly me says I don't believe I have had severe enough trauma for PTSD anythingā¦. Well, letās look at a listā¦.
Alcoholic parentsā¦ Childhood trauma with many instances of abandonment, physical, mental, emotional, verbal and sexual abuse... Domestic violence and abuseā¦ raised by a cult and left and had more abandonment. Got sick 6 years ago, lost my independence and facing my illness without a support system. Husband is addicted to pornography and has emotionally been unfaithful with several women.
so even though it is not one massive trauma eventā¦ itās more than a 40 year laundry list of traumas. Ok, fair point.
Because I enjoy reading I have been tasked with reading, COMPLEX PTSD: FROM SURVIVING TO THRIVING A GUIDE AND MAP FOR RECOVERING FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA by Pete Walker. Yesterday I made it through 54 pages and today made it to page 89. my normal ability to read rather quickly seems to be blunted. I feel like someone has been spying on me in my own skinā¦ or opened my brain and heart and started reading them like a book and has gone on to read my deepest secrets outloud to the world. Like this passageā¦
It is terrifying to see this in writing after all these years trying to hide how weak and worthless I am. And here it is in black and white, yes, it is not rational for me to think this is about me but at the moment I just canāt seem to care as I feel humiliated. I donāt know if I can ever recommend this book to anyone who knows me because then they may actually see me and that is just not something I feel I can allow in my life. I find I can only swallow mini bite sized pieces of this book at one time. My head is spinning with thinking, remembering, analyzing and feeling absolutely royally like an idiotic moron for not going to someone sooner. At the same time I am debating if I really should have opened this door. I thought I wanted to but what if things get worse!the child eventually embraces perfectionism as a strategy to make her parents less dangerous and more engaging. Her one hope is that if she becomes smart, helpful, pretty, and flawless enough, her parents will finally care for her. Sadly, continued failure at winning their regard forces her to conclude that she is fatally flawed. She is loveless not because of her mistakes, but because she is a mistake. She can only see what is wrong with or missing in her. Anything she does, says, thinks, imagines or feels has the potential to spiral her down into a depressed abyss of fear and toxic shame. Her superego fledges into a full-blown, trauma-inducing critic. Self-criticism, then, runs non-stop in a desperate attempt to avoid rejection-inducing mistakes. Drasticizing becomes obsessive to help the child foresee and avoid punishment and worsening abandonment. At the same time, it continuously fills her psyche with stories and images of catastrophe. The survivor becomes imprisoned by a jailer who will accept nothing but perfection. He is chauffeured by a hysterical driver who sees nothing but danger in every turn of the road.
In the book it recommends this site as suggested online support group. I figured if I canāt physically speak to anyone maybe typing it would help slow everything down a bit as I am feeling a bit frenzied and freaked out with āwhat-ifāsā ransacking my thoughts.
I am not sure how much overall sense I am making. Sorry for the insane introduction. I am not even sure if this would qualify as an introduction. In fact I probably shouldnāt even be posting this here is my guess. However, as a first step, before I second guess and delete everything i will post and try and hope for the best that some may understand and not judge me too harshlyā¦